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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/03/2018 07:54

Morning op, yes I'd have done the same, responded to the sender and asked for proof. If none is forth coming I'd try to put this behind you and assume hoax, but I would tell him and see what he says. Judge his reaction. I also think at that stage he has a right to know.

If they do send something, then deal with what they send based on what it is. 💐

Roussette · 28/03/2018 07:56

Can you imagine if you sent an email like that... how frustrating it would be to get no reply? You would drive yourself mad thinking.. have they had the email, what are they going to do about it, have they spoken to him, why aren't they replying, perhaps it's gone into junk, should I send another one, why won't they reply...
Anyone who does this deserves to be beyond frustrated at getting no reply. Silence is powerful.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 28/03/2018 08:09

Well done op. I think you're being amazing. I'm not sure I would have coped so well under this sort of pressure

I agree with the last bunch of posters. I think my knee jerk reaction would be to reply but actually it just reels you in. It's not from someone who cares about you and your welfare or they wouldn't remain anonymous. I wish I had more useful advice but there are some very wise people here.

Take care. Flowers

SenoritaViva · 28/03/2018 08:15

Agreed, take your time before replying and good luck.

willynillypie · 28/03/2018 08:16

I understand what people are saying re not replying, but ultimately I think finding out more information about the husband's possible cheating is more important than getting one over on the emailer.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2018 08:18

I'd bet my mortgage it's from the "OW" if that's what she is

Lonesurvivor · 28/03/2018 08:35

m not sure I'd reply to the email either, from the brief description you've given it sounds like someone wanting to cause trouble rather than someone thinking it's your right to know.

If your dh insists is not true, I'd expect him to cause ructions at work with HR and insist they investigate further on which of their employees is behaving maliciously.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 28/03/2018 08:54

It's not from someone who cares about you and your welfare or they wouldn't remain anonymous.. That’s not necessarily true. If it’s from someone who relies on OP’s H for their job then I can totally see why they wouldn’t want to get involved and yet still want you to know. As I said my XDP’s boss was shagging around and the whole office knew but nobody wanted to put their job at risk by being the one to tell his DW.

jacks11 · 28/03/2018 09:14

I have no idea from what you have said whether your DH has been cheating or not. What I would say is that the person e-mailing you anonymously is most likely not doing to be your friend or doing it out of concern for you, so I would be wary of replying to them. I also question whether they are reliable and so any "evidence" they may provide would also be questionable (unless incontrovertible evidence e.g. photographic or similar).

I realise I am in the minority here as most posters think it is fine to snoop but I think you need to think carefully about the consequences of the snooping. You are violating his privacy- even if the reasons for doing so are understandable. Maybe you will find evidence he has cheated and that makes it all very clear cut. But if you find nothing are your suspicions going to go away? If you do continue to snoop, you need to be sure that not finding anything will help resolve your doubts. If not, I question what the point is because whether he has cheated or not, your relationship is in deep trouble because you fundamentally don't trust him. And what is the point in staying in a marriage where you don't trust your partner, based on an anonymous tip off?

My ex-partner did some serious snooping on me when he was suspicious I had cheated (I hadn't). His suspicions were based on his friend seeing me having lunch with a male friend/work colleague. His friend didn't like me much and had told DP it looked suspicious. So rather than ask me about it, he went through personal and work emails (he guessed my work password), my phone, laptop, Facebook. Even tried to hack my personal bank account. I found out what he had been doing because of the bank thing- you can use your card to reset personal banking and he tried to do this, causing an alert to be sent to my phone. He hadn't found any evidence when looking at my phone or personal email but this didn't settle the doubt in his mind so he continued to snoop. He too said he didn't confront me directly as he knew I would deny it, so he looked for proof to confront me with. Unfortunately, the lack of "evidence" wasn't enough to dispel his suspicion. In the end, he was convinced I hadn't done anything wrong and wanted to continue the relationship. However, I ended it- in no small part because of his snooping and breach of my privacy and trust. Obviously, his lack of trust was a big issue too. But by then, I did not trust him either because of what he had done. I felt utterly betrayed by his actions and devastated that he thought so little of me. It actually caused a lot of hurt and I had some trust issues for a while after that.

I understand some people say "you need to get your evidence". Perhaps the ends justify the means sometimes, bur having been on the other end of this I'd just say please be aware of the potential damage you are doing to your relationship and, potentially, your partner if your suspicions turn out not to be be justified.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 28/03/2018 09:17

I'm at work today which is a relief as it means I am not at home trying to pretend all is normal with DH.

I will try and check his phone but I'm certain there won't be anything on it, there's no way he would have left evidence of a historical encounter. If there was one.

The thing that is niggling me is that I was already a bit aware of this woman due to what had previously occurred at the function and from what DH said, I have never told DH I felt uncomfortable about her, so it's very interesting that this same woman has been named by another person (or herself) by the emailer.

Thanks for your support and will respond to any messages tonight x

OP posts:
Pigeonpost · 28/03/2018 09:22

Well done for remaining level-headed. Keep digging.

DaphneduM · 28/03/2018 09:33

Hope you have a good day, at least being at work is a distraction for you. I think you're being very wise in not responding to the e-mail. Someone is trying to cause trouble for you, by keeping a dignified silence you have the upper hand. I really hope it turns out to be nothing.

rainbowruthie · 28/03/2018 09:49

Just wanted to send you my very best wishes and to add that I would most definitely not engage with the sender of the email Flowers

GabsAlot · 28/03/2018 09:58

thats exactly what i thought op this woman was already in the frame and he lied about her so go with your instincts id say

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 28/03/2018 10:22

I'm somewhat in agreement with @jacks11. I would be devastated if my husband had an email like this and didn't speak to me about it right away. And likewise, if I had been sent an email like this, I would speak to my DH immediately.

In your case, you're married to the guy, you've said you've had no reason to not trust him in the past and as yet, have no proof.

I fully understand why an email like this has unsettled you, but that's all you need to say to DH.

"Husband, I've had a really weird email. Some anonymous party has said you're cheating on me with so'n'so. It's really unsettled me so can you just tell me why you think I've had an email like this?"

I'm sure you know your dh well enough to know if he's lying to you or not.

Snooping through his phone, emails, Facebook etc is just as unsettling in itself. If it turns out he hasn't cheated on you, who's the bad guy here? Him for being totally innocent in this or you for invading his privacy?

Of course, if he has cheated on you (I really hope not), chop his balls off!!!

Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 10:28

These threads are curious things - with people egging someone on into action that would/could be really impactful on their lives. Jacks11 has provided an account of the other side of the fence and the dangers of the so-called "digging".

Someone is interfering in OP's marriage. That she was aware of the alleged other woman is proof of nothing; actually there are probably a list of women that she is aware of but this e-mail has created a new emphasis for OP that will retro-engineer all other thoughts and levels of awareness.

I think that the only thing to do it is for OP to print-off the e-mail and show it to her DH and then watch his face very closely.

Digging and hacking his personal mails is not the solution IMHO. Once you start looking for something, it is almost impossible to stop until you do find something.

Lizzie48 · 28/03/2018 10:42

I would be wary of snooping too much. You haven't found any evidence so far, so I think it would make sense to ask your DH directly. You appear to be able to read him well, so there's a good chance you'll know if he's lying.

People do make things up sadly, because they like to stir the pot. Or sometimes they're looking for revenge over some perceived wrong.

Of course it's possible that he's guilty, but it would be a good idea to keep an open mind.

Curtainshopping · 28/03/2018 10:44

I don’t think the emailer is necessarily sinister or malicious. They may feel strongly that you need to know but not know you well enough to say face-to-face or not want the cheaters to know it was them that told.

giraffepickle · 28/03/2018 10:46

I'm wondering if the email is actually from the woman you were concerned about but he didn't cheat on you.

Maybe she's just a complete weirdo and has done it to push him into her arms further if you were to split after planting the seed, even if there's never any proof this could cause long term damage to your relationship.

You may also have got odd vibes from her when you met her in the past because she's weird, jealous and probably a bit obsessed with your DH?

Usually with these types of threads I instantly think...he blatantly cheated, but something doesn't add up here.

sparklyshoes16 · 28/03/2018 10:50

I would just print the email off and show him, like others have said...however if it was me I would turn up at his work and ask him to come out to the car park...I would most likely say something along the lines of sorry mum's ill got to go to her but before I go jump in need to show you something!! My husband would be completely off guard and I can read him like a book with his reaction!

Whatever happens I hope you're ok Thanks

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/03/2018 11:00

Jacks speaks slot of sense actually . And I was one that advised snooping Blush

Op you must do what you think is best and posters will always have a personal bias in their answers

Bluntness100 · 28/03/2018 11:08

Anyone who does this deserves to be beyond frustrated at getting no reply

This indicates you feel anyone who tells you your husband is cheating should be punished. That instead of making that person irrelevant and focusing on finding out the truth, even if it means asking them, your focus would be on to punish them for it. I think this is the difference. My focus would be on finding out the truth. It would be more important to me to know if my husband cheated than it would be for me to frustrate the person who told me.

In addition, I strongly believe you shouldn't tell, I wouldn't. But many people believe the wife should know. It's understandable that person may wish to be anonymous due to fall out but still wish to do what they perceive as their moral duty. They may well send the email and simply think "I've told her, the rest is up to her". You may not wish to be party to thr fall out of your actions.

Butterymuffin · 28/03/2018 11:23

My focus would be on finding out the truth.

You can't rely on an anonymous emailer telling you the truth. They will tell you that they want to tell you for their own reasons. Those could be good reasons, or they may not be. But don't behave as if information from them will settle everything. It won't.

obligations · 28/03/2018 11:40

OP - only you know what your relationship is like, but I think having a plan in place in case it is true wouldn't be a bad idea, and then maybe just show him the email and ask about it. All the snooping etc is so complicated and maybe some posters are egging you on without really considering the personal impact on you.

Foureyedfox · 28/03/2018 11:52

Hi and sorry this is happening. It is shit.
I had anonymous text messages about my husband, turned out to be true.

My messages were from the other woman. Even though DH was adamant it wasn’t her style, she gave him the “why would I do that? I’m happy to carry on as we are” etc etc.

Turns out she wasn’t as sweet, patient and understanding as she’d made out to him.

We’re trying to move forward. She’s pissed off her plan backfired. Worst time ever.

Be kind to yourself x