To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

[marthiemoo]

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

i feel your pain. Sorry to say that 20 years of trying to tactfully correct my relatives has not helped.
I think the problem is partly that when it happens, the relative is not there (you have received something by post) so you can't say to the person concerned that they have made a mistake.
I know it seems petty, but I notice that the people who tell me tojust let it go are mostly the people it isn't happening to.
We have an added complication, which is that our children are double barreled, and my daughter shares a first intitial with me. MIL has several times addressed mail to Ms X Smith-Brown, which my daughter has opened. It was intended for me (Ms X Brown). Daughter is much more direct than me and told her but still makes no difference.

The "Mrs Husbandfirstname Husbandlastname" thing isn't even longstanding practice, but hypercorrection. While "Mrs Husbandlastname" has been around for centuries, IIRC taking both the husband's names only appeared in the middle of the 19th c, in the lower aristocracy/ upper middle class (ie the bits of society that most saw a woman's identity as tied up with her husband's). It then got copied by everyone else along the lines of, it must be the right way because the poshos are doing it. (DM is a bit of a snob and her DM was, so that cards to DGM were always addressed "Mrs John Watkins" even in the '80s--whereas my other DGM was "Mrs E(dith) Jones".)

Just out of interest, those of you that haven't changed your name to that of your husbands - if you have children what surname have they taken?
I was thinking of keeping my name or double-barrelling it as I don't like my partners last name (and combined with my first name it's a potential source of "piss taking"). My sister double-barrelled hers and her children's names as she had her first outside of marriage. Her husband is fine with this, but I think it would be a bone of contention for mine.

Mine has his name - if we'd double-barrelled it would have been a demented mouthful as my name is Irish and his Dutch. We could have used mine but apart from the fact nobody here can pronounce it it seemed a but harsh to not use his name at all.

In a fun twist though our daughter has decided she wants to use both anyway, she likes the complicated spelling it seems.

Return to sender - no one of this name lives here?

That might be reasonable, if the OP had actually spoken to them about this at all. As it stands a very simple phone call or text would resolve the issue.

(How do you address gay couples?)

The only gay married couples I know merged their surnames and made a new one.

How do you address gay people, FuzzyCustard? Do enlighten us all, is there a special way none of us know about?

Ebeneser - my husband was going to take mine. Then some of his family had a shit fit about it so he didn’t (but that’s a whole different thread! ). Anyway. The kids have my surname. My husband is happy with that. We’d like him to have the same surname. Would be nice to be “The Noopeys”. One day he may change it. But it’s now been almost 5 years and it doesn’t really affect us that his name is different.

Many older people disapprove of women not using their married name (for example my mother is worried people will think I'm not married and live in sin - gasp!). Others actually believe that once a woman is married that her "legal" name is her married name and that you are doing something illegal by not using it. I've asked with interest if they can direct me towards the relevant legislation. Strangely, they never can.

Just out of interest, those of you that haven't changed your name to that of your husbands - if you have children what surname have they taken?

Slightly different, as we're not actually married, but DP and I did debate this. I argued for DD to take mine, aswhile DP's older DC doesn't have DP's surnamehe does at least have more genetic legacy than me. DD has DP's surname as her middle name.

(Although, while this was a nice solution on paper, it hasn't quite worked out so easily. We couldn't agree on a first name, either, so compromised at half each--let's call her Anna Rose. With Seaton middle name and Baxter surname (not actual names but YKWIM). Most of the time people assume Rose is her middle name, and that her surname is Seaton-Baxter. If DD gets 6 birthday cards, perhaps 1 might be correct with correct spelling. )

Just out of interest, those of you that haven't changed your name to that of your husbands - if you have children what surname have they taken?

I'm pregnant with our first, and our plan is to double-barrel.

I can't work out whether you mean double-barrelling your name or the kids would be a 'bone of contention' - I can understand some people not liking double-barrelled names (I don't love them, but it's the best solution for us), but I wouldn't marry a man who wouldn't double-barrel but who wanted the 'just my name for the children' off the table. And I wouldn't even think about marrying a man who might have any 'bones of contention' over what I did with my own name.

I'd suggest if they send you a gift then send them a thank you note with "Thank you very much for the gift, it's lovely blah blah blah. P.S. just a reminder I'm not Mrs Husbandsname, I'm Ms Marthiemoo. "

Every time.

Etiqutte - the customary code of polite behaviour.

How on earth can addressing someone by the wrong name, after they have corrected you several times, be 'polite'?

Our children have both names. Mine is quite long so we said they were free to drop one half once they got to secondary. Our eldest has experimented with each but settled on his dad's name for everyday use as it's shorter and he's lazy This is fine by me. However he chose to keep the double barelled version for official stuff.

Tell them. Then RTS. But then I'm direct like that.

Our DC have both names, but we only really use mine for them.
(Which incidentally is the complicated foreign one, while DH's is the most common surname in the area.)

I'm with Spartacus, that's what I'd do.

I don't have DH's surname. His family all write Perfectly

And I was clear that any children would have my surname.

It’s annoying but I wouldn’t bother about it. If they used th3 wrong name in my presence I’d remind them it’s not my name. I wouldn’t get angry about it though. “C’mon Auntie Jane, surely you must remember that I didn’t change my name when I got married. You keep forgetting”.

Do they even use your name that often? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its staggeringly rude to refuse to address someone by their name. Being too lazy to write it out is even worse.

Keep telling them they are using the wrong name and you find it hurtful to be consistently misnamed. Your husband also needs to take it seriously - would he be happy if your family all kept misnaming him?

Some will always refuse to change but then you will know who has manners and who is too damned rude to give you basic consideration.

@MargaretCavendish
I'm pregnant with our first, and our plan is to double-barrel.
I can't work out whether you mean double-barrelling your name or the kids would be a 'bone of contention' - I can understand some people not liking double-barrelled names (I don't love them, but it's the best solution for us), but I wouldn't marry a man who wouldn't double-barrel but who wanted the 'just my name for the children' off the table. And I wouldn't even think about marrying a man who might have any 'bones of contention' over what I did with my own name.

I think he would be fine with me keeping my name or double-barrelling my name, but he'd probably get upset if I insisted the children take just my name. I'm pretty sure he won't even entertain the idea of changing his name or double-barrelling it. He might accept double-barrelling the child(s) name though (I'm also pregnant with our first). Something we need to talk about really. He's quite traditional in his views for some things. I'm not bothered about getting married, but he wants to now children are in the picture. We've talked about the wedding and he wants a traditional wedding, but I think that's a waste of money and would go for registry with 2 witnesses and tell everyone afterwards type thing. So we will have to find a middle ground for that as well!

Email them. Copy them all in.

"Dear Aunts

You keep sending me post addressed to Mrs Eric Roberts. My name has never been Eric, it's Sally. I also never changed my surname when we got married so that is still Smith.
To make it clear, my name is Sally Smith. I would appreciate it if you could send post to me in the future, Sally Smith.

Thank you

Sally (not Eric).

He might accept double-barrelling the child(s) name though
You can point out that if you're not married, by default any DC would have your name, and it's up to you to accept to change this. Or not.

Yes, that's a good point. If you give birth without being married to him, it won't be a question of what he accepts, it'll be a question of what you do.

My bil insists on doing this. He does it purely to annoy me as he's a misogynist git and he thinks I'm a ball-breaking feminist, mainly because dh and I have a pretty equal partnership rather than going with traditional, genderised, allocation of roles. At this stage, I ignore him as I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing he's annoyed me.

@Honeylulu mentioned people disapproving of a woman not using her "married name". It pisses me off when people ask about my "married name". I don't have a "married name". I have a name, in the same way my husband has a name.