To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

[klf1307]

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

Don't put him on bc, don't make a fuss about it and antagonise him, you can add him later if he steps up. You are protecting your child and not depriving her of anything. All those saying that it is better for her to have her dad have never lived with abuse. Sometimes it's not better, sad but true. It is the mothers choice for a reason.

How is he irresponsible if you fell pregnant within six weeks?

You both sound like idiots TBH and not putting him on the BC won't make him 'disappear' plus he can and should pursue this legally.

You sound switched on, and yes there is an awful lot going on. I don’t envy your situation at all.
The hard fact is you’re going to be long term involved with this chap. From what we see he isn’t interested in what your wants/wishes are, isn’t in a stable life position, can be obstreperous and (from your above post) is certainly one to watch has he (surprise surprise) now seems not be as nice as he first appeared.

In your shoes I’d be very alarmed and taking precautionary measures which most certainly would include leaving him off the birth cert.

I don't know about the legalities of the BC tbh. But I would very strongly urge you not to give the child his surname.

I have a differential surname to my children and it's horrible. One of the biggest regrets of my life. (And I was married.)
If he's from a staunchly traditional family he may strongly object to this, but it's worth persevering with. Maybe give his surname as a middle name?

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate but you need to be aware he can pursue PR anyway through the courts and it would be granted.
Likewise in the event of your death his wishing to care for her would over ride your wishes, pretty much nothing would prevent him being given the right to raise her unless he is a criminal or addict etc.

Hi OP. Thanks for the update. I won't go into the details here, but with the benefit of experience I can understand where you are coming from pretty well. My story isn't your story and hopefully your's will turn out better.

I would not put him on the BC and I would give your DC your last name. I would write that Will, and the solicitor can help you write a letter of wishes to accompany it and giving more details of your reasons. I would encourage close and regular contact between your DC and your brother and his wife from very early on. I would do all these things discreetly without mentioning it further to your exBF. Yes he can apply for these things to be overturned by a court, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do them now. I would also distance yourself from him about his coming round to your home and about the birth. You say you have a good support network, so use it in future. Concentrate on you and your baby as a family unit.

At the same time, after the baby is born, s/he has a right to know the father and so I also agree that you should do what is reasonable and safe around contact and maintaining a polite relationship with him. I wonder what he intends to contribute to care and costs of the DC? Let's hope that your exBF steps up to the plate and in future years, (not weeks or months), you feel happy to put him on the BC.

I understand that you feel unsupported, undermined, not respected, and you fear that you and your DC will be very vulnerable in future. You are not being petty, spiteful or anti foreigner thank goodness. All the best for the birth OP, and for the future with your unexpected but wanted DC.

Jesus, not putting him on the BC would be called abusive o here if the roles were reversed. It might be legal, but it's morally reprehensible.

I hope you're not expecting maintenance or any kind of support from this man then? Post-Brexit, I don't imagine the CSA will be bothered chasing him back to Poland etc anyway.

Awful behaviour.

This is the kind of thread MRAs would have a field day with. He’s her father; he should be on the birth certificate. Rather than putting the burden of cost on him, you should speak to a solicitor about a child arrangement order or prohibited steps order which would prevent him from taking her out of the country.

I don't know where to start with this. @Random sums it up.

Make up your mind if you want him in your DDs life. But start being sensible.

'he will do the opposite whether it's something small but very important like refusing to phone my best friend when DD is born' You knew him for 6 weeks why are you getting upset about this - he's not your partner and doesn't have to do as you say.

Your 'happy accident' is going to cause issues for the rest of your life.

If she ends up having overnights with him and requires medical treatment and he doesn’t have PR you are putting potential obstacles in the way of her receiving it.

As a soon to be mum without a partner - I would ask for legal advice re: enduring power of attorney in case anything mentally incapacitating happens to you, putting your property in trust for your dd, likewise her inheritance, trustees, will, godparents and guardianship. This will build a strong familial tie to the UK should the very worst ever happen (and I sincerely hope it doesn't).

Also worth noting that if you do get to the point of having to go to court to formalise contact arrangements and he doesn’t have PR, the court has the power to give it to him if he is granted contact.

The most basic thing a mother can do for her child is to publicly name their father. I think that unless the mother fears significant harm to her wellbeing from the father that cannot be reduced, she is doing her child a disservice by not naming their father publicly.

The real issue is that he has blatantly and bluntly stated he will attempt to override my wishes regardless of their magnitude - this is the thing that shouts out at me that he is not going to be good father or co-parenting material. Your wishes may not be important to him but just automatically doing the opposite because he can is not helping him to prove that he can be a responsible and able person in your child's life.

Personally I think I'd keep him at arms length. Leave him off BC, get legal advice regarding guardianship and get a will drawn up, but don't tell him all of this. Just quietly get on and do it.

He's not going to be with you in labour so why is he tasked with making phone calls to the important people in your life. Do it yourself when you can, and at the same time as you tell him too. I don't think I'd tell him when you go into labour, just tell him after she's born.

1.. Probably you wont die too soon. However if you did, what you say regarding your child's future in your will can be over-ridden by SS or family court, AFAIK. Child is not property.

1. He might be 'talking the talk' now about court etc but when it comes down to it, and for paying for it, he will probably lose enthusiasm.

1. very few 'Eastern European' men would expect to be a birth partner, in fairness to him. Nor would they expect to come around and clean your house , without even being asked.

1. he can only be on the birth cert if he goes with you to the registry office. You can easily ensure this doesn't happen , if you wish. However you do have a good few weeks after the birth to register your child, so you don't need to make any hasty decisions right now.

take care xx

Ppl talk such nonsense about getting urgent medical care. Mum was away, dad at work so I took my stepchild to gp and a&e for stitches without pr. as would any responsible friend, neighbour, babysitter or family member, even school in emergency. medical staff have duty of care and do what is needed.
You might not want non pr parent or others to organise non urgent care which may contradict your wishes, or advice, medication already given.

So you've used him as a sperm donor?

Incredibly cruel and controlling to not put him on the birth cert.
essentially using his lower economic and social status as a barrier to his rights as he may not be able to afford to pursue them through the courts or be fully aware of them as an immigrant in your country.

Imagine being aghast that someone might not honour your decree that should you pass away their child would be raised by someone else, and then that being used as a stock to beat you with and as a justification for the aforesaid barrier to your rights.

“Be good little boy, do exactly as I say and only care about your child as much as I say is reasonable and then fuck off when I say it’s time to fuck off”

Quite frankly I find your attitude disgusting

It has been the case historically that mother could ask father to be on birth certificate and get pr. he admits paternity.
around 30 years ago this changed to only if mother gave permission and caused problems for some families so was changed back.
Married father is automatically assumed to be legal father, but someone you hardly know has to be tested before having such responsibility.
The law is quite sensible in this instance and provides protection. Father can apply for pr, or mother can give if appropriate.
Once you have pr it can only be taken away by adoption (not even being in care removes it, or having a step parent)
Not a decision to be taken lightly, many have regretted giving father (and csa) a say in their life. The child can still know her father.

• ““Be good little boy, do exactly as I say and only care about your child as much as I say is reasonable and then fuck off when I say it’s time to fuck off,...” Should have included

“And then I might think about allowing you the most basic of rights with regards your child, but only if I think you’ve been suitably subservient”

It sounds a hard situation but he is her father as much as you are her mother. Why do you get to make all the decisions? There’s a lot of strange attitudes here considering the strive for equality of parental roles there usually is.

You can just decide who should bring her up if you died. Why should her father not be able to bring her up? You have no right to decide that. And legally you can’t anyway

THings like not wanting to ring your best friend is entirely irrelevant. Why would he do that anyway?

Wow. He’s her father. If you didn’t want him on the BC then don’t have a baby with him. Some of these posts.. this site is so hypocritical it’s ridiculous. He’s got every right to be on that document.

Don't put him on it. He'll have parental rights and could flee with her if that's what you're concerned about.

As a whole, he sounds unpredictable as a stable parent and very "traditional" (in my experience means chauvinistic). By all means, I could be wrong - I don't know the man and his family.
But I'd agree with everybody else that says leave him off. It means he has no immediate legal parental rights however, this doesn't stop him from having the opportunity to be a father to your child day to day.
Def. don't even discus any legal parental stuff with him if he's going to be difficult about it and definitely seek more advice when it comes to preventing him taking her out of the country and guardians etc.
good luck to you !:)

'But yes as her mother I could make that decision and it's not "because he's foreign" it's because I believe my brother is best placed to take care of her for the reasons mentioned above'

Doesn't quite work that way.
I have a friend in this situation. A friend who's partner openly admitted after they split that he had the baby to increase his chances of staying in the UK on leave to remain.

He's been to court, he has got PR and he has got every other weekend access visits of the little girl even though he is according to the court them self a flight risk and had supervised contact initially.

He has PR and unless social services access him to be a risk to his child he will get her over your brother as he has PR. Unless your child is enough to say otherwise and be considered as old enough.

My dc has been brought up entirely by me with little contact from Dad and none for over ten years and have a very close relationship with my parents and I was told by a solicitor Dad would still get them.
It's only as they have become teens that I have been able to relax.

DO give your child your surname though. It will make life at border control much easier believe me.