To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

[Blythwind]

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

With DS, visitors came 15 hours after a VERY traumatic birth (induced labour, placenta abruption which went unnoticed for 5 hours, EMCS, loss of blood, resuscitation for DS). It was just DM, MIL and FIL but still, I was in the middle of being moved from HDU to the postnatal ward, I was STILL wearing clothing from the very fast EMCS, still hooked to a drain and catheter and looking worse for wear AND trying to get to grips with a VERY tired newborn who really struggled to latch (he later went to SCBU for low blood sugar and possible GBS infection - came back negative).

I WISH that they hadn't come TBH. Looking back I was NOT in any fit state but me being me, didn't want to upset the 'olds'. FIL was obviously uncomfortable with me BFing which I think made it harder for me (this uneasiness lasted well into a month, even for DH which resulted in me giving up). In fact I was NEVER on my own at all until DS was a month old! 1 week in hospital, 1 week with DH at home, 2 weeks of DM (which nearly resulted in DH and DM urdering each other!).

With DD, I had a slight emergency ELCS (brought forward a month due to restricted growth - DS had this hence why I was induced - and loss of fluid). BUT the ELC was so much more relaxed, trauma-free (in the sense I had no 10 hour labour that was hell - slight dramatic blood loss - 1 litre - in seconds - but fixed straight away). No MIL or DM this time (2nd child syndrome) but a close friend came with DH and DS about 8 hours later. Cramped room but I was much more amenable to visitors. I was out on day 4 (blood pressure issues kept me in longer) BUT I regret not allowing my mum friends to visit during that first week. One of them is pro-breastfeeding and my midwife and DH were actually ENCOURAGING me to 'go with what worked last time' on day 2 of being home. Had I allowed my friend in my home, I KNOW I probably would have stuck with it and did what another friend suggested in that I got nipple shields - something my health trust were dead against but actually helped my friend to continue breastfeeding til her DS was 9 months old.

TBH you really do not know how you are going to feel until the present. If it was me all over again, I wouldn't make ANY plans for visitors but simply state that if we are up for visitations, we'd let them know.

good for you, but it doesn't mean it will be the same for every woman.
no one knows how they feel, each birth is different -even if you compare your own babies. Wish people the best, but don't make them feel guilty or like a failure if they don't feel on top of the world.

Hence when I said, see how you feel, go with the flow, because you simply don't know.

Me feeling on top of the world and wanting visitors (even though I thought I wouldn't), doesn't make anyone else feel guilty if they feel different, it's just how I felt, and felt its important to say its a possibility, especially when people talk about the op not wanting visitors after surgery.

I'm not unusual, a few others have expressed similar, such as Icklepickle101, whose story was near identical to mine.

an elcs is a totally different way of giving birth, and whilst it has its downsides, the advantage is that you haven't had 30 hours of labour or whatever, so chances are you might not even be tired. You shouldn't be in pain because of painkillers (and some of my family visited whilst the epidural was still working).

Dc1 I had a long traumatic labour, she was premature and in special care for a few days. I didn't really want visitors as I was in pain, bleeding, crying all of the time and trying to breastfeed and trying to poo. Grandparents visited in hospital but no one else until she was a couple of weeks old and discharged from hospital.

Dc2 I had grandparents around to care for dc1 so they were met the baby when he was a couple of hours old. I had a nice birth and wanted to show off my baby so invited visitors from day one.

You don't know how you will feel until the baby is born so wait and see. The person who gives birth calls the shots here. With your first dc you have the luxury of not needing childcare, so you don't need to tell anyone you are in labour, so there is no risk of them showing up at the hospital either.

I've been informed that my PILs were waiting outside the hospital doors for my husband's sister and her husband for their first child.

For the second, the PILs were already there when the sister was arriving at the hospital. So they could be there as soon as the baby was out.

I am being induced on Friday and I really don't want them (or anyone apart from husband) present during my labour, or afterwards until i am truly ready. But I think they will just show up anyway.

Best friend visited about 3 hours after the birth whilst we were still in delivery room, which gave DH a chance to go out and walk our dog who had spent the night in the car.

MIL managed to phone for an update literally as I was pushing dd out, obviously it wasn't answered, but did annoy me after the event!!

We didn't invite anyone to our home for a bit, and I asked DH to make it clear to his parents that we would let them know when we were ready, my family live further away, so no chance of suprise visits. As it was I felt well enough to travel over to ILs ( an hour away) 2 days after giving birth, so we did a surprise visit, which was nice as it meant we could call the shots and leave when I wanted to.

When DD was a week old we we had organised to go for Sunday lunch with ILs, only to find mil had invited half the family who then preceded to play pass the baby. I wasn't impressed! and then mil wanted to take DD out for a walk in the pram on her own... That didn't happen!!!

I had them the say day in hospital. Loved seeing them and letting them meet the baby. Obv depends on labour, birth and how you all are. I think a week is way too long but that’s me!
Up to you though

chances are you might not even be tired. You shouldn't be in pain because of painkillers (and some of my family visited whilst the epidural was still working).

again, good for you
other women are exhausted
had to wait nil by mouth for hours and hours because of emergency taking their place
have a bad reaction to the anesthetic
can't stop throwing up
are in pain quickly

I hate the smug "I had the perfect pregnancy, perfect birth and perfect baby" which can make other mums feel like crap.

(That was after a horrific and dangerous labour and birth too.) just see how you feel

1st - emcs - my mum came that evening to see me to see if I was ok. Pil came the next afternoon.

2nd - elcs - ds1 came in the afternoon and went home with dp whilst my mum came and sat with me in the evening for company. Pil wanted to come in the afternoon too but I asked them to wait. I didn't want anyone else to see me with my catheter and immobile.

They came the next day when I was up and showered. Just to warn you even though I was more prepared this time I was still a bit emotional and sore and not in the mood for company. They were quite understanding and didn't stay long.

ikeepaforkinmypurse, I'd suggest you look the word 'may' up in the dictionary

All I will say is you're likely to be on a high for days 1-2 then sleep deprivation kicks in and day 3 can be an emotional upheaval! I had visitors days 1 and 2 but none on day 3 as I cancelled them all except my mum who was basically my home help!

I was glad to get visitors, hospital is as dull as shit, you can’t get any rest due to the heat and general racket, a newborn baby does fuck all except drink milk, sleep, shit and cry, and someone to talk to other than my husband was welcome!

I had visitors from the following afternoon onwards after giving birth both times. There were occasions a few days in it was too much, I either took myself off to bed or asked them to go home.

thank you for your anecdote about your wonderful experience Sleeplikeasloth you might research the words smug and unhelpful

Forevertired19 oh jeezo that sounds bloody awful!

Hopefully it’ll be better next time, I found a lot of people weren’t as interested in coming and seeing baby number 2 anyway :(

DD was born on the Saturday at 3pm. Managed to hide from people until Sunday afternoon when we couldn't hold them off any longer, my parents turned up about 4pm. I was a bit anxious but excited to show off my gorgeous baby. Everyone else waited about 3 days.

ikeepaforkinmypurse, I had an awful, painful pregnancy in which I could barely work, had to finish very early etc. Other people have easy pregnancies. Genuinely good for them.

I had a very pleasant elcs, on that basis the op MAY find it easier than expected to have visitors, because she didn't have to go through labour. She MAY not. Maybe she'll have a horrible time. I hope not. The wait and see how you feel advice is appropriate in any event.

As pp said as a new mum recovering from the birth it should be up to you. But, i had visitors within a couple of hours of giving birth and i was happy to see them. I was bored stiff in hospital and delighted to see some friendly faces. Also, aside from the fact that i didn't feel the baby was just mine, but was also their grandchild, niece, cousin etc, it is a completely alien concept to me to not have family and friends around at such an important time.

Also I think it can be different depending on the “category” of visitor. Close family members and friends are one thing but I doubt I’d have been impressed with OH’s drinking buddies and girlfriends (for example) seeing me in the vulnerable position you can be in after birth - leaky boobs etc.

With my csection I had people visit the next day in hospital but as little one was in care unit we had no other visitors till we went home 7 days later which I really respected them for doing that.

ikeepaforkinmypurse, I don't know what your problem is specifically with me when others that said they felt great, wanted visitors etc arent called names.

I'm guessing you had a very bad experience, which I'm very sorry for, but it's not my fault. It's not the fault of a woman with an easy pregnancy who talks about how you may be able to go for long walks etc in pregnancy, just because I had a difficult time. If you are struggling, I'd suggest you get help for that, if you feel so inclined to insult people just because they said that someone MAY find it easy enough to want visitors.

Op, you can keep visitors away as long as you want, it's your baby,your labour, and your emotions that are the most important thing here, not anyone else's.

When my DD was born I knew I would need some time to adjust and that I would only want dh, so we didn't see anyone for 10 days... and do you know what....I couldn't give a fig if it upset anyone. It was the best decision we made.

Ds is due any day and I plan to do exactly the same. My body,my baby,my decision.

As for those saying that if you see one family then you need to see the other I would also give that a big fat NOPE.

See who you feel is going to offer YOU the support YOU need. A baby being born isn't a circus for everyone to attend. If you have a great relationship with your in laws and think they will be there to genuinely care about YOU first in the hours/days that follow the birth then I'm sure you would be happy to have them. As is usually the case however is that it is only the mother's parents who are actually there to support the one that just delivered the baby, and everyone else can wait their turn.

The birth of a baby is not an event for all those that believe they hold a ticket because they have some kind of blood link to attend, it's a time to support a new family, and most important of all is the new mother.

I'm a bit like you but dh comes from a big, excitable family so I came home to a fan fair! I just went with it because it would have been more stress trying to fight it. Yes it was intrusive but I was very chuffed with my baby so it was also nice that people were making such a fuss. I didn't want the stress of fighting against it or the disappointment if people didn't respect my wishes so it was easier to just let people come round.

DS1 born at 4pm, friends arrived in a stream the next day bearing gifts and beer...
DS2 born at 6am, first visitor at 9am after I got to my room.

My parents (we live overseas) arrived when DS1 was 3 weeks and stayed for 2 weeks, then MIL and friend for 2 weeks, the FIL for 2 weeks after that. So 6 weeks back to back of visitors.

DS2, just my mum came when he was 3 weeks.

I was fine after both my deliveries though, babies slept and fed well and I'm pretty sociable so was happy to show off my newborns and pass them around.

Totally depends on your labor and delivery...

As lots of people have said it is very individual. You have some like me that found visitors unexpectedly hard, others that wanted to show off the baby despite thinking they wouldn’t. Ultimately though it’s easy to ask for a few days of grace before visitors and then change your mind and have them earlier. If you have any inkling you might be uncomfortable now, why not prepare for that and manage expectations. You are not being cruel to want a bit of time. Your family has years to develop a relationship with your child as an individual. Yes they will be cute as a newborn but you matter too as you will be in recovery.

My parents were wonderful and said that while they were excited to meet the new baby they would come when I was ready whether that meant on the day or a month later. I really appreciated the lack of pressure. If my children have children I will do the same and will remember that the mother is not just a vessel for producing a cute newborn and will need support in her own right. I think that is why people are often more comfortable with their own parents rather than in laws.

Within 30 minute, I was unconscious didn't bother me and threads like this boil my piss. I am not close to my in laws and am currently in a huge funk due to what I perceive as their unreasonableness, but a new baby unless there is a health issue or safety issue then ASAP you children are part of a wider world. My mum the worlds most amazing Mum to me was so bloody determined to keep family at arms length, that 20 years after she died that none of her family have anything to do with me, I am so isolated, it is me and 2 autistic children and a husband that is my world.