To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

[klf1307]

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

In my will I have my dsis as the kids guardian as exDH was very unstable at the time and I thought he may choose not to have them.

But the solicitor made it VERY clear that they would only go to dsis if he allowed it. You can't just sign his parental rights away it's not how it works!

He will also get citizenship based on having a child born here.

You need proper legal advice quick sharp.

Just to point out if he is the father it will be very very easy for him to get on the birth certificate (tiny hassle but you would be cuntish to demend / deny it to him in court and force him extra costs of a proper dna test).

Uk law is good in this regaurd but backwards in placing the entire costs on the father it should be if mother contests the partange she should have to stump up the costs.

But its a simply tick box thing as a court WILL order a dna test and the OP wont be able to stop it all she can do is be slightly spiteful and cost him a fair chuni of money for pretty petty reasons.

And your will does not over rule the biological father accept in certain cases aka he sexaully abused them or a registered sex offender.

Don’t put him on the bc, and i think you should have contact focus on he is your child’s father. He shouldn’t be coming around when he just criticises you - why is he? A separated dad who is supporting the woman pregensnt with his child might come around to help out but this doesn’t sound like the situation.

You decided you wanted to have a child with him but not really?

Actually, seems like a pretty good plan choosing someone 'foreign' who may never have citizenship. He provides you with a child and you get to make sure he never has responsibility or input for that child.

I think you’ve completely misunderstood the legs position TBH. You don’t have the undiluted power to dictate these things that you seem to thing you do. He can easily obtain PR, even if you try to make it difficult for him.

Besides which, you’re unlikely to die, your will won’t determine arrangements for your DD after your death, you have misunderstood arrangements for EU citizens in the U.K. post Brexit and your concerns about him are relatively trivial.

Your biggest problem is that you’ve made a baby with someone you don’t like much and then convinced yourself that you can relegate him to a kind of semi fatherhood.

Get some proper family law advice. Then make realistic plans.

Maybe counselling would be a good idea too; It would be much better if you could accept this baby is his as much as it is yours.

A final thought; Home ownership isn’t the be all and all of good parenting, but since you’re concerned about the possibility of your death and your DD’s security; Presumably you own a house and have life insurance that would clear the mortgage and presumably your DD would be your sole heir, so SHE would have a house to live in with whoever her legal guardian was, if it came to that.

Wow. He is the child's father, he is just as much its parent as you are. If he is such a bad guy, why did you have a baby with him? Anyway, you can try to leave him off the birth cert, but if he wants to be on it you can't stop him.

Please do not put him on the birth certicate, if hes behaving like this now and already says hes going to disrespect your wishes, it will be far worse once he has half "control" over the one person you love more than anything --- do not put him on the birth certificate

My dad wasnt on my birth certicate - father is blank - & i grew up with my step dads last name -- my real dad went to court to be able to see me, won, and saw me every weekend --- being on my birth certicate didnt stop him being my dad

I put my ex on my childrens birth certiciate and it was the worst decision ive ever made. 8 years later and escaping dv, even with a court order staring hes to have no contact if he really really wants to and goes about it the right ways hell still be able to see mt children because i was stupid enough to let what everyone says is the "right thing" to do

Another one thinking you should put him on the bc, but otherwise you facilitate the father-daughter relationship.

I found your reasons very petty, but the main thing that this is someone you hardly know.

I did know my dd's father and for that reason left him off her bc, but otherwise accepted and gave him rights as a father. I only needed to have the power to cut off the relationship if I felt that he was toxic for her. A friend's dd also found it necessary to the same with her baby's father and as he turned out to be violent, it was a really good thing.

AltheaorDonna

What a ridiculous statement. Yes she can stop him being on the birth certificate by simply stating she doesnt want him on it, no one will force her. Ridiculous statement

Yanbu. I would do the same. I would echo PPs - get legal advice.

Are you still dating him?

Gotthisfar. If he is the father and wants to parental responsibility and to be on the birth certificate he can take her to court and get a DNA test. As the child's father he does have rights. So, not ridiculous at all!

Duh Another one thinking you should put him on the bc should say Another one thinking you should NOT put him on the bc

"If he is the father and wants to parental responsibility and to be on the birth certificate he can take her to court and get a DNA test. As the child's father he does have rights. So, not ridiculous at all!"

However, it is a lot of expense and trouble, very few bother.

Lots do bother though, so it was hardly a ridiculous statement.
Why should he be denied his parental rights, just because the OP has decded she doesn't like him enough? He is a parent, just like she is.

I think it would be cruel to both him and your daughter to leave him off her bc and deny her a father. He wants to be involved and he has just as much right to be her parent as you do. She will not thank you for cutting out her father when she grows up.

I completely agree with Inertia from a few pages back. I’d not add him or give him too much information at the moment because he seems to want to go and do the exact opposite for what you want. Forget the foreign bit for a second; he’s just not got your wishes in his brain

You barely know this man! Seriously, he sounds controlling & Neanderthal. Why would you want him in your child's life, let alone yours?
I would be preparing to take flight tbh.....
Absolutely no way on birth certificate to be clear.

The op doesn't have any intention of "denying" the baby a father, she's said he will have contact. All it is, is not automatically giving him PR by naming him on the birth certificate.

You hardly know him. I wouldn't give PR to a stranger. You can add him later if necessary.

If you are genuinely worried he may take your daughter abroad then no. I wouldn't put him on the BC. Do you think he really will stick around once she's born? Sounds like he hasn't been that supportive so far! And why does he do the opposite of what you want when you ask? He sounds like an arsehole. I mean, sure, facilitate contact but I wouldn't hold my breath expecting him to stick around. Mumsnet seems to view growing up without a biological father as some kind of tragic and traumatic event; as someone who has been through it, I can assure you it's fine!

As they are not married, he can't be added to the BC anyway unless he is present for the registration. He could pursue it in court, which would be his decision, but the OP is not obliged to have him present to register the birth.

A point about citizenship and leave to remain. I don't know much about British law but in my country of residence having a child who is a citizen and with who you are actively involved is (quite rightly) an almost absolute bar to being removed from the country.

I'd be astonished if being an active father to a British child did not also weigh heavily in any immigration decisions taken in Britain.

Just woken up to a raft of new responses, again thank you all for your time. I can't reply to everyone individually but since the same things keep coming up...

no we're not still together. Our relationship was very brief - see original post where I say it was approx 6 weeks last summer

she wasn't planned. She's a happy accident. Being a single mum was hardly in my life plan at this point (or any) so the suggestion I that my plan all along was to use him as a sperm donor then alienate him is incorrect and frankly insulting.

saying that ^ there was no question of a termination. So I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. I'm 36 - i might not be able to have a child in future due to being single at my age. This is a decision I take full responsibility for.

We've kept contact as I feel it's a good thing for seperated parents to have a good relationship. My parents didn't and it was awful hearing them snipe at and about each other. Perhaps our personal relationship is something I need to reassess ...

no his parents and extended family do not live in the UK. Hence deepening the worry...

I've said a couple of times now I don't wish to deny him a relationship with his daughter. My initial comment about cutting him off meant not giving him parental responsibility and therefore not giving him the power to do what he wants regardless of what I, the primary carer and the one who will be taking 90% of the financial emotional and other types of responsibilities, believes is best. It's going to be a long time before she sleeps over but I've always said regular and quality contact is important to both of them.

no I don't know him that well. I thought I did but it turns out I don't. Sadly you never really know someone and I believed he was someone else (see above... only known him a short time). This whole situation makes me very sad.

're legal advice and wills... those of you who have given me solid advice here thank you. No I wasn't aware it's not watertight - but since I've never had a child before, nor created a will and it's so recent that his behaviour has alarmed me I haven't yet had a chance to consult someone - it's not something you know instinctively.. it is very clear i need to get on the phone though asap

finally his being from a different country or culture is kind of neither here nor there in a way. The real issue is that he has blatantly and bluntly stated he will attempt to override my wishes regardless of their magnitude. I.e. he will do the opposite whether it's something small but very important like refusing to phone my best friend when DD is born (I've known her most of my life - she's my sister and she deserves better than a text) to the huge and important issue of what happens to DD if the worst happens to me. I'd be an absolute idiot not to think about her future. Yes I have life insurance and she inherits my house which I own but she can't live here alone until she's old enough so the question of guardianship still remains.

There's a lot going on here. I truly appreciate your thoughts and help. It's good to have the different perspectives and opinions (even if some of you are a little harsh - I don't know your story and I'm sorry if situation has brought up difficult feelings for you 😘)

Hope you all have a lovely day.

I left my then dp off the birth certificate, he fought it for a bit then never bothered

Not putting him on the BC doesn't suddenly erase him. He could still pursue this through the courts.

You call him irresponsible but frankly you both were if you fell pregnant after a relationship of just a few weeks. That is what it is but should it mean you deny your daughter the truth?