To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

[marthiemoo]

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

Instead of dropping hints, the next time they use the incorrect name just say 'actually aunt, I didn't change my name when I got married so I'm still marthiemoo'

Stop being tactful and be direct (this is not the same as being impolite). Say 'please use marthiemoo as I did not change my name'.

Up until now, they've potentially just been using the loopholes you've given them by not saying clearly that this is what you want.

I know it's etiquette and all but you didn't change your first name to Brian* either

*insert first name of husband here

This old chestnut come up time and time again.

I will use Emily Thornberry as an example. Yes she chooses to remain Emily Thornberry in her professional capacity, however etiquette dictates she will tke on her DHs titles, so she will be titled Mrs Christopher Nugee, or actually Lady Nugee, whether she likes it or not in official circles.

Frankly, I couldnt be arsed with writing christmas cards and invitations to Christopher Nugee and Ms Emily Thornberry when Sir C & Mrs Nugee is quicker and less faff on an envelope.

If you really cant let it wash over your head have you tried challenging this outright? as in "Aunt Mary, why do you keep calling me Chris Nugee when I'm Emily Thornberry?"

I wouldnt pay any heed to the FB name thing - most women (IMHO) use their maiden name on FB so old school mates can locate them. Either that or they have a whole string of names of the following variety : Emily Thornberry Nugee or Emily Nugee was Thornberry etc

To be honest I'd find something more serious to worry about.

Yeah, you need to drop the tact. Just tell them.

To be honest I'd find something more serious to worry about.

Yah, like worrying about how people might be starting threads on things you don't think they should bother with, right?

You feel so hurt and under attack that you haven't bothered to mention it?

Return to sender - no one of this name lives here?

Baffled.

Just actually say to them, outright?

If you find the answer, please can you let me know.

Some of Dh's family insist on addressing me by his surname when we have made it very clear I kept my previous surname. We even wrote a note in our wedding invitations to that effect. But here we are, several years on and yes, I too am very hurt by it. It does feel as tough I don't matter as a person, and neither do my wishes and decisions.

I hear you OP.

see this is why I changed my name - the social pressure was overwhelming (I got married very young, a long time ago)

literally no one on his side would acknowledge that I was my own name, no one on my side would - my workplace had changed everything when I got back without me knowing.

I hope you have a stronger backbone than I did

Either just tell them or let it go. I can't think that even 10 times the annoyance this issue requires would cause me to write a quarter of your OP

Do they do the same to your mum and sisters? If not, they are picking on you, which is a bigger issue.

I'd be tempted to start spelling the aunt's name incorrectly...

I told mine. They threw that horseshite about etiquette at me - how can it be correct etiquette to use a name that is not yours? Then the 'it's your father's name anyway' - well yes but how does that make it less mine? Or his father's more relevant?

My name is my name. I am not going to accept being addressed by someone else's because of some old rule made up generations ago.

And yes some if us care. My apologies to those of you with so many more important concerns, good thing you are there to take care of things.

And HollyBayTree etiquette dictates that someone should be called by their chosen name, and nothing else!

You've also assumed that a woman only keeps her previous name for professional purposes, rather than just not changing it at all. I'm sorry you find writing two names out is such a trial for you! (How do you address gay couples?)

They're your aunts, just tell them ouright and stop dropping hints!

If they persist after you've told them, just try to live with it.

Tell them if they send something signed-for you can't sign for it as they've used a different name to yours.

Send everything back with Return to sender, not known at this address on it - only half joking, I know how infuriating it is.

It's not even etiquette auntbrian.

Personally, I couldn’t care less. It has served its purpose getting mail from one place to another, what’s IN the envelope is FAR more important.

Be blunt with them. Tell them directly that you did not change your name on marriage. If you just drop hints they will ignore them or be deliberately obtuse about it. You have to leave no room for any doubt and be crystal clear.

Tell them the name you want to be known by, even though they already know it. Say that you expect people to use this name, including them.

Let one or two cards be ‘returned to sender’. When they mention it, reply with concerned frowny face ‘are you sure it was correctly addressed?’.

Sorted.

Frankly, I couldnt be arsed with writing christmas cards and invitations to Christopher Nugee and Ms Emily Thornberry when Sir C & Mrs Nugee is quicker and less faff on an envelope.

You 'couldn't be arsed' calling people by the right name? How incredibly rude. By that logic why not just call him 'Sir Nug' - it would be quicker, right? 'Chris & Em' would also be quicker. My first name is quite long - should people shorten it so they 'don't have to be arsed' with it? Or is it just my surname, which happens not to be the same as my husband's, where it's fine to just ignore what my actual name is?

One of my aunts does this. She can never remember DH's surname either (tricky foreign name) so I used to make general hilarity from the situation when she tried to introduce me. She'd say, 'this is my niece, Black I can't remember your surname', and I'd say 'NoSugar, the same as it's always been'. I've been married a long time, but I don't see her all that often, however I did notice that a few years ago she introduced me as 'Black, my sister's daughter' with no surname mentioned at all.

For cards and things, I probably wouldn't give a toss. It's only on the envelope, which goes straight into the bin anyway.