To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

[klf1307]

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

My god some women fall over themselves to give men all the rights of parenthood, yet have nothing to say when it comes to responsibilities. When men actually start taking on 50% of the care and cost involved in raising a child from a "broken" relationship, I might care more about their rights. Frankly, it's 9 out of 10 times, women who get screwed over, so I don't think OP is doing anything wrong in protecting herself and her child. If he cares that much OP, he can go to court to have his name put on the BC, but why hand over so much power to a man you barely know, when it's you who is going to be doing most of the care?

You clearly say you want him to be an involved parent several times, the handmaidens ignore that because it suits their arguement to.

My god some women fall over themselves to give men all the rights of parenthood

We're more about the rights of the child to both their parents actually. The sensible ones.

100% leave him off. My friend was in a similar situation, he wasn't foreign, but STR, didn't respect her wishes, flakey af etc. She left her DD's Dad off the BC, and is still open to putting him on at a later date. Though she's 18m now and he hasn't paid CSA for 9 weeks and hasn't shown up to see her for the past 5 weekends soooo...

There is a big difference between having automatic parental responsibility and being granted it by being named on a birth certificate or court order.

A clue is one is automatic the other isn’t.

There is also nothing negative inferred in courts because a unmarried father has not been named, nobody cares.

He has no rights to exercise any parental responsibility until such time as a court grants him that right or both parties consent to him being named on the BC.

It really is that simple, and no a court won’t always just order a DNA that happens if one party disputes biological parentage when no biology dispute occurs then both parties get to have their case for or against heard and the court makes a decision in the best interest of the child, granted often this will be to grant PR but not always. And sometimes it can not be granted for reasons that nobody would think could prevent it, doesn’t always have to be serious abuse.

Not granting PR to a unmarried father is quite different to removeing it.

There are also perfectly moral and legal ways to hand the person you wish to bring up a child in the event of your death a better case for doing so because again that’s something that’s decided on the basis of being in the best interests of the child. You can’t guarentee it as with most things but it’s not as worthy of instant dismissal unless your ex takes up a child abuse habit as some posters imply

To the last few posters... Thank you very much for your measured and compassionate responses. I know what to do now, after sleeping on this issue. I understand now that being left off the BC does not mean he can't be a dad to her. If / when he's granted citizenship I'll feel much more reassured about the future and about his commitment to the UK then the whole situation can be reassessed. I'm sure I'll get more hate for this decision which feels like the right one for DD and I and which leaves the door open and gives us (me and her) more options in the future and that's ok.

Some very good points are raised about needing dual signatures for things and him being potentially unreachable and actually after some research today it seems it's easier to get her a passport with one British parent than with one British and one non British parent. She will be able to travel with me to visit extended family abroad as appropriate... thinking out loud here... also if I want to I can get her dual nationality as I'm half Irish. That she has the same rights for living and working easily in the EU has been a big motivator for me...

As for the amount of time we've spent together I've had a long think about my reasons and frankly I don't have a good reason. It's as if we're acting like were still dating but without the ahem benefits. As someone said I'm better off nurturing my support system and other relationships and managing this one as co parents not trying to be his friend. So I'll be doing that. X

@fourpillars that was entirely unnecessary and unhelpful.

If you feel he is controlling and disrespectful and if you are worried then leave him off the birth certificate.

Yes, it was possibly unhelpful but it’s also true.
I commend you for thinking of your baby and the consequences your 6-week relationship will have on her, but stop trying to use her as an excuse to treat someone, who is her dad after all, without respect.

Let him prove what kind of dad he will be, before assuming he will not do the right thing for your daughter. You’ve already said you don’t really know him.

The other thing that’s worth being mindful of is should he elect to not go to court to obtain PR during your lifetime and you do croak it, if your will specifies a named guardian and doesn’t say anything stupid like “in the absence of her biological father” (that line is stupid because it would mean your will hands him PR) then the legal situation you are left with would be the person you name obtaining PR on your death and no other party holding PR.

Which means that unless grounds for an EPO exist the child cannot be removed from their care without a court order or their consent f they don’t consent then off to court any other party has to go.

Which of course places them in the situation of having a judge decide, again based on the child’s best interests which may or may not be to remain with the named person dependant on situation.

How kind of you to bestow on him the great honour of ringing your best friend
I'd assume you'd just call her yourself if you are that close?

Really seems you chose pregnancy with a near stranger thinking that it would be clear cut and he'd have no real rights being foreign and all. Now, it doesn't look at all that way so you need to rethink a little. No biggie. You've been told you don't need to put him on the BC so just go with that.
There are plenty of other ways, I'm sure, to ensure that your childs father is never ever entitled to remove her from your super tight grip, whether you are around or not. Ethical or not.

Do find it super hypercritical that you waffle on about him not showing you respect when you show zero yourself. Pregnancy really doesn't make you the superior being you seem to believe yourself to be

Meh meanwhile out in the real world women and children in large numbers are living with the consiquences of naming an unmarried father on the birth certificate despite having concerns because of some bizzare notion that it’s respectful to do so and disrespectful for someone you exchanged spunk with to have to go to court in order for a unconnected none emotional person to decide having assessed the concerns

I'm glad you have decided to keep him off the birth certificate for now, OP. As I say, my reason is that he is still a relative unknown and you need to be able to keep your child safe if he turns out to be a toxic parent.

I agree with Coyoacan. The most important thing is to protect yourself and your baby

The OP has said that the pregnancy wasn’t planned, so it wasn’t an active choice to become pregnant by a man with particular status. Continuing an accidental pregnancy once it’s underway is really not the same as deliberately seeking pregnancy with a stranger.

Poor child.

I hope you make sure your DD knows who her Dad is seeing as she won't know from looking at her birth certificate.

You seem intent on seeing him off and from your attitude, I doubt that you will facilitate a relationship between them despite what you have stated here.

If men want automatic pr they should get married first and have kids after. Once the child is about 12 her wishes will be important, and even before that will be listened to.
Needs a sock says it all about leaving a valid will, get advice. The dad can still apply. Who knows if he is a good dad she may change the will.
The needs an best interest of the child are paramount.

@inertia thanks! You really are a voice of reason in all this x

To all those going on about how the pregnancy came about I've already said several times it was a happy accident. I didn't think I'd ever have a child (something I've dreamed of my whole life) so when I fell pregnant I was hardly going to abort her was I???

And for goodness sake the point about my extreme behaviour in mentioning to him that I'd like him to be involved with DD by sharing the news of the birth being the worst thing that's ever happened has been hammered home enough times!!! Can we drop it now???

If you don't have something valuable to add to don't say anything at all. And before you decide to have a go... ask yourself if what you're about to say is something you'd say to your best friend or your sister and if it's not keep your nastiness to yourself.

To everyone else who have been super supportive a million thank you's. I'm sorry you've had your messages swamped by people less kind than you xx

I'd want my dad's name on birth certificate. I wouldn't tell the dad about the will. Don't worry too much.

To not put your child's fathers name on the birth certificate is disgusting behaviour. It will impact on your child and it is selfish.
I sympathise but honestly if you die she should be with her dad even in another country. She is not your property she is a human and ( assuming normal functional relatinships) she would only wanr her dad if her mum died.

This is why fathers for justice exist, because women think they have the right to make massive decisions like this because of their own personal preference. Your child does get to see the birth certificate you know.

Fruit,

They don’t think they have the right, they actually do have the right.in exactly that same way that a unmarried father has the right to approach a court in order for his name to be added.

There are a great many situations where on the death of one parent the other is not the best place for them to be and a lot where it’s not even close to being acceptable.

I’m not sure why you feel seeing a birth certificate without a named father on it would be so traumatic as to be considered as being disgusting parental conduct but I suspect you need to get out a bit more.

Sorry but I think it’s selfish, if the dad is known then the birth certificate should show this. Why lie about facts? If dna tests are ordered then the “potential father” will pay but if positive will be refunded by everyone’s taxes. Regardless of the money though why be dishonest, give him a chance to be a dad :(

The father's name not being on the birth certificate isn't lying about the facts! The child can be told who it's father is, and also grow up knowing him, if he is willing and able to a good and consistent father in the child's life.
The fact of the matter in this situation is that there are indications that the prospective father is rather difficult, is not settled and may even not remain living in the same country. These factors do not bode particularly well in terms of providing long term consistent parenting and the op is right to have serious reservations about the future.
The op wants her daughter to have contact with the father ideally, but is right to protect her and babie's best interests by not putting his name on the birth cert until he can prove himself as a father.
She can always give him PR in the future if he steps up to the mark and proves to be a reasonable parent. Alternatively he can apply to the court for it.
For the child, the issue isn't really about the father's name is on the birh cert or not. The main issue is whether she will have a loving and responsible father who is there for her to depend upon throughout her childhood. Only time will tell, and he alone is responsible for whether he is a good father or not in the future.
FWIW my daughter's father is not named on her birth cert (his choice at the time). She's 18 now and it's never been an issue for her at all- there's no shame in it, and it is what it is. She knows who her father was, the circumstances, and has contact with members of his family. She's happy, positive and doing great at university.

My dd's father isn't named on her birth cert and she has a great relationship with him now she is an adult. He was not a brilliant father to her as a child. She could have gone back and got his name put on her birth cert once she turned 18, but hasn't bothered.

If I had put his name on the certificate, I could have lost my daughter. We do not live in the UK and at one point I was turned down for a renewal of my visa and was given ten days to leave the country. He would never have given me permission to take her.

I'm on another thread where a lady is battling her husband and MIL who were gaslighting her and have tried to take her baby from her.