To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

[marthiemoo]

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

Wow, thanks everyone. The 'return to sender' idea is so tempting...

The only reason I haven't been more direct is that I don't want to make them feel bad about it. If someone I was close to told me that I'd been getting their name wrong for five years I would feel awful and embarrassed, so at the beginning it seemed kinder to hope they'd realise for themselves. I realise I could have saved myself all the angst by just being up-front at the beginning.

@LifeBeginsAtGin I am lucky enough to be able to worry about all sorts of things simultaneously, big and small. Caring about this doesn't mean I care less about poverty/Brexit/global warming/my career/prolapse/moths. It would just be nice to receive a birthday card without it making me feel a little bit shit.

@theymademejoin yep I'm the same. When people ask for my mum's 'maiden name' I ask, "do you mean her name?"

But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not.

@hollybaytree I've no idea what Emily Thornberry's naming arrangements are, that's her business. If my husband or I are ever given a title maybe I'll need to have an argument with the Queen about what she puts on the envelope - but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I do not have one name 'in a professional capacity' and a different 'official' name. I have one name, legally and in practice, for all aspects of my existence.

The gay couples I know haven't merged surnames and are "Mr A Smith and Mr B Jones". I wouldn't address them as anything else.

@Whatshallidonowpeople Nope, just mine. Literally the only time Mrs [husband's name] has ever existed in the world is in my aunts' handwriting.

But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not..

Not so. Honestly, it just isn't the case!

You may change your name on marriage without the use of a deed poll, but you do not have to, nor is it illegal not to do so.

But you are "Mrs husband's name

No you're not. At least in England and Wales, you can choose whichever name you like. There is no law whatsoever that forces you to use a certain name. Or Mrs as title, for that matter.

Stop with the hints and tell them outright that you are MarthieMoo and if they continue to use the wrong name you will most definitely be returning all misnamed mail etc!
With some people you just can’t do subtle.

But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not

In which country? Certainly not in England, Wales, Scotland (and I'm not sure about NI).

Where is this country which legally enforces a woman to show she is now a man's property?

@Whatshallidonowpeople - But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not.

No, I'm not. There are misogynist idiots who believe they have the right to impose their beliefs in terms of "correct etiquette" wrt to names. However, as nobody has declared you them Ruler of the World, your their beliefs carry no weight in practice or in law.

Really appreciating everyone's honesty on this.
Ebeneser - our daughter has my husband's surname but her first and middle names are from my side of the family (she's named after a close family friend and my mum, who died when I was a teenager) so I feel like both sides are well represented.

@Whatshallidonowpeople

But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not..

No. This is a point i made earlier. There is no legislation or legal precedent in England & Wales which means a woman legally bears her husband's surname. If you have evidence otherwise, please refer to it.

But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not.

You really aren't. Your name is the name by which you choose to call yourself. The end. Unless it is done for reasons of deception or encroaches on protected titles. You can call yourself Mrs if you're an unmarried man if you want; plenty of people called Mrs aren't married (widows, some divorced women), you can take any surname you want (including that of your divorced spouse, or of your favourite pop star, or of the place you have a nice holiday). They are all your legal name, and the idea that you have some secret other name, which is "really" you, derived from your father or your husband is just paternalistic bollocks.

There is slightly more rigour about titles that don't begin with M. In principle, you can't call yourself Lord Smith if you don't have a peerage, although it doesn't appear to have stopped Count Basie or Duke Ellington coming into the UK. You're not supposed to call yourself Dr Smith if you don't have a doctorate, although it has been extended as a courtesy title to non-PhD physicians with MBChBs (and, increasingly, to dentists). But surnames? And given names? Whatever you want.

Not in NI either c8.

OP "I don't want to make them feel bad about it."

which is kind of you, considering they clearly do want to make you feel bad about your name.

I didn't change my name and my nan just couldn't get it. Every time it came up she's make a big fuss about not knowing what my last name is now, I pointed out it had never changed in my life. I was once told that she's just can't keep up and never knows what to call me. My cousin, on her FORTH (!) last name my nan had absolutely no trouble with.

@KennDodd - I think "refused to get it" is probably more accurate than "couldn't get it".

Whatshallidonowpeople, take a look at a marriage certificate.

That is the legal document issued following the marriage and nowhere does it refer to anyone called Mrs Husband'sname. It documents the marriage of the woman and the man using whatever their current names were at the time of the marriage. Nothing else.

Therefore the woman is not legally Mrs Husband'sname, any more than the man is legally Mr. Wife'sname.

PaulDacre

Thanks! I was pretty sure that was the case but it was the one devolved area which I didn't know for sure.

Incidentally, it seems that men can change their name on marriage without deed poll also. I guess it is sex/gender discrimination otherwise? Anyway, my husband just did the same as me, sent off his marriage certificate with his old passport, driving license etc.

“But you are "Mrs husband's name" whether you use it or not.”

Not unless you choose to be.

KennDodd "my nan just couldn't get it"

I have had the odd occasion where my horrible dad pretends he just can't remember things or can't understand them. I find sitting him down and saying "we need to have a talk" works quite well, though he does go all "why are you making such a big deal of this".

of course she CAN get it. she is refusing to acknowledge it.

Incidentally, it seems that men can change their name on marriage without deed poll also

You don't need a deed poll: you can just call yourself whatever you like.

But you do need a deed poll if you want to get some documents into a name other than that on your birth certificate: passports, notably, and therefore in 2018 bank accounts.

As one of the main reason for people changing their names is marriage and things that flow from it, like divorce, and as both marriage and divorce have documents associated with them, there is a special hack which says that you can change your name to that of your spouse using just the marriage/etc documents. It's just saving everyone the aggro.

Does anyone happen to know what the process is if you want to hyphenate your names at the point of marriage? It's got a pretty long history (historically for daughters of the nobility who didn't have brothers, or women who brought their own title into the marriage) so I presume there's a route to do it easily.

I didn't change my name and our dd has my name. He has a surname that could lead to unfortunate teasing and I refused to inflict it on myself (I worked in a school) or our daughter.
However we all answer to Mr and Mrs and Miss Beanz ,Mr and Mrs and Miss Dipshitz, Mr and Mrs and Miss Beanz- Dipshitz or Mr and Mrs and Miss Dipshitz -Beanz.
Whereas we are actually Ms Beanz and Mr Dipshitz with Miss Beanz. And
It's slightly irritating especially to dd who will correct people every single time, but dh and I don't really bother.

(Btw. He isn't really called Dipshitz but it is as bad)