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Original poster

To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

282 replies

klf1307 · 26/03/2018 20:45

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 27/03/2018 09:46

If he is good enough to be the father then he is good enough to be on the BC. Anyway, I'm sure he could get the child out of the country (illegally) if he wanted to.

UrgentScurryfunge · 27/03/2018 09:53

Don't put him on the BC and give baby your surname.

The most important thing a baby/ child needs is love and stability. Who provides that is less important.

Having no father on my birth certificate has had no bearing on anything in my life even though I grew up in circles of married 2.4 children set-ups.

If he is prepared to prove himself as a father and get parental rights through legal routes rather than the easy way through the BC, then he can go down that route.

OP does not know him well and the evidence so far is that he will not be a co-operative and stable co-parent. He may well lose interest a few months down the line. OP is facing the majority of the grunt work of parenting so why make it as easy as possible for him to be potentially obstructive.

DullAndOld · 27/03/2018 09:55

" If he is good enough to be the father then he is good enough to be on the BC.'

yeh right.

orangesmartieseggs · 27/03/2018 09:56

Don't put him on it. He'll have parental rights and could flee with her if that's what you're concerned about.

He can go and get parental rights anyway. Thankfully in the UK, one parent doesn't get to legally erase the other from their children's lives. He can go to court and get a DNA test, and get PR that way. The mother doesn't get to say "I don't want him to have parental rights" and that's it!

stateschool · 27/03/2018 09:57

The BC situ is almost irrelevant. I would probably be tempted not to get him to come along either but you should probably let him know where and when you register and see if he comes.
His IS her father however, regardless of the piece of paper and he WILL be given PR if he wants it AND if something happens to you he WILL get custody of your child regardless of your wishes unless there are exceptional circumstances ( Violence, crime etc.) which mean he's not considered fit to be a parent.

I think you should focus on what you can control now - if he's not at birth then he doesn't need to know your birth plan and if he isn't intending to follow your wishes around the birth I'd keep him well away from it. He can see your DD a few days later when you're home and settled. Get a someone you trust as a birthing/hospital partner, make sure they know what you want and can convey this to the staff if you can't. When he visits can you have another friend/someone there? You'll feel tired and vunerable after the birth,

Get him OUT of your house. You aren't in a romantic relationship with him, you don't need him in your house making a mess, not helping.

Discuss his role with child, when he can see her etc. Where he will see her when she's born.Is he a flight risk with your child? You need to think about this. Will he be under pressure to bring her home to see his family?

You need to be almost professional about this - balancing your child seeing her father with being involved with a man you barely k

Alison100199 · 27/03/2018 09:58

He is the father and was obviously suitable for you to sleep with after 3 weeks and 'fall' pregnant (did you use contraception?). I think it would be mean and spiteful not to name him on the BC. You are both adults and need to take joint responsibility for choosing to bring a child into the world. I can't believe posters are casually saying leave off the father as though they are just sperm donors. It sounds like you have concerns about him being 'foreign' which has a nasty taste to it.

stateschool · 27/03/2018 09:59

Oh and the baby needs to have YOUR surname NOT his regardless of what he or his family wants. You will always be in your child's life, he may not and trust me it's harder having a different surname from your child. You'll be asked every time you leave the country with her where her 'father' is and if he knows you're travelling with the child. It's a pain trying to prove that you are your own child's parent!

Viviennemary · 27/03/2018 10:02

I absolutely wouldn't put him on the birth certificate because once done it can't be undone AFAIK. He is already showing awkward traits and trying to lay down the law. Don't even considerate it. That would be my advice.

TheOriginalEmu · 27/03/2018 10:05

this idea that people have that by leaving him off the birth certificate somehow erases his existence, or his parental rights is bonkers. as is the idea that simply by being the female parent you have more rights than him.

bonkers.

VileyRose · 27/03/2018 10:07

He can just take it to court which is more stress. They will get DNA testing and put him on. It's uproar for no reason.

Quickerthanavicar · 27/03/2018 10:08

Can't believe some of the responses on here.

louise5754 · 27/03/2018 10:11

Hi op. Will he kick off when he finds out you have registered your daughter without him? Will he realise he will not have been put on the BC if he didn't go with you?

If he's not on the BC can you still receive maintenance from him?

Quickerthanavicar · 27/03/2018 10:14

louise5754 oh it's ok for him to pay towards the child's upbringing but not be named on BC, WOW! JUST, WOW!

ALittleAubergine · 27/03/2018 10:17

People and especially op need to realise that the bc and will are pretty much just non issues, the father can apply for pro which would of course override them.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2018 10:17

I doubt he'd take this to court. He has 'alarming traits'. If that;s not a huge red flag I don't know what is. You'd be better off not bothering with maintenance if you can support yourself. He sounds a perfect nightmare.

louise5754 · 27/03/2018 10:22

@Quickerthanavicar that was my first post. I haven't said anything about not putting him on the BC.

orangesmartieseggs · 27/03/2018 10:26

I doubt he'd take this to court.

Maybe not, but OP needs to know that she can't just decide he doesn't get PR. If he goes to court and asks to be put on the birth certificate, there's absolutely no reason why a judge wouldn't grant that request.

Mothers do not have more rights than fathers, although threads like this would have you think otherwise!

VileyRose · 27/03/2018 10:58

Agree with above. I can't stand my ex but it's the kids right to have a relationship with him.

WannaBeWonderWoman · 27/03/2018 10:59

You sound like a Princess. Why in earth should your ex shag, who probably doesn't even know your best friend as you were only 'together' for 6 weeks, have to call her after you've given birth? Is there any reason why you think you won't be able to call her yourself? Are you expecting to be unconscious for days afterwards? I think its generous of him that he's agreed to contact her via Facebook!

Why on earth should he 'support' you in deciding that his child should be brought up by someone else because you don't think he's good enough to bring her up?

MadnessConfused. As for coming over and doing your housework, well most married men who live with a pregnant partner don't either. If he makes a mess in your home, don't let him come over, meet elsewhere.

Women like you create lasting damage to their children in terms of their relationships with their father. You decided to lay with him with no protection, at the age of 36 I'm sure you were aware how babies are made, now he's not good enough to be named as the father of the product of that? Were you not aware of his living conditions, job prospects or immigration status before you had unprotected sex with him?

IMO the only reason the father should be left off a birth certificate is if he is 'unknown'. You know who your child's father is. The taking her abroad later on is a red herring. He hasn't even fathered the child yet, you don't know how he'll be when the child is here and real to him. The real issue is just that you don't want to tied to this man. Too late for that!

Mightymucks · 27/03/2018 11:04

This thread is fucking horrendous. No wonder Mumsnet has such a bad reputation. If someone isn’t good enough to be the father of your child then don’t get pregnant by them. And not having sex is the most effective form of contraception.

WannaBeWonderWoman · 27/03/2018 11:12

And I'm sorry but you will be a massive bitch, if you refuse to let him come with you to register the birth and make him go to court spending needless time and money (and probably very difficult to negotiate for someone from another country). Unless of course he didn't want anything to do with you or the baby, or had been violent but you stated he had been 'wonderful' until recently. I imagine the knowledge that you planned to sign his kid away to someone else put his nose out of joint slightly!

formerbabe · 27/03/2018 11:12

IMO the only reason the father should be left off a birth certificate is if he is 'unknown'

You do realise that if you're unmarried, you cannot put the father's name on the birth certificate unless he comes with you. So it's not the only reason for keeping a father's name off. Or what if the father is abusive?

Original poster
klf1307 · 27/03/2018 11:27

To those questioning how I became pregnant (not that I wish to share the intimate details of my sex life with you but if I don't you will just keep on)... the pill failed (happens in 1 out of 100 and I'm the lucky 100th). Should I have aborted her??? I don't think so.

I CAN support myself and her and shall be doing so, I've asked NOTHING from him financially. Stop calling me a bitch when you haven't recognised the love to my daughter in my posts.

As for me having a problem with his heritage ... NO... I have a problem with our wonderful UK government potentially telling him to leave the country and IF something happens to me our UK courts granting him the permission to take a British child away from everything she's ever known into a forgein country. There is no trap here, no "sperm donor " no "I liked him enough for him to impregnate me" no telling me he can't be a dad.

There is simply a desire to make sure I do the best for a child who cannot make her own decisions.

So if you want to judge me go ahead... but make sure your house is in perfect order first.

And if you have a problem with your OH not pulling his weight, look to that. Don't take it our on me

OP posts:
Original poster
klf1307 · 27/03/2018 11:30

And I asked him for support contacting my family as my birth partner will be with me, my other friend will be taking care of my animals, he's going to be pacing the corridors and contacting his family. I thought he might like to share the happy news himself with my family and friends who can't be there. If he doesn't. Again. Fine. His choice. If he does then he can show them the respect he'll show his own by calling them also.

OP posts:
orangesmartieseggs · 27/03/2018 11:32

I have a problem with our wonderful UK government potentially telling him to leave the country and IF something happens to me our UK courts granting him the permission to take a British child away from everything she's ever known into a forgein country.

Your refusal to put him on the birth certificate doesn't mean he has no rights. He can apply to the courts to get PR and he will get it. You can't take his parental responsibility away from him by not putting his name on her birth certificate.

And no matter what your will says, if you pass away, he can petition the courts for custody of his child, and unless there's proof that he is unsuitable (addict, abuse etc) he will get it. Courts won't give the child to an aunt/uncle when her father is alive and willing/able to care for her.