To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

[klf1307]

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

YANBU, if I were to have another child then I wouldn't name their father on the birth certificate.

As an unmarried mother you do have the right to make that decision. But you have to accept the risk that he may attempt to over ride that decision via the courts.

Personally I would register the child alone then wait and see what happens

Well. I work with DV and without stereotyping not way would I give him PR. There is nothing you have written that makes me think he is going to of any beneficial influence.

Having a blank section for father on the birth certificate can be very embarrassing later in life.

Not really, how often does anyone use their birth certificate? The only people who look at it are professionals like registrars or when you get a passport made up, not the sort of people who would have any business making it embarrassing. We're not living in the dark ages. And the child will know who their father is, it just wouldn't be on that particular piece of paper.

Leave him off BC! Give her your surname. It will save you so much worry. You sound like a thoughtful mum.

Keeping seeing him is a bit strange to me but maybe you are great friends.

I agree with this, if you are not both on the same page it will just be confusing for your daughter growing up. Many split relationships work but they are not without a lot of compromise on both sides. Without compromising things just get argumentative and it sounds like you are at this point before she is even born. I am not saying you are right though, the idea that he will be fully involved without rights isn't likely to work. Maybe start creating some distance. If you have a good support network and he isn't going to be at the birth, don't tell him immediately if you don't want it on Facebook.

You can’t actually put him on the birth certificate without him being present which perhaps puts a different spin on things?

Personally, I feel it’s pointless as the courts will do it if that’s what he chooses. And a child deserves to know exactly where they came from.

You know what, it pisses me off the posts that come out with ‘what will your child feel like looking at a blank space where her dads name should be’
Because it’s utter shite.

I’m adopted, I have two bc. And no, neither of my ‘dads’ stuck around. So I have two dickheads named and how do I feel looking at their names? Like what a fucking waste- of my time, emotions and energy. So pedal that shit to someone else.

It is unfortunate you are having a baby by a man who you don't think will be a good father, you do sound very spooked by that and I don't blame you, but you can't decide your brother would take over her care in the event of your death. Birth cert or no, as her father he will have rights if he wants to legally pursue them. Also, if he wants to stay here having a British daughter may help his case which gives added motivation.

Stop letting him come over to your house if he annoys you, there's no reason for it when the baby isn't even here yet and you're no longer a couple. Also, why tell him he will contact your best friend after the baby is born? Don't give him any jobs at all! You need to organize stronger boundaries with this guy, no wonder he thinks he can walk all over you.

Anyway op, I’d personally not name him if you think he’s a fleeing risk.
And get a passport quick- that way you can renew even if he takes it to court to have his name added.

My ds doesn’t have his ‘dads’ name on his bc by the way. Because he’s a deadbeat who spends zero time or energy even thinking about him let alone seeing or knowing him.

Personally, I feel it’s pointless as the courts will do it if that’s what he chooses. And a child deserves to know exactly where they came from

Granted they do most of the time but not all the time. And a huge amount of the time the dad won’t even bother going down that road

I don’t think you should put his name on the birth certificate at all. And I agree with pp that the baby should have your name too.

Maybe things will work out for you both, but for now as you have some niggling doubts I think you need to think about what you would do in 10 years time if you needed both parents signatures for something like a passport and you had split up and then you had to find him.

If he’s in a flat share how’s he going to support a baby?

You know what, it pisses me off the posts that come out with ‘what will your child feel like looking at a blank space where her dads name should be’
Because it’s utter shite.

Oh I agree. My father isn't on my birth certificate. I can confidently say I have never looked at that piece of paper and had an identity crisis over a missing name It's such a non issue it's ridiculous.

My honest answer after how you've described him is to get yourself some very good legal advice, the best you can afford. I honestly don't think you've thought this through very well, and there are massive cultural differences between you. He's not respectful, not helpful, doesn't have a job or his own home, and frankly I'm really struggling to understand what on earth you are doing by encouraging contact before your baby arrives......
I think you may have got a tiger by the tail here, and you need to make sure you do everything to protect yourself and your daughter.

Why are you spending time together so frequently if youre not together?!

Give baby your surname.

Keep him off bc and let him apply for pr.

Dont discuss your will! Needless. And pointless.

You know the will and naming guardians means almost nothing though, right? in the event of your death he could just petition the court, get PR, and will get custody unless there is a very good reason why not.

It's not about you or him and what either of you want. It's about the child, and they have a fundamental right to both of their parents.

But yes as her mother I could make that decision and it's not "because he's foreign" it's because I believe my brother is best placed to take care of her for the reasons mentioned above.

You've been misinformed. A judge can and will over-rule you unless there is evidence your ex is an abusive person. If he takes you to court he will get parental rights and some form of contact - I know you're planning for him to have contact anyway, but it's for the best that you know it doesn't start and end with what you decide he can have. Get some legal advice.

Passports don't need both parents signatures. Can't think of anything else that does either.
I wouldn't put him on the bc if you really believe he could be a flight risk.
Really and honestly you know next to nothing about this guy at all and what you do know you don't like.
Don't put him on and if he proves himself, regular contact, child support, still in the country and not living in a shared house in 3 or 4 years go halves on the petition to get him pr.

And as an aside parents don't have rights they have responsibilities. The child has rights.

I can't imagine any court in the land giving custody of your child to your sister over her own father.

Your will is not law and he could contest it - and unless there's evidence that he's abusive/deadbeat I can imagine he would get full custody if you died, whether he's in the birth certificate or not.

OP - have you looked at what Parental Responsiblity means and the rights it will give the father?

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

Just based on what you have written I am surprised you are considering putting him on the birth certificate tbh. There is nothing lost for you if you don't but many implications if you do.

As a matter of interest are his family - mother/father - living in the UK?

I'm sorry but I think it's awful to even consider leaving him off the birth certificate. What message does that give your daughter in later life? He sounds like he wants this baby very much so I think you need to try to work with him not against him otherwise the person you may end up hurting most is your daughter.

You had a 6 week relationship. Don't put his name on the birth certificate.

What if he thinks the baby should have a passport from his own country too? That could be a huge problem for you.

Please don't put his name on the BC whatever you do. I suspect you are very right to be cautious.

Why on earth is he coming to your place at all when the baby isn't here yet and especially coming to criticise you? stop him doing that right now.

I'm sorry but I think it's awful to even consider leaving him off the birth certificate. What message does that give your daughter in later life?

As someone whose father wasn't on her birth cert I don't really know what message she would take from it? Probably that her parents weren't a couple when she was born? A birth certificate without a father's name doesn't have a big glaring space on it you know. It doesn't say "BASTARD" in bold capitals. I'm 45 and it's only ever on MN that I've seen people making a fuss about father's names on birth certificates