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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 12 year old dd and her friend to go out for lunch by themselves?

162 replies

listsandbudgets · 28/03/2018 14:21

School finishes at noon tomorrow (DD's school always does on last day of term confused ) and dd is bringing her friend home with her on the bus. Both of them are sensible girls.

I thought as a treat, I'd give them some cash to go out and buy lunch together. I've said that they have to do it local to home after they've go off bus - there are loads of cafes around here to easy to find somewhere. However, I've just talked to her friends mum and she's put her foot down with a firm no.

Apparently they are fine to get the bus and walk to and from bus stop but not eat in a cafe.

Obviously I will abide by her wishes and go out with them myself but now I'm beginning to wonder if IABU to think it might have been a good idea. I just thought it would be a nice bit of independence for them.

OP posts:
chocolatesun · 28/03/2018 18:41

What a great idea. YANBU

Willow2017 · 28/03/2018 18:45

Totally ott reaction.
At 12 my friends and i got the bus to town every Saturday and spent our pocket money on records or clothes and a visit to a cafe. We felt very grown up😀

If they can walk home alone what on earth does she think will happen in a cafe full of people?

Graphista · 28/03/2018 19:09

Lakeg I'm also a survivor - no excuse for racism

SnowJokeAnymore · 28/03/2018 19:16

I have read accounts and many girls sound quite "normal" to me, I am from a working class council estate background. I had friends who met boyfriends their own age in chip shops, shopping centres and libraries. ( Actually not libraries come to think of it.)

But the lads were not rape gang members! Parents who had my upbringing are I hope waking up to what has been going on.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/03/2018 19:23

If you look into cases it is NOT just vulnerable kids with zero parenting. It's any teenager given what I was brought up with as normal freedoms

That's simply not true, and what you're doing is writing a charter for paranoid helicopter parents.

SnowJokeAnymore · 28/03/2018 19:37

Ok my normal is not normal for MN.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 28/03/2018 19:51

Dd went to stsrbucks with her friends from about 11.

At 12 she was getting the tube into central London and meeting a friend for a mooch along Piccadilly, to go to a museum, the Japanese Centre. At 14 ds went from Clapham junction to Southampton, got the Isle of Wight Ferry and was met at Ryde by his friends' mum.

Dd had some mh problems at 16/17. CAMHS reported me to SS for being overprotective. for kicking up a fuss when they refused to provide support The world has truly gone mad.

Turquoise123 · 29/03/2018 17:46

It would not have crossed my mind that here could be a problem with this.

Mydoghatesthebath · 29/03/2018 17:50

Honestly isn’t this what normal 12 year olds do?? Mine did and my youngest is 18! Also ice skating, bowling, cinema. Shopping.

The other mum sounds a nightmare

dwab45 · 29/03/2018 18:15

What a brilliant idea. Bet they will feel super independent. The fact you encourage this will make them feel trusted and independent. Letting go can be hard but the rewards of trust between parents and children is the reward.

MumofBoysx2 · 29/03/2018 18:17

You could suggest this mum and you go for coffee at another nearby cafe while they are having lunch?

Bouledeneige · 29/03/2018 18:20

Of course its fine for them to go. My kids would've done and yes we live in London. No cafe of any persuasion is going to serve a 12 year old alcohol either.

Bonkers Mum. I cant understand such nonsense.

supersop60 · 29/03/2018 18:24

So what did they do in the end?

nursy1 · 29/03/2018 18:30

Blimey. When I was 14 my friend and I went by train to Germany! To be fair it was the first time I ever smoked - offered a No 6 by a bunch of older teenagers. However, we had a fantastic time

BackBoiler · 29/03/2018 18:38

I had this mum. I wasn't allowed out of our cul de sac until I was 13 and that was only to a friend's house! I was rolling round parks pissed at 14!

Serialweightwatcher · 29/03/2018 18:56

I think she's being a bit ridiculous when they're travelling by bus and walking from the bus stop - surely they're safer in a cafe than walking anyway Confused ... I used to go into Town with my friends on a bus when I was 12, faff about in shops and have lunch etc

LaurieF · 29/03/2018 19:00

YADNBU DS is now yr 8 but on last day of yr 7 age 12 he and a few friends went to the local milkshake place when they fin8shed at noon before getting the bus home. He regularly nips into Morrison's cafe alone for a cup of tea or hot chocolate if I'm picking him up and running late. Today after school he has been to the barber's alone before the bus home. I'll admit that was a hairy moment (bahaha) as he could have asked for anything but thankfully he accepted the responsibility and got a sensible cut. If they are old and responsible enough to get public transport then they should be able to order a hot chocolate and a bun without the earth exploding...

TwitterThread3 · 29/03/2018 19:06

Agree that when I was her age I was meeting my friends independently for cinema/shopping/lunch outings etc. Including getting ready at each other’s houses and making our own travel plans. I preferred going to hair/beauty salons with my friends rather than mum too. I would get lifts when needed but definitely spent a lot time with my friends by myself at that age.

Especially on half days, like half of my year went out and spent the afternoon together hanging in the park, water fights, getting food, going to town etc.

I do think she’s being a tad overprotective, as you say they are getting the bus and walking home. Hopefully her family will let her be more independent in her upcoming teen years.

greenlanes · 29/03/2018 19:10

My 12 year old couldnt do this. They have SEN. But I try to give them independence where I can. So perhaps in this case you could be there in the cafe, but let them order, pay (even if you have given them the cash), and get a separate table.

user1470055656 · 29/03/2018 19:53

The other mum is nuts. I’m in central London and the girls from our local private secondary school all get lunch in cafes from year 7 ie age 11. Totally normal and good for their independence and life experience.

Morgan14 · 29/03/2018 20:25

I've got a DD15 and some of her friends aren't even allowed to use public transport. Which I find a bit ridiculous. They're all extremely sensible girls.

RubaDubMum89 · 29/03/2018 20:30

That's weird, unless the cafe is actually a crack den

^^this, with bells on.

At that age I was all over the place on my own, no mobile phone or anything, just a vague explanation of where I would be and, if I was allowed to stay out past tea time, then a firm promise of being home by curfew.

SnookieSnooks · 29/03/2018 20:41

I see no reason not to allow a pair of 12yo to a cafe. In fact, it is a great idea - anything that allows children to have independence and responsibility in amounts they can handle is actually good for them.

Peachyking000 · 29/03/2018 22:18

YANBU, I often went into town with friends from age 11 onwards, after school or Saturday mornings. Town happened to be Belfast and this was during the troubles too! We were sensible, I think, and knew what to do in an emergency

masterchef98 · 29/03/2018 22:38

I have a 9 year old and am very overprotective.i also have a 4 year old which very often gives me the excuse to be overprotective. I think your suggestion seems perfectly reasonable but I think you have to respect the other mums opinion, you don't know the reason behind it.