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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
Foureyedfox · 28/03/2018 11:54

Hi and sorry this is happening. It is shit.
I had anonymous text messages about my husband, turned out to be true.

My messages were from the other woman. Even though DH was adamant it wasn’t her style, she gave him the “why would I do that?! I’m happy to carry on as we are” etc etc.

Turns out she wasn’t as sweet, patient and understanding as she’d made out.

We’re trying to move forward. She’s pissed off her plan backfired. Worst time ever.

Be kind to yourself x

C0untDucku1a · 28/03/2018 11:57

she’s pissed off her plan backfired

That sounds like you think you've won some competition because you lying, cheating husband didnt have the guts in the end to leave you?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/03/2018 11:57

Biding your time is good OP.
See what info you can gather.
If nothing then email back the person and ask them to send you proof.
It is certainly very odd that he's back sick now when all this is going on with you.
I'd be amazed if he didn't know you'd been given the heads up.
I hope you get tot he bottom of it all.

Roussette · 28/03/2018 12:02

Bluntness moral duty my arse! I don't think so. Be brave enough to tell the person to their face as opposed to an anonymous communication if your moral duty is so pressing
Talking of 'moral duty' makes me think of tittle tattle, poison pen letters, talking behind someone's back... don't like it.

FWIW I would ignore the email and look for the truth.

Anonymous emails are not sent for the right reasons - they are sent to hurt, destroy, annoy, worry.

Dulra · 28/03/2018 12:15

I am not an expert with this sort of thing at all but if it was me I would ask him out. I really don't think there is a need for all the digging you are just torturing yourself? I would tell him I had a received an email from someone he works with letting me know he has had a fling with X and could he please explain what it is all about before I go back to this person for the details. I would think his reaction to that statement alone will tell you whether it is true or not.

Andrewofgg · 28/03/2018 12:18

Oh Rousette how right you are.

A few years ago I took DW’s niece, then single, out to dinner - she and I both like curry and DW doesn’t. Then I walked her home and then walked home myself; all very local.

And a day or two later DW got an anonymous letter about her husband having dinner in that restaurant with a young woman and the writer “thought she would want to know.”

Which left her wondering which “friend” was responsible for this malicious and spiteful act.

Roussette · 28/03/2018 12:22

Andrew I rest my case! And there's your DW wondering which of her friends would stoop so low

Who can honestly defend anonymous letters/txts/emails? Man up and tell a person to their face if you feel you are honestly doing the right thing by telling them something.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 28/03/2018 12:29

Thanks everyone, just on my lunch break.

I've decided there's no point looking through his phone. I honestly don't think there would be any evidence on there, and you're right, its a horrible invasion of his privacy.

I think I'm going to ignore the email. I can't get any proof from them, there won't be any photos or anything they can verify their claims with, so I will just leave it. I think!

Which means I will next discuss with my DH.

I want to say a big thank you to everyone for your wise words, support and advice.

I promise I will update but it won't be until the weekend. Going to have a little social media break for a few days.

Thanks again all xx

foureyedfox best of luck to you in the future

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 12:37

OP

I think your plan is probably the best one in a horrible situation.

I hope those discussions with your DH go well for you. I hope you can stay calm and remember, when others go low, go high!

UtterlyRainbowed · 28/03/2018 12:40

You say your gut says he hasn't and it was a "I'm surprised your still with X after what happened with Y at Z" type email.

I'd be tempted to reply: Thank you for your concern over my marital issues. I'm sure that was just to get back at me for my own affairs please tell Y to get tested as I wasn't that careful and X only became aware of my infections after he got a nasty rash please. I'm sure she slipped his mind.

I'm just a petty cow though

MTBMummy · 28/03/2018 13:09

Just seen this thread, and wanted to wish you good luck.

I've had it both ways - being the named person in the email, I wasn't shacked up with her husband, her husband was not in any way attractive to me, and she managed to track down my company mobile number and phoned constantly threatening to name me in divorce proceedings, sending hit men, etc - it was horrible. Thankfully it stopped when I left the company and could get rid of that phone number.

I also received one that my (now ex) husband was shagging his PA, turned out they were right, they probably did me the biggest favour as I'm well rid of the stupid bastard

QueenDaisy · 28/03/2018 13:20

I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me

I’ve just seen your thread & read all your updates, in my opinion the text above from your OP is the big red flag, along with your feelings about her, she was uncomfortable in your company because of what they’d been up to. Sorry to be so blunt, I don’t think he’ll admit it & you’ll never find any evidence as it was probably just a couple of one offs as opposed to an affair. Sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Doremisofarsogood · 28/03/2018 13:33

Good luck - no-one knows your husband as well as you do so if you've decided to discuss it with him, go ahead and hopefully you'll get some answers! Personally I wouldn't have been able to resist replying to the email but I do think it's probably sensible not to....I also believe he has probably been a bit foolish while away with work, rather than a full-blown affair.....only you can decide what you're happy with. Thinking of you x

HateTheDF · 28/03/2018 14:19

OP I haven't read the full thread so I don't know if this has been said already but you can look through the email headers and sometimes if the sender hasn't been clever then you can find the IP address and then find out where it came from.

Wow2806 · 28/03/2018 17:56

Do you think or know if he has clashed with anyone at work?
Could it be possible that someone who doesn't like him or soneone is potentially abit jealous of either him or her. And was also at the same event.. Saw you standing on your own and him dancing silly.. And has been motivated to stir the pot..

whatthejeff12 · 28/03/2018 19:39

Can you forward the email to him?

Jassmells · 28/03/2018 20:31

Just wondered what sort of job your DH does and if anyone could be aggrieved at him? E.g. It's bonus time of year does he get a say in anyone's bonus?

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 20:44

OP just wanted to say that I admire how headed you have been. I wish you all the best. I hope the weekend presents a resolution of sorts.

JustMarriedBecca · 28/03/2018 22:02

Loads of love OP. I always find these posts the hardest. Personally I'd not feel aggrieved my husband had checked or read my emails if he got an anonymous email like that. I have nothing to hide except an addiction to online shopping and problems logging in to 30 hours of free childcare. I don't feel like it has anything to do with trust somehow which I realise is bonkers but somehow it feels like an establishment of the facts and is much more logical. Maybe because both my husband and I are logical evidential people.

If I got an email like that I would probably try and do nothing but then email and say 'I've seen this hurtful email. What evidence do you have' and wait and see what they provide. I guess in the circumstances like someone said above I'd not give evidence if I was sending an anonymous note as I'd be worried the evidence would out me. Presumably if I'd sent it it would be because I didn't want to be identified - it would affect me professionally etc. I would never send an email designed to hurt someone though so I guess my intentions are different.

Good luck OP x

GabsAlot · 28/03/2018 22:49

good luck op i dont think as youve stated he will tell u the truth so if he does deny it i hope u can get past it

GreenVoyage · 29/03/2018 08:56

Hope you get answers OP Flowers

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 29/03/2018 15:11

Best of luck op. I think this could easily be someone from work pissed off with your dh. Maybe saw a little bit of flirting between them and ran with it to fuck his life up. People do do this kind of shit sadly.

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2018 15:18

Of course they could possibly provide proof, why would you need pictures. If it's thr other woman she can describe something about his body, if it's someone else they tell you something that would verify how they know.

It's ok to actually not want to know, because knowing means you'd have to deal with it and you already know he will deny it so taking to him is pointless. So I think ultimately you have decided you'd rather not know and would prefer to ignore it if he's cheating.. As said, I could not do this, but each of us is different. Are you sure it won't gnaw away at you?

JustVent · 29/03/2018 15:27

Good luck op.

IndieTara · 29/03/2018 15:48

Best of luck OP