To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

[marthiemoo]

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not

No more than a husband is "Mr Wife's name" - though that is a legitimate and legal option. My brother was humorously referred to at the wedding reception as "the new Mr Wifes Name", which went down quite well.

As far as kid's names go, our oldest two were registered with my wife's surname until we married, at which point we re-registered them in our married name.

For what it's worth the two married gay couples I know chose one of the partner's names and the other changed. How they chose I'm too polite and deferential to ask! (Both couple are male btw if that makes any difference)

This reminds me of a couple in "The Forever War": William Mandela married Marygay Potter, and he became William Mandela Potter and she became Marygay Potter Mandela. It tried the idea out on DW when she was we were planning our wedding, and she blanked me and said she was becoming Mrs brotherphil.

We have some friends who invented a name for themselves so gloriously hippy that it makes me smile every time I think of it I am desperate to share it but it is genuinely unique.

Etiquette is using someone's actual name

I am not, never have been and never will be Mrs DH Name.

I wouldn't think someone was following etiquette if they wrote to me using that name I'd think (at best) they were old fashioned and annoying or (at worst) rude.

@Ebeneser

Both myself and DH have double barrelled our names.

I didn't see why I'd double barrell mine if he wasn't...that didn't seem an equal approach either...

The gay couples I know are either Mrs and Mrs NewCombinedName or Ms Vicky'sname and Ms Sarah'sname.

I have a couple of elderly aunts who send Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs Dave Shrubbery. That doesn't bother me, but a card for my birthday to Mrs Dave Shrubbery would irritate me. I don't mind being identified as part of the Shrubbery Collective, but I don't want to be subsumed into a single identity.

You know this Emily Thornberry/Mrs Nugee example everyone is using - does that predate Boris Johnson yesterday making that exact mistake in the commons and getting pulled up by John Bercow?

Is Boris actually a Mumsnetter?

In response to people saying not to sweat the small stuff, I don't agree that being misidentified in an offensive way, potentially for one's whole life, is small stuff. In addition to having the OP's exact issue with two aunts, I have a name that is often misspelt. I don't bat an eyelid if someone misspells my name by mistake. It's very mildly annoying if someone keeps on doing it, but all it really says to me is that the person is maybe a little careless/lacks attention to detail, I don't feel like he/she is saying anything about me.

This is a world away from my aunt addressing me as Mrs John Smith because she doesn't agree with my right to identify myself as Ms Anne Jones. I would genuinely rather not receive post from her. She is basically saying, "Dear Mrs John Smith, Merry Christmas, you are a nonsense-spouting feminazi with silly ideas, know your place, love Auntie." The other auntie is saying "Dear Mrs John Smith, Merry Christmas, I have taken the liberty of assuming that your identity is now subsumed into that of your husband, love Auntie." The latter is obviously not as bad as the former but still rankles and I'm hoping another gentle nudge will sort her out.

It would just be nice to receive a birthday card without it making me feel a little bit shit.

They can only make you feel a little bit shit if you give them the power to do that. Perhaps this is one of those things in life that arise so that we learn we hold the power over our feelings and that feelings and thoughts are only temporary and of not much importance anyway?

They may be doing it on purpose or they may be completely unintentional - stop giving your power away but allowing it to bother you one tiny bit.

*by oops!

Why do people keep saying it doesn’t matter, who cares, let it go etc

Can’t we appreciate that different things matter to different people? Something that upsets me might not upset OP, and vice versa

This would bother me op.

Dh and I recently married and we hyphenated our names. I like being Mrs Magicfajita-husband's name.

My mil said recently (when checking our new names) that we were Mr and Mrs husband's initial Magicfagita-husband's name. I had to correct her because my first name has not changed. My wedding picture usb was addressed to Mr and Mrs husband's initial too , the booking was made in my name and I paid and made all communications so there's really no excuse there.

I do wish that people would move with the times.