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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

282 replies

klf1307 · 26/03/2018 20:45

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 26/03/2018 20:50

I wouldn't talk to him about your will. The reality is that you can write that you would like to give custody to your brother and sister in law, but as the father he could challenge this in the event if your death.

I assume you are healthy currently. Leave the will aside now, as it is an unnecessary source of conflict.

Cutting him out of her life for no good reason would be unreasonable yes. He is her father, and wishes to be involved.

What would you consider reasonable re contact?

LoopyLoo92 · 26/03/2018 20:51

TBH If i were in your shoes I would probably leave him off the BC.... Purely for the fact, you fear he will try to take her out of the country.

This isn't cutting her out of your dd life. There is no reason why he cant have visitation etc.... but without parental responsibility, he won't be able to take her out of the country without your permission.

justmatureenough2bdad · 26/03/2018 20:53

can you actually unilaterally make the decision to cut him out of his daughter's life? if anything hapoens to you, his child is to go to your brother.... i think you're deluded... he has patental rights that you cant just decide he shouldnt have because he's foreign...

pinkiepie1 · 26/03/2018 20:55

I think you're really well organized getting all that sorted.
No if you don't trust that he will have your daughters best interests I would leave him off it.
But that's just my opinion, you're her mum you know what's best, just follow you're instincts

FissionChips · 26/03/2018 20:56

Couldn’t he just ask the court for a DNA test?

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/03/2018 20:56

I wouldn't put him on.
You can add him on at a later date if he becomes settled in the UK and has a good relationship with her but he doesn't sound like he is interested in what is best for you (and in turn your DD) right now.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/03/2018 20:59

If It were me, I’d leave him off the BC but let him play a full role in her life. Consider speaking to a family lawyer about this to get full clarification about these matters.

Ps you said he lives in shared accommodation but later mentioned that he never does housework? Do you live together?

TookyClothespin · 26/03/2018 21:00

I'd leave him off. He can still be involved in her life on a day to day basis but wouldn't be able to leave the country with her. That would concern me in your shoes.

Original poster
klf1307 · 26/03/2018 21:01

I have no intention of preventing them from seeing each other. I've seen the damage this causes too often with my family and friends. It's the fact he could take her if he has parental rights.

But yes as her mother I could make that decision and it's not "because he's foreign" it's because I believe my brother is best placed to take care of her for the reasons mentioned above.

It's all very uncertain.

OP posts:
Goldenhedgehogs · 26/03/2018 21:02

Don't put him on birth certificate, by leaving him off means it would be a bit harder for him to prove parental responsibility. If he really pushed he could still prove it but the DNA tests accepted by courts cost about £600, the boots ones are not accepted in my UK area, so he would have to pay that, and go through the hassle of applying to court. In your shoes I would maintain my independence and plan for a future for just you and your child. Also speak this through your local women's aid, as you can apply for things like prohibitive steps to prevent him leaving with country with your child. And as for going to registry office alone to register birth, it will be hard but it's a fifteen minute appointment compared to 18 years of worry and you could always take a friend with you. Good luck

Barbie222 · 26/03/2018 21:02

I think there's probably a lot of distance between you because of the different cultures. You will either need to get closer to the way he thinks and feels or let him go.

DancesWithOtters · 26/03/2018 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dragonwarrior · 26/03/2018 21:03

Please give her your surname.

Original poster
klf1307 · 26/03/2018 21:06

We don't live together - we never got that far... didn't have a chance. We take it in turns to visit each other each week.

OP posts:
Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 26/03/2018 21:08

I haven’t even read your post but in my eyes unless you were forced into sex with this man you created a child with him and he should be named.

It’s totally inappropriate to consider not naming the father of a child.

formerbabe · 26/03/2018 21:08

If It were me, I’d leave him off the BC but let him play a full role in her life

I would do the same

LeeroyJenkins · 26/03/2018 21:08

In your situation I would probably register her alone, with your surname. You have said you don't plan to stop him having a relationship with her, that's enough.

Byebyebye · 26/03/2018 21:09

Leave him off the BC if you want but you need to know if he bothers to go to court for PR he will be given PR and if you die whatever you wish in your will unless social services have a very good reason like drug use or criminal activity he will most likely be the number one choice foreigner or not.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/03/2018 21:10

Alternatively just never get her a passport. You have to sign these things and provide your detail.

Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 26/03/2018 21:13

My DH never offered to help around the house either when I’m as pregnant- for some men it just isn’t on their radar.

Not wanting to be at the birth can be common in some cultures.

Of course he would be upset with your will. It’s his child and you are saying it would be brought up by someone else! Surely this upset proves that he loves and cares for the unborn child!

He is her dad. You can’t take rights away from him because you don’t like the fact he is from another culture.

From what you have posted he doesn’t sound dangerous, in fact you said he would be allowed contact so you can’t have concerns over his parenting ability.

If it was a man posting this I bet the replies would have been very different!

Qs333 · 26/03/2018 21:14

But he's her father, why should he not have equal rights to you with regards to his child.

category12 · 26/03/2018 21:16

As pp has said, the will is an unnecessary conflict - you didn't need to tell him your plans. It's very unlikely to come to pass, and I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve by telling him. He could contest it in the event of your death.

I wouldn't register him as the father - he can apply for PR through the courts if he feels strongly about it. It doesn't sound like he's in a good position and it gives you a bit of peace of mind.

oblada · 26/03/2018 21:18

The man sounds like a waste of space but you do not actually believe that you can name guardians in your will do you? Social services will step in and decide what is best for the child.

username182 · 26/03/2018 21:18

Don't put him on the birth certificate. And give the baby your surname if you don't want him taking her out of the country.
He has no rights if he's not on certificate, won't be able to apply for a passport for her.

sonjadog · 26/03/2018 21:19

I would leave him off the BC. I would be pragmatic rather than idealistic in this circumstance.