To let my 12 year old dd and her friend to go out for lunch by themselves?

[listsandbudgets]

School finishes at noon tomorrow (DD's school always does on last day of term confused ) and dd is bringing her friend home with her on the bus. Both of them are sensible girls.

I thought as a treat, I'd give them some cash to go out and buy lunch together. I've said that they have to do it local to home after they've go off bus - there are loads of cafes around here to easy to find somewhere. However, I've just talked to her friends mum and she's put her foot down with a firm no.

Apparently they are fine to get the bus and walk to and from bus stop but not eat in a cafe.

Obviously I will abide by her wishes and go out with them myself but now I'm beginning to wonder if IABU to think it might have been a good idea. I just thought it would be a nice bit of independence for them.

I'm guessing the other Mum is a bit of a control freak. We know how well that works out as a parenting style long term

I would let my DS10 do this, although he might not feel confident enough yet. But then we live in a small, very safe town. And I am a bit lax

YANBU. I would hesitate to let a twelve year old on the bus but if they can get trusted communities g then they can definitely be trusted to get lunch from around D the corner. Why don't you leave the cash and tell them to get food delivered?

My 12 y.o. dd and her 12 y.o. friends get the train to a neighbouring town AND get lunch/ice-cream/milkshakes etc. AND go to the cinema/browse the shops together AND get the train back. No harm has ever come to them. The other mum is OTT - unless her child has a history of daft behaviour, in which case she is possibly not BU.

That sounds lovely and mature of them . When I was 12 our village only had a chip shop but there was a wall outside we could sit on.

Dd was in Glasgow with her mates at that age, and I was in Newcastle and for me there were no mobile phones.

@listsandbudgets sounds odd, but it is what it is. So how about you go, but then sit on another table with "paperwork" to do and leave them to it?

I’ve let my daughter do this, she is now 13, at 12 as have her friends parents. One of us usually hangs around in case we are needed. Live rurally. But her best friend parents don’t allow it. Not even in an enclosed shopping centre, or School trips etc. Seems a shame as she is missing out.

What a shame. The girls would have loved that. When my dd finished primary school, on their last day, her and 3 friends did this in a local cafe just down the road from us. They loved it and had a brilliant lunch! They were all 11 and sensible girls.

I think I'm overprotective sometimes and them I come across someone who makes me feel negligent.

Last summer DS2 was excited to tell me he was going to a local theme park with a friend, it's a small park and an easy train ride from home. They were 14yo. Their PTA offers reduced tickets, so I just checked with mum they'd got a mutually suitable date before buying the tickets only to be told her whole family were going and "I hope they didn't think they were going alone LOL" as if that was the most preposterous idea.

I'd be encouraging the cafe visit too, if only to make it a bit longer before they were home and glued to screens (I have boys, does that also happen with girls?)

Dairyis Surely lots of secondary school kids will have to take a bus to get to school all over the country from 11? My 11yo will after the summer break

As an overprotective mum of a 12 year old, even I would let her do this!

That's a shame, but up to her I suppose.

IMO when you consider your DC old enough to go out on their own, they are safe in a cafe or shop or whatever. Having said that I have a friend who is happy for her DD to walk to and from school alone, but won't allow her to be at home alone

Tell the other Mum that you are going too then sit at a different table or at a cafe across the road or close by

Yes, if they're sensible enough to catch a bus on their own then definitely. My DS cycles into the village (we're rural!) to meet friends at the coffee shop regularly. He has a mobile and we have agreements that he texts me when he gets there and when he's about to leave etc.

My 10 (nearly 11 year old dd has gone out for lunch with her friends before, YANBU.
The mother is being overprotective and it will backfire on her one day.

Shotfired, that sounds like a good compromise.

Thankfully I'd not mentioned it to DD yet so can present it as an end of term treat with their own table and my own table so I dont have to listen to an hour of inane school gossip!!!!

I started letting DD have some more independence when she started secondary school. As long as she told me where she was going and with whom and she stayed local then I didn't have a problem with her meeting friends in town and going for a burger/got chocolate/mooch around. It's a good first step to them being independent IMHO

hot chocolate!

I have boy/girl twins almost 12. My daughter would be capable of this - my son no way. Parents know their own children best - being critical of them is not helpful.

I can see how 12 is a bit of a boundary age in terms of what parents will allow. Mine are allowed (aged 11/12, first year secondary) to go into town with a friend, for about two hours, but I often do pick up/drop off. They do go into cafes/get lunch themselves. One of mine was confident to get the bus at that age, the other a bit more reluctant.

I have also come across more protective parents who shadow them around town. Lots of parents are very protective til end of primary though which is why the jump up to full independence is difficult. We did it more in stages, and the children have been 'playing out' with a mobile on them for several years.

To be fair to the other mum she knows her daughter better than we do. It sounds overprotective to me but perhaps the daughter is painfully shy or very irresponsible. I wouldn't have a problem with this with my DC at all but perhaps the mum has good reason to be cautious.

Utterly ridiculous on the part of the other mother!

I was heading into my nearest city for wimpy (showing my age ), cinema or shopping at that age and that was over 30 years ago!

Dd also did the same as did most of her friends.

Have to agree the ones that aren't allowed to do this kinda thing are more likely to rebel and do something daft even potentially dangerous.

They don't instantly become responsible, confident practical adults at the stroke of midnight on the date they turn 18, our job as parents is to teach them to become adults that can cope out in the world.

What you suggested sounds a lovely idea and completely reasonable if the girls are sensible. I can't understand why the other Mum would object.

Some PP said that the other mother is entitled to make this choice for her DD, which is true, but it is unfortunate that this also impacts your DD since it effectively imposes limitations on her that you would not have done.

We used to have a similar situation when our DD was that age. Her best friend's Mum was very protective and didn't allow her DD much independence. I remember one occasion when DD was about 11 or 12 and asked me if she and her friend could go in to town. We live in quite a small town and the town centre is walking distance away and both girls were very sensible. I was happy with that but friend's Mum decided that she would take them in to town herself and supervise - which I don't think was really what the girls had had in mind!

I have flipped my thinking on this one.

It depends where you are in the UK.
There are places where girls of this young age out without adults have been targeted.

An example I would have thought of as safe previously is Meadowhall shopping centre where grooming gangs used young lads to chat up girls.

It's not entirely mad for parents to be concerned with what's gone on.

It sounds OTT to me - at that age our last day of term tradition was a pizza hut buffet - great fun.