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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
Ninabean17 · 31/03/2018 14:52

Wishing you luck op x

LexieLulu · 31/03/2018 17:19

I would have thought responding to emails could have at least gave you a brief idea of when/how emailer knew?

Hope this weekend goes ok xx

Chattymummyhere · 31/03/2018 17:55

I’ve had one of these she even went as far as to say she’s was fired by dh because she wouldn’t. I simply told her she’s should file for unfairness dismisal and sexual harassment if He had done that to her. Nothing ever came of it and I had infact seen the texts of her casing after him for my prof he was innocent. It all came out at a drunken works party as well from the work loud mouth/gossip she was fired for sexually harassing and gross misconduct of works communications to harass him via works emails and phones. She occasionally liked something I’ve posted on local fb groups but that stopped when I told her I would show her fiancé the proof of what actually happened including trying the “I’m single it’s so sad meet me please Wink ” the day before their date night.

insideoutsider · 31/03/2018 19:25

OP, you have a lot of courage and you seem very level headed - well done you!

I had this kind of email when I was married. I swore blind that my husband could never cheat on me. His work weekends away was purely for work, when he would never let me drop him off at the airport, he just didn't want me stressed about driving.

When I got the email, I thought - stupid woman, I won't fall for that rubbish... Until I dared to reply and ask for proof...

Too much proof arrived. Tons of photos of them half naked together, emails from between them, receipts of gifts she'd bought him (that he said he bought himself)... I confronted him with it. He said the photos were photoshopped, the emails were fake, the receipts were stolen from his desk at work! Didn't I know that she is a sl** and she has been chasing after him, trying to destroy his marriage?!!! I totally believed him! We had several more years together where he stopped hiding his affairs altogether.

That was a long long time ago though. I'm sure your husband will never do that. Flowers

GreenVoyage · 31/03/2018 22:21

Any update OP?

SparklyMagpie · 01/04/2018 13:29

Hoping You're ok OP! X

monkeytoad35 · 01/04/2018 14:26

Hope your ok OP! X

MiddleClassProblem · 02/04/2018 09:16

Thinking of you x

Megatron · 02/04/2018 09:28

Hope all OK, OP.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 09:28

I think you all need to accept that the OP is not coming back to the thread, she's clearly hidden it. She's not duty bound to update.

Megatron · 02/04/2018 09:36

She's not duty bound to update.

I haven't seen anyone say she was Lizzie.

Singlikemiranda · 02/04/2018 09:59

Hope you are ok OP

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 02/04/2018 10:11

Hello everyone
Had a big chat with DH. I told him that this was his opportunity to be honest with me, and that I knew he had cheated on me with X person.
He swears nothing happened. He said that there had only been one conference where it was just him and her and she hadn't been on any of the others, and that weekend he rang me every night when he was back in his room. I said that means nothing. That weekend all he did was moan about her being too 'loud' and talking crap about other men she was dating, and interrupting him when he was trying to do other stuff after the conference had finished in the evenings. He cried and promised me that he wouldn't ever cheat and never has, and when he goes out without me he always acts in the way he would expect me to act. He said if he or I ever cheated that would be the end of our relationship.
He then showed me all the texts between him and her (again, this means nothing, because if there was anything he didn't want me to see if would have been deleted long ago). All the messages he showed me were completely professional messages, no over familiarity at all.
So he then messaged her supervisor asking if she had heard any rumours when the other woman worked there, supervisor messaged back and said no, nothing, and asked where this had come from. DH explained, supervisor said the woman has a new jealous partner and it sounds like it could be the sort of thing he would do to 'catch her out' (the more I think about this possible explanation, the less I think it sounds feasible. However it did come from the supervisor and not him. Also him and the supervisor are not great friends so the supervisor has no reason to try and cover for him).
He then said he would message the other woman, he started putting together a message and I told him not to bother. Because I didn't really think that would prove anything either way.

I decided to reply to the email before I spoke to him. I basically said I was surprised to get this message and could they give me some more information. The sender did not reply. The reason they didn't reply, I think, is because its a made up account for the sole purpose of contacting me, and they would have to remember to log in and check the messages. And maybe because I didn't respond straight away they thought I wasn't going to.

So really I am none the wiser. My gut, when I asked him, was that he hadn't. But that's not to say I am right.

It's a really difficult one as there is no proof either way. He can't prove he hasn't cheated. And the unknown email sender can't prove that he has. I just have to go with my gut I think. That's not to say I'm just going to forget about it all, I'm definitely not, but for now I have to leave it until I get some more evidence either way.

Just want to thank everyone for their support and advice

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/04/2018 10:18

I think you have done everything you can for now. I'd still be keeping an eye on things though because you have felt uncomfortable about him and her in the past.

iheartmichellemallon · 02/04/2018 10:29

Glad you're ok Op. If you do trust your DH, please don't let a cowardly malicious email cause permanent damage to your relationship. Imagine if your DH had received that email about you - how would you feel if he gave it credence & you'd done nothing wrong.

Doesn't hurt to keep your eyes open as I do believe everyone has the capacity to cheat if circumstances conspire in such a way, but don't let it take over everything or allow paranoia to set in. Thanks

RawhideRingpiece · 02/04/2018 10:32

Keep your eyes open.

Complaining about the OW is quite common.

LightDrizzle · 02/04/2018 10:41

Running down the woman you are cheating with or fancy, seems to be very common. It took me ages to realise my ex did this. He nastily would pick on actual physical flaws and make horrid comments (acne and the strong smell of her topical cream, thick ankles). Vile enough without knowing the ulterior motive.
I’ve since heard this is so common it’s almost a red flag; moaning about the OW to put you off the scent.
I hope your husband is innocent but be vigilant. He has every opportunity and conference/business trip shagging was normalised in the industry I worked in Confused

pencilhoarder · 02/04/2018 11:19

Trust your instinct, OP, it is usually right.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/04/2018 11:44

The crying and slagging her off would definitely make me go hmmmm tbh. Why on Earth was he crying do you think?

RandomLadyFromTheNorth · 02/04/2018 11:49

Sounds innocent to me from what you've said.
Sounds like someone is shit stirring!
Trust your DH until you see evidence otherwise. 

BitOutOfPractice - crying is probably because he is worried for his marriage after lies being made up about him. Hmm

liveandletbe · 02/04/2018 11:50

you can PM me the email address you received the email from, can't guarantee anything, but will try to narrow it down for you.

BoobleMcB · 02/04/2018 11:52

Oh ffs he's not done anything. It's a malicious email sent by some pathetic individual. Why bother asking him if you were never going to believe him??

He showed you the messages between them, yes he could have deleted any that were out of order but then there would be gaps in the flow and it would be apparent that messages were missing.

There is no evidence of any wrong doing by your poor DH and never has been yet he's already guilty, hung, drawn and quartered by MN Jury

MiddleClassProblem · 02/04/2018 11:53

Good luck. And I hope it’s just someone being a twat rather than DH cheating x

liveandletbe · 02/04/2018 11:57

sorry posted before I was finished, or you could also see that messaging a supervisor was easy for him about a personal situation which is in itself odd (boundaries and all that) so you could check out how close the supervisor is to the female in question, if you had her pegged before any of this as @pencilhoarder said, go with your gut and ignore the noise. `crying is not an innocent response, neither is anger.

SpiritedLondon · 02/04/2018 12:05

I would just like to add that it seems almost impossible for someone to prove they haven’t done something. ( essentially having to evidence a non event). Unless one of them was not at the conference in which this was supposed to have happened and you can categorically prove they were elsewhere. My other thought is how you know the “ supervisor “ was in fact the person you think it was? I’m not particularly invested in either argument here so I’m not saying your husband is lying or not but it would be easy to produce a name and number - how would you know if it was the genuine supervisor or a friend of your DH saved in his phone as something else.