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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 12 year old dd and her friend to go out for lunch by themselves?

162 replies

listsandbudgets · 28/03/2018 14:21

School finishes at noon tomorrow (DD's school always does on last day of term confused ) and dd is bringing her friend home with her on the bus. Both of them are sensible girls.

I thought as a treat, I'd give them some cash to go out and buy lunch together. I've said that they have to do it local to home after they've go off bus - there are loads of cafes around here to easy to find somewhere. However, I've just talked to her friends mum and she's put her foot down with a firm no.

Apparently they are fine to get the bus and walk to and from bus stop but not eat in a cafe.

Obviously I will abide by her wishes and go out with them myself but now I'm beginning to wonder if IABU to think it might have been a good idea. I just thought it would be a nice bit of independence for them.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 28/03/2018 15:34

By the time they were 11, DT’s were getting the tube to and from school. At weekends and after school they would often meet their friends for a drink or snack. They knew the parameters of what they were allowed to do and understood that breaching that would mean they had to come straight home rather than go out with their friends.

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 28/03/2018 15:35

Thank you all for those various points of views. I can see now why I might be considered a bit unreasonable in some circumstances but also that the overwhelming view is that I'm NBU.

I don't mean it to sound as if I'm criticizing other mum. She just made me question my own parenting. I'm actually very protective of DD and its only recently I've gradually started letting her do things by herself. I was brought up in a very rural environment where going to a cafe on the way home from school was definitely NOT an option so this is not the norm for me and I've probably kept her on a tighter rein than many mums.

As for your comment Lakeg you sicken me. I'm fortunate enough to have Muslims (and those of other faiths) as friends and neighbours and have never found them to be anything but community orientated, friendly and thoughtful. There are always a few bad eggs in any community but that does not make them all rapists and groomers FFS... actually I'm quite upset by your comment..... and by the way for YOUR information DD's friend IS Muslim!!

OP posts:
SnowJokeAnymore · 28/03/2018 15:37

I am at our library more than the kids. I am happy enough with where I live to let my kids go about tbh.

If you look into cases it is NOT just vulnerable kids with zero parenting. It's any teenager given what I was brought up with as normal freedoms. To go the chip shop on my own or hang about the shops with mates.

My 12 year olds and teens have been as daft as anyone elses, they've got no magic talisman for protection.

Ebeneser · 28/03/2018 15:52

My parents, and those of my cousins and friends, must have been terribly irresponsible then. From when I was around 9 or 10 I was allowed to get a bus on my own to the swimming pool with friends. No mobile phones invented back then either.

CowesTwo · 28/03/2018 15:53

At 12 my best friend and I would meet up in the town centre to go to the cinema on a Saturday afternoon and then to a cafe for a Coke and a sandwich. Then we'd get on our separate buses and go our separate ways home. Never crossed our minds that it was anything out of the ordinary.

FleurDelacoeur · 28/03/2018 16:08

I have a 12 year old daughter. She is forever meeting friends in McDonalds, Costa, local cafes. None of the other parents seem to have an issue with it.

Teafourtwo · 28/03/2018 16:12

I would have no problem with this at all. Surely once kids are at high school they are spreading their wings all the time?

Anyway I would either go and sit at a separate table as pp have suggested, or order a Dominoes delivery to arrive once they're home from school. My teens do this sometimes as end of term treat with their friends.

Graphista · 28/03/2018 16:30

How do you teach them to stay safe?

Talk to them about sex, personal safety, grooming, risk assessment, how to get help if needed...

The children MOST vulnerable to grooming in my experience are those parented to either extreme - neglect or overprotected.

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/03/2018 17:09

Exactly fleur, the only thing that bothers me about it is the hit to my bank balance!

lakeg · 28/03/2018 17:12

Being aware does not make you racist. In fact, you have no idea what my reigion or race is.

5plusMeAndHim · 28/03/2018 17:30

You don't know the reason she said no.It could be that she doesn't want the expenses of reciprocating.But i suspect it is more to do with her culture/religion.

EastMidsMummy · 28/03/2018 17:40

12 years old?! Eating lunch?! In a cafe?! What's the world coming to??

This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in weeks.

PorkFlute · 28/03/2018 17:53

That does seem strange if she’s allowed to get the bus etc.
Could it be that they don’t have a lot of spare cash and the mum didn’t want to assume you’d be picking up the tab or have you pay for a treat when she might not be able to do the same for your dd?

Fieau · 28/03/2018 18:00

@lakeg doesn't matter what your region or race is, prejudice towards people based on their race or ethnicity is the definition of racism and is exactly what you showed in your post. Hmm

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/03/2018 18:02

DD was getting the tube to school from the age of 10.
Given some comments from people I apparently didn't care for my child.

At 11 I let her go in a big groups from school to cafes and restaurants as long as after she went with a few people to the tube station afterwards.

I am wondering what the mother thinks is going to happen to her dd if she visits a cafe.

Graphista · 28/03/2018 18:03

What Fieau said.

Deshasafraisy · 28/03/2018 18:05

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and it’s great that you are happy to give your daughter these opportunities to be independent. However, the other mother is also being reasonable, it’s her daughter and she gets to decide on the level of independence she is willing to give her daughter and if she feels she isn’t ready then that is fair enough.

youarenotkiddingme · 28/03/2018 18:06

If they are sensible enough and able enough to get the bus - then surely they can walk to a cafe?

My 13yo has asd and will not get on a bus. But he's walked to local pizza place from school with year 11 friends from club. (Because he's anxious but feels safe with them).

lakeg · 28/03/2018 18:10

If my being called racist saves even one girl from being molested
Its totally worth.
I will repeat though
Being aware is not being racist.
With awarness we can save kids from predators everywhere.

Rebecca36 · 28/03/2018 18:14

There's not much you can do about it, Rebecca, if your daughter's friend's mother doesn't want her to eat out without an adult. I do, however, think she is wrong. Twelve is fine for going to a cafe.

I wonder if she has had a scary experience that is influencing her decision on this.

Graphista · 28/03/2018 18:17

Your being racist lakeg does nothing of the kind don't be so ridiculous!

Follyfoot · 28/03/2018 18:30

We need to give girls the tools to enjoy the world whilst sadly having to keep safe, and part of that process is allowing them elements of freedom as they get older. I really hope we arent rearing a fearful generation.

Two girls from stable family backgrounds going to a cafe are hardly going to be groomed. Gangs would be far more likely to target girls whose family lives are chaotic or abusive. Tragic as that is, it is the reality.

As for the 'certain community' comment, maybe lakeg is referring to teachers, social workers and plumbers?

After all, I met a man in a work situation who was probably the the most prolific abuser of his generation. He was a teacher who became a social worker.

Oh and a plumber who abused girls for more than 20 years....

I doubt it though.

lakeg · 28/03/2018 18:35

I was abused by somebody as a baby. No idea who just get flash backs from time to time.
The only thing I have been able to confirm with the help of medical practioners is that the memories are true.
Sorry for being sensitive about the safety of children.

KERALA1 · 28/03/2018 18:38

How odd. Wouldn't give that a second thought. DD and her pals often go to cafes etc. They are 11/12. Struggling to see the risk - they go to and from school under their own steam what would happen to them in Starbucks?

Passportto · 28/03/2018 18:40

That's simply not true SnowJoke. A "normal" teenager going to the chip shop with friends, then home to a family where he has good safe relationships is really not a high risk for being targeted by gangs.

It's not really about whether the teens are sensible it's about whether the gangs are offering something that meets a need - see the Rotherham cases.

It's why libraries are targeted, they're used as "safe" places by children who'd rather not go home Sad There's no way you'd know if it was going on under your nose. The gangs use the vulnerable children they've already recruited to recruit children like them.

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