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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

282 replies

klf1307 · 26/03/2018 20:45

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

OP posts:
Jestem · 26/03/2018 21:20

As her mother, you don't get to decide she goes to your relatives over her own father. All he has to do is get put on the birth certificate, which he will probably do if he wants to be part of her life.

OlennasWimple · 26/03/2018 21:20

I think it's incredibly cruel to leave a father off the birth certificate unless there are significant extenuating factors (such as DV), which it doesn't seem is the case here

You can make your will and not tell him about it at the moment. But provided he is willing to come with you to register the birth, there is no sound moral reason why he should not be on the birth certificate

oblada · 26/03/2018 21:20

Also not naming him in the birth certificate doesn't really change anything much, he can still apply for parental responsibility in any event. If he wants to.

NotTheQueen · 26/03/2018 21:22

Re the citizenship, if he’s been in the U.K. for several years already, he’ll more than likely qualify for permanent residency by himself. May has already said that those settled will be able to remain.

It could be the making of him, but contact will be on your terms which hopefully will be reasonable. Aside from the fact you’re the primary caregiver, a share house isn’t the place for overnight access visits. It might deliver a kick up the ass too, and you can guarantee his mama is hoping the same.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 26/03/2018 21:22

Personally I would give the child my surname and not put him on the birth certificate but allow him a full and active role in her life.

NotTheQueen · 26/03/2018 21:24

Oh, and before the paranoia kicks in, if in ten years time, your child goes away on holiday with his/her dad, and dad is stupid enough not to come back, it’s called The Hague convention. The child must be returned to his/her normal habitual residence.

ToadsforJustice · 26/03/2018 21:24

If I were you, I would ran as far away from this man as I could. I wouldn't put his name on the BC. No way. This will end in tears.

username182 · 26/03/2018 21:24

If he's on the birth certificate he can apply for a passport for the child on his own. He doesn't need your permission or signature. He would just need to name you on the form.
Not sure how it works for non UK citizens maybe he couldn't but I applied for my sons passport with no input from his father who's named on bc. I've also taken him out of the country on many occasions without anything to prove his father approves and with different surnames.

ArnoldBee · 26/03/2018 21:25

I would have thought that he is more likely to be able to stay in the UK if he can prove that he has a child that a a UK national.

DPotter · 26/03/2018 21:25

I agree that it would be worthwhile to ask the solicitor drawing up your will, about what would happen if you named your brother as the baby's guardian. The solicitor can advise you on the best way to ensure your DD stays in Britain.
Totally agree you don't have to put him on the birth certificate and even if you do, you can still give the baby your surname. In fact at the very minimum I think your DD should have your surname.

It sounds as if your current relationship is rocky, so may I suggest you don't discuss wills, birth certificates and names just now. I'm not sure why you are still in weekly contact with him as things sound very antagonistic. Maybe just let the next few weeks' visits slide. You don't have to have a close relationship with him, especially if you're not getting on too well. You split up with him for a reason remember. As long as you can build a functioning business-like relationship with him, you don't have to be friends.

justmatureenough2bdad · 26/03/2018 21:28

i think is quite a spiteful thing to do... "oh you'll let him have a relationship" with your daughter... you just dont want him to have any rights that conflict with what you want....

you come accross as incredibly judgmental, bigoted and controlling, all under the guise of "wanting whats best for my daughter"... grow up...

Bluelady · 26/03/2018 21:30

I think you're entirety right and reasonable. It really wouldn't be in your daughter's interests to put him on the birth certificate and she comes first.

Booie09 · 26/03/2018 21:33

Sorry maybe you should have considered this before getting pregnant! How will your child feel when she looks at her birth certificate and the fathers name is left blank.

DrWhy · 26/03/2018 21:34

We were advised by our solicitor that DH and I could indicate who we would prefer as a guardian in the event of our death and our wishes would be taken in to account. However, children are not a possession you can leave in a will and ultimately the courts would decide. My sister and her husband have agreed that they would be DSs guardians but if the court felt that moving him across the country to where they live would be too disruptive they may not get him. I hate the idea that he could end up in state care as we have no local relatives. I can’t imagine that a court would place a child with their aunt and uncle instead of the father unless he was clearly unfit.

Inertia · 26/03/2018 21:36

I would give the child my surname, leave him off the BC ( he can be added / obtain PR later, but it can't be removed) and register the birth alone, but I would allow contact.

You are not married, you're not obliged to add him, legally or morally.

You're also not obliged to tell him your plans for the birth- you will be the patient, it's up to you. Given that he's told you that he flat out intends to do the complete opposite of what you are comfortable with, I wouldn't tell him when you go into labour either- tell him when you're ready (and when you've registered the birth).

(Nothing to do with where he's from, and everything to do with the fact that he has clearly stated that he has every intention of doing the opposite of what you've asked for in terms of support).

KindergartenKop · 26/03/2018 21:38

Don't put him on the bc. If you're worried he will take your baby this reason is enough alone. Once he's on there he can't be taken off.

Original poster
klf1307 · 26/03/2018 21:38

Thanks so much everyone. I really do value all your thoughts on this. I know this is a difficult subject, it is for me as well and I'm very grateful you've all taken the time to reply to me. I know now I need to find our exactly where we both stand so I can make a proper decision. And as a couple of you have said, I won't be discussing things in too much detail with him- I told him my thoughts as I believe in being open and honest, but until I know exactly what to do I'll not say anything just yet

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 26/03/2018 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostInShoebiz · 26/03/2018 21:40

Not morally obliged to add him? On what basis is he being left off? Disagreements about levels of housework is all I can see. Very selfish to deny him Parental Responsibility for little more than not being in a relationship and having different views. Like a PP said, what will you say to your daughter about her own father if she asks why his section is blank?

PutUpWithRain · 26/03/2018 21:40

Someone's probably already said this, but as you're not married, he can only go on the birth certificate if he's present when you register the birth. He can be added later, but if you register on your own, you can only add your name.

Obviously, this could lead to problems later on, but there's no requirement for you to name a father if you don't want to. It all sounds very stressful, so Flowers for you.

antimatter · 26/03/2018 21:40

So he comes to your home and criticises you. He will criticise your parenting skills and anything what his family is important will be important to him, not your will.
Is any of them religious? What if he takes your child one day and christens her and would expect you to bring child up as perhaps Roman Catholic. Because traditional smells to me religious (as far as Eastern Europeans go). I am one of them and speak from experience of many of people I know.
Keeping seeing him is a bit strange to me but maybe you are great friends.

AgathaF · 26/03/2018 21:41

I'd leave him off too. This situation, including his extended family sounds a complete minefield.

Vangoghsear · 26/03/2018 21:41

I am mystified as to why you embarked on this course of action, fraught with difficulties. All I would say is that the child should be the priority and the child has two parents. One parent cannot make unilateral decisions at the expense of the other.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/03/2018 21:48

It all sounds very spiteful, like you used him for his sperm and now would like him gone.

You are both equal parents although you seem to think not.

Having a blank section for father on the birth certificate can be very embarrassing later in life.

Ariesgirl1988 · 26/03/2018 21:49

It sounds to me like you're more worried he will leave the country with your daughter soon as he's out of your sight? has he actually said this to you? I think you need to go get some legal advice and be prepared that he may fight you to be added onto the birth certificate later and legally you cannot put him on the birth certificate if you're not married and he isn't there to put his info on there. Whilst you can name your brother and sil as guardians if anything should happen to you he can also contest this. I'd be careful how you act around him because it sounds like you want to cut him out of your life and your daughter will pick up on this as she gets older. Why not see how he acts after baby is here? if he doesn't make an effort then no need to add him on the birth certificate and you can just carry on you and your daughter.

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