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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
whatthejeff12 · 27/03/2018 22:12

You are very restrained. Good luck OP. I hope you get some answers x

cjholly · 27/03/2018 22:30

Good luck op x

iheartmichellemallon · 27/03/2018 22:34

Good luck Thanks

HollowTalk · 27/03/2018 22:38

The sender wouldn't be using their own name, so no need to look around for someone with a similar name.

I think a reply saying "Prove it or leave me alone" would be enough. If she could prove it, she would, presumably?

Horrible, horrible situation for you to be in, though.

S0upertrooper · 27/03/2018 22:40

OP you sound like a strong woman. Wishing you well. 🦋

Newtothis2017 · 27/03/2018 22:46

Hope you are ok and your dh has not been cheating💐

celebrityskin · 27/03/2018 23:09

Good luck xx

ConstantReminder · 27/03/2018 23:49

Fingers crossed for you

weneedtotalk · 28/03/2018 00:12

You can reverse search the email op. Spokeo are quite good (or at least when I used them 5 years ago)

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2018 00:21

Have you posted about your DH before? I remember a thread about someone's DH lying to them and the OP said the same as you, that they weren't going to say what the lie was as it was "too identifying."

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/03/2018 00:24

He was due to be back on Saturday. However he has called me to say he is coming back tonight as he is unwell. And big thanks for your support 

Any chance he's been told about the email? Seems a bit convenient!

I hope all is okay.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 28/03/2018 05:36

LagunaBubbles No I have never posted about my DH

I got up early, no Facebook messages, nothing in his emails at all. No emails letting him know I have been told either.

I will reply to the email today and see if they respond

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 28/03/2018 06:07

weneedtotalk I tried Spokeo but you have to pay for the results. And actually I don't think there will be anything associated with the email address because I think it's been set up for them to make this contact with me. There's literally no trace of it online, not one hit.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/03/2018 06:26

Have you tried the Linked in for his company ? That’s quite a good way to work out who people he work with are

I also think your gut feel will be telling - but not 200% accurate sadly but look back to the dates. Of said trips etc

Tinkie25 · 28/03/2018 06:38

Good luck OP.

I hope you get the answers you’re looking for.💐

Italia2005 · 28/03/2018 06:59

Dilemma, I would urge you give this a little more time as if you respond to the email you will be playing into the sender’s hand - until you can do more digging you don’t need to expose to an unknown person (who may or may not be a stranger) your willingness to believe the claims are true, if you see what I mean. If this turns out to be a malicious false accusation, which hopefully it is, you don’t want to add to the sender’s ‘power’ by your reply indicating you believe that it’s possibly true - furthermore, if you don’t reply immeduately this will frustrate the sender who won’t even know if you received / read it.
Based on PPs’ varied suggestions, the best way is to arm yourself with every bit of knowledge and fact you can find by delving deep into your DH’s devices before seeking information from the unknown sender.
I understand how devastating and overwhelming this situation is and advise you to establish undisputable facts first before seeking any info. from a potentially unreliable source.
If this is all completely untrue your DH could be devastated if you chose to believe something like this. If you delve in secret that remains between you and your conscience, involves no one else, and if you find nothing then you can tell him about the email to find out his response.

ivykaty44 · 28/03/2018 07:01

I would be very wary of replying to the email

The email has been sent
Like a fishing rod is cast
Take your time before biting on the bait
As it could be loaded with a hook

AgathaF · 28/03/2018 07:02

I hope the email sender doesn't play games with you. I'm not sure how else you can get the information you want though, if your H is unlikely to be honest.

LeatherTuscadero · 28/03/2018 07:05

I haven’t RTT, only the OP’s entries.

I’d just say, even when many posters are disagreeing, with a large volume of responses a consensus still does emerge. And it can be difficult to resist that consensus. Which may turn out to be wrong.

ivykaty44 · 28/03/2018 07:09

I would strongly advice you not to engage with an anonymous email, this isn’t someone who has your best interest at heart or care how you feel. They have already caused you a great deal of pain and anguish

YolandasFridge · 28/03/2018 07:23

Italia sums it up

Ignore the email or your playing into their hands. Who's to say anything they say is true anyway?

You need to do more secret digging. Texts, WhatsApp etc.
Bide your time

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2018 07:37

The emailer sender is not your friend op, no matter what their motives are. Be wary.

If he's been told you've been emailed (which I think is likely: early return + chirpy demeanour) then he'll be nervous. And cautious. Hide your time.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 28/03/2018 07:39

OK... I appreciate everyones comments. I'll hold off replying for now and try to get some more info from him phone. I'll keep you all posted x

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 28/03/2018 07:42

I agree with the last few posters. Someone who really felt, on a moral level, that you needed to know, or was motivated by care for you, would speak openly, in their own name, preferably in person. It's a truism we all absorbed from reading Malory Towers aged 10 that poison-pen letters are the lowest of the low. Holding to that and acting accordingly has nothing to do with whether this allegation is true or not (I do hope for your sake it isn't).

If this were me, I would be speaking to dh about it. But you don't feel you'll get the truth from him, and it seems you have good past reason. That should give you pause, but not too much pause at this stage. Keep an open mind, keep this to yourself and keep trying to find stuff out.

Whatever the truth or otherwise of it, someone (be it this person or dh or both) has hurt you with little regard to the consequences for your life, and I am sorry you are going through this.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/03/2018 07:42

OP, mumsnet is a great source of support but people ok this threadcare also curious and some want answers for themselves as well as you. Don’t reply to the email just yet take your time. If they message you again within a few days then ignore all together. They will be wanting a reaction.