To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

[Blythwind]

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

my first baby I had via c section and I had visitors as soon as they were allowed in. I felt rather unattached to my baby and i enjoyed people fussing over her and I think it helped us bond. my second baby arrived not long after my first, no one fussed or treated her as special and I struggled to bond.

I must say I would be crushed in the future if my girls had children and they didn't want me to be a part of it. It would kill me to be kept apart from my grandchildren.

First baby I had a traumatic emergency c section and was still high on drugs. I only wanted my mum and my sister to visit me in hospital. My dh never left my side. Obviously his mum come to visit too. I went to stay with my mum at her house with dh for the first week after having my dd just for an extra pair of hands and emotional support. We both have v large families and I told everyone I don't want ANY visitors until I feel ready which wasn't until a week later. I still don't really think I was ready then I was just pestered so much I caved in. Next time round I will stick to my guns and say no until I feel ready. DH is self employed so we couldn't afford for him to have more than 1 week off. I needed that 1 week to bond with our new family

Emergency c-section first time round. I know I had visitors (close family) between the birth and my extremely serious PPH but am fuzzy on the details. I was out of it until the next day but did have visitors from the next day onwards.
Other babes, same. Visitors from a few hours afterwards. Never considered telling people not to come, I enjoyed the visits and showing off my super beautiful babes

My best friend was the first person to meet both our dc and that was both within the first few hours. My parents were the next day with dd1 and a couple of days later at the weekend with dd2 because they had to travel.

Ils were were 10 weeks later with dd1 and I can't even remember with dd2, maybe 6 months. Totally their choice.

I couldn't imagine keeping close friends and family away for a week, but then I didn't have a C-section. Actually the mum's in the playground met dd2 on day 2 because she came on the school run with me.

Parents same day in hospital, my aunt go I'm very close to the day after.
I was in 5 days so people mostly left us alone and we had visitors a few days after we got home, but we controlled who and when.
Everyone is different but your husband should respect your feelings as he's not birthing a baby! Maybe he'd like a melon shoved up his ass to simulate (not go as far as cut him up, next best!) and see when he'd like visitors after that?

I don't think your being unreasonable at all with my 1st I had my son at 9.42pm and had a full cubicle at visiting hours approx 1.00pm next day and when I went home there where people over at every waking moment! and it drove me fucking insane! It wasn't the best birth experience and needed to have surgery after birth so I was in pain and tired very much needed my rest which I was denied . With my 2nd apart from my mother which was looking after 1st child we told no one we where going in, we had made it very clear that we needed our space and wanted our time as a family unit to bond before we where bombarded with visits, I think a weeks peace is a reasonable request, of course a lot didn't agree with our request but it was our wish. We told people the day after we had our son so we had our little time we had no visits at the hospital, and only 4 people that visited in the 1st week (which didn't thrill me), I feel peoples common sense goes out the window when you have a baby and they don't stop to think you need rest and a house full is the last thing you need the moment you get home! If your husband Dosent get it continuously kick him in the balls throughout the day and invite the family round and then ask how he feels about visits he may see it from your end eventually 😉.......obvs I'm kidding about that bit! 😂

The morning after giving birth at around 3pm for DC1 and the evening after an early morning birth (2am-ish) for DC2.

I'm not sure I'd / we'd have been so accommodating if we hadn't been lucky enough to have a suite with a visitors area.

DC1 - had him at 1am, MIL came in at 7am as she worked at the hospital so she came before she went on shift. She also popped in when I was in labour. Luckily she is ace.
We were in for 36h and I had a few visitors (mum and dad and sister and brother, FIL and 2 BIL. None of whom came together ) but it was out first baby and nobody stayed for longer than a cuddle. Rest of immediate family within the week. We have a massive immediate family.
DC2 was born at 6:45am and MIL came at 10am, her first break. She still worked at the hospital then. We were home by 4pm and my folks met baby as they'd had DC1 for us. Rest of immediate family were round within a few days.

No-one overstayed their welcome or expected to be waited on etc.... no-one stayed or expected to stay.

DC3 was in neonatal for 3 weeks so only MIL and my dad met her. Both my mum and FIL were ill, so banned. But it was only grandparents allowed to visit. Immediate family are still meeting her now (10 weeks old) as they are very aware I have a massively busy schedule what with a 5yp and 3yo.

Sorry DC3 was in neonatal for 2 weeks and MIL met her aged 36h and dad about 72h old.

I had people the same day for babies 1 & 3 (they were born in the morning). Baby 2 was born at 7.40pm so too late for anyone to come. I had visitors from my first afternoon back at home. I was very happy to have visitors.

Couple of hours after birth. I was happy as not carrying a big bump anymore, labour over, gorgeous DC, and friends and family were so lovely. For the first 2 weeks after coming home I didn't have a thing to do outside of caring for baby as they took it in turns to come round do housework cook etc and just be a boost really, as I was a new mum. I hadn't expected all that really and I was grateful since I could've slept through an earthquake after having a baby (shattered)

I was home after 4 hours with four of them. I had visitors the same day.

with my first I stayed overnight. My mum was at the birth, my sister came later that day and the rest of my family and best friend came when I got home.

I loved having visitors. I couldn't wait for people to meet them.

First baby, as soon as visitors were allowed on the ward. I think about 8hrs but it was my mum and sister then later it was PIL. I got discharged the next day and there was a house full of people to greet us at MILs

Second baby, fil collected us at hospital at lunchtime, brief visit to MIL to get dd1. The my mum, sister and bil came that evening. And I've dictated who we see and when since.

He's being unreasonable. I had visitors in hospital and in my house every day since I got out but I hated it, I'm telling people not to visit me this time around for at least a few days!! I was really traumatised after my birth and all those visitors didn't help at all!

Also I had a section and my hubbys Daddy and brother came up to visit just as the nurse got me out of bed for the first time, cue a mountain of blood leaking all over the floor in front of them 😐

Depends who it is to be honest, my sister was so excited she literally turned up within half an hour of us arriving home with new DD. But she was great and made me drinks and helped out etc, not a burden at all. SIL and her dh and 5 DC turned up two days later and wanted waiting on hand and foot!

I was in hosptial for 4 days and had them visit during hours from 6-9 which wasn't bad as I knew when they'd leave! Then had a wedding on day 5 so everyone saw him! I was a lot better at going to see peiple or go coffee as I could leave! If people come yours you might never get rid! Obviously each birth is different thoguh so I wouldn't plan to be out and about but fingers crossed all goes smoothly and you are able to :)

I wanted to wait two weeks. In laws visited at home at 6 days. DH said in the hospital was fine for him. I put my foot down and didn't even come downstairs to say hello, babe went for a cuddle then back for a feed over a period of a few hours and they brought us a roast dinner and went home. My parents came to stay as DH was traveling at two weeks old and they stayed for the duration of his work trip.

We were in hospital for a few days. DM and MIL came on day 2. SIL on day 3. When we got home, we were home for 2 hours before my grandparents came to visit with DM and her partner. We had a steady trickle of guests for days. However they were all very good and no one expected anything of me or stayed longer than an hour unless I asked them to and all were willing to help out, stick a wash on, put the kettle on, grab stuff from the shop etc.

I'm expecting similar in October when dc2 arrives.

I had DS at 3 am. MIL came that afternoon. We asked everyone else to wait until the next day (people called DH and asked when would be convenient to visit) as we knew that we would be in for a couple of nights.We probably had about 10 visitors on the 2nd day. It was actually great as everyone happened to come within a two hour period so no-one stayed longer than 20 mins as they could see others were there. SIL also came with extra supplies - cotton wool, biscuits, etc!

You’re having a baby and an operation. Be as unreasonable as you want!!

We didn’t have visitors beyond immediate family for 3 weeks. Our baby had some health issues and we didn’t feel like spending time and energy on anything or anyone except him until he was well.

Also factor in whether DH’s family are generally helpful and respectful.

I had MIL flipping through my medical notes, staring intently at my nipples as I failed to get the baby to breastfeed (while telling me how easy breastfeeding was for her) and then refusing to leave the room when the midwife came to speak to me about my severe constipation.

Our relationship went south from that point on.

My mil showed up while I was still feeling very sick and covered in blood it was awful and I can't forgive her for being such an insensitive cow

Some people on this thread Are shaping up to be the mother or MIL from hell.

You seem totally lacking in understanding let alone empathy for anyone who had a birth experience different from you own.

You think that any decisions that your child or their partner make about mum and baby’s welfare are specially aimed at attacking and excluding YOU and that you will literally die if you don’t get your own way all the time. Your sense of entitlement to your daughter or DILs body is enormous.

Let me spell it out to you - having a baby is about the mum, the baby and the dad, in that order. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.

You might think you are direct and robust in your attitude and comments . But I can assure you that some other women on this thread feel sick and anxious just reading your comments because they know JUST what it’s like having a family member like you. The one that everyone rolls their eyes about behind their back. The knowing looks and comments.

I suggest that you take an evening to read the many many threads on MN about mother’s / MIL like you. That is how your family will end up - broken and unhappy - if you don’t sort out your attitude.