To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

[marthiemoo]

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

I never thought of the 'fun treat' notion, that's v funny

Of course your aunts should get your name right as a matter of basic courtesy. Are they married? If so, how about writing the next birthday card to your uncles as "Mr Aunt'sfirstname Aunt'smaidenname". If they are cool with that, then there is no hypocrisy. Otherwise.....

The "Mrs John Smith" thing is an example of the patriarchy that is hopefully at last withering in the interests of equality. And we need to challenge it.

Disclaimer: My own mother writes to me as "Mrs John Smith" and I have never challenged her! I should though. Without being rude. It's very odd as my brother changed his surname on marriage (our maiden name was pretty awful), and she gets his new name right every time!

I agree that the argument that women should change name because their name already comes from another man (their father) is a bit of a red herring. My surname was given to me when I was born, other people have the same surname but that doesn't make my name any less mine. I inherited my eye colour from my father, but they are my eyes not my father's eyes.

Men's names also come from their father. That argument never held any water to begin with. It's simple really, change, don't change, it's a choice, but people don't get to make it for you.

My surname isn't even my father's name, but my great grandmother's.
My choice.

My Mum also does this as a passive aggressive way of disagreeing with my decision to keep my own name rather than take my husbands.

I recently had an issue in the post office because she had addressed my son’s birthday present to me with my ‘married name’. I have no ID in that name so they refused to give it to me!

Yup...I have this problem, too. I am double barrelled, and my title is Dr, but I still get cards from family addressed to Mrs Hisname Hissurname. I have mentioned it, but it doesn't change. I've had to let it go to a degree...but it seems inconsiderate to ignore a person's chosen name(and a title that is hard earned!).

I see where you are coming from. I use my own name . Because...well, it's my name.

I can see that 2 names on an address is longer so I would let that wash over you . If they introduce you and refer to you with your own name then I think you can live with that quite happily ?

Take it you don't have children and if they do they also have your name.

I changed my name when I married in 1996 and again in 2005 when I married for the second time. Both my parents regularly forget and call me maiden name. I had to tell Mum that I hadn't had that name for 22 years the other day!!! Learn that sometimes its not worth sweating the small stuff

My Mum also does this as a passive aggressive way of disagreeing with my decision to keep my own name rather than take my husbands

So does my mum, angell74. We've been married for eight years this year.

Be direct. Some people cant handle the decision some of us make to keep the name of our choice. Blustering Boris has just got bollocked in Parliament for trying to force a name on a woman she doesn’t use.
It is insulting not to call a person by their own name!

If it matters to you then at least be really clear to them about it and say it upsets you not to be addressed as you choose. If you don’t, labels and so on won’t make them remember! Sometimes people just get things stuck in their heads, and what other posters have said about convention is true—they may genuinely feel they’re doing the ‘correct ‘ thing and don’t plan to upset you. I’d be tempted to not worry about it, but then I gave up worrying about such things a while ago—and one of my much-loved sisters still gets the spelling of my husband ‘s name wrong!!!!

My married name is my birth name. I didn’t want a new one. I complained to step MIL who is Mrs DH that I couldn’t bank birthdah cheques and she stopped it.

Children are AB Testing DH and CD Testing DH. My surname is a second middle name that’s not generally used. I would have preferred them to have my surname but it was a mild preference. DH strongly wanted them to have his. He didn’t want to look like a step father. Given that I carried them for 9 months I didn’t think not having matching names would make me feel detached.

Does anyone happen to know what the process is if you want to hyphenate your names at the point of marriage? It's got a pretty long history (historically for daughters of the nobility who didn't have brothers, or women who brought their own title into the marriage) so I presume there's a route to do it easily.

You just send the same form (and your marriage certificate) to the passport office as if you'd changed your name completely: www.gov.uk/changing-passport-information/name-marriage-and-civil-partnership

***

Yes, that's how I double-barrelled my surname to begin with. However, it all became a bit harder when we tried to remortgage in new names (DH hadn't needed to renew his old passport at that point) and change names on bank accounts. My passport wasn't enough - they wanted marriage cert. They saw that and refused to accept it as apparently it meant I could use either my maiden name or my husband's name and not my passport name. Also his passport wasn't valid for proof of ID as it was his old name. Double-barrelled for all banking stuff required a deed poll. For BOTH of us. And I still have one or two things in my old name which are too much hassle to change ie need solicitor's certified deed poll...

Your father's name - your husbands name - does it really matter

I actually do buy that argument - for me personally. But it's not for me to say what is important or not to anyone else. If a Catherine decides she hates Catherine and will use Kate instead, I call her Kate. I don't tell her she shouldn't have an opinion on the subject or care either way.

Wait until they tell you that that it's 'illegal' for a woman not to change her name to her DH's name when she marries. Oh yes,I've heard this one a few times.

I have this from some of DH's older relatives. To be honest, I completely ignore it and just think about how rude they're being. I almost feel sorry for them, weirdly - it's pretty petty behaviour.

Also I'm sure there are things that I do/don't do that they think are rude/lacking etiquette too, just generational differences!

Shake it off, let it go, etc etc.

Double barrelling is all very well but what happens when the next generation marry? Do the have a quadruple barrelled name or do they each choose one name from their original double-barrell and just go with that? And how would they choose?
What effect will keeping maiden names have on anyone trying to find their ancesters/wider relations in the future? Does it really matter that much for a woman to take her husband's name and for all the family to have the same surname?

Everyone asked me why I didn't revert to my maiden name when I divorced but I didn't want my children to have a different name from mine and, as an older mother, I didn't fancy not being a, "Mrs" as I had children. (I realise I'll probably get flamed for that but heyho.) And it seemed ludicrous to be, "Mrs Maidenname" and, anyway, it was just another male fuckwit's name, only my father rather than my ex husband, and one didn't seem any better than the other. What is in a name anyway? Roses and smelling sweet and all that.
For what it's worth the two married gay couples I know chose one of the partner's names and the other changed. How they chose I'm too polite and deferential to ask! (Both couple are male btw if that makes any difference)

I have similar with my beloved aunts. I think they just forget, and they really love my husband :) I have tried to explain several times, as has my more tactful mother, but no avail. I don't cash the cheques they send for my children because they're made out to someone who doesn't exist....so my children are now also keen to make it known their mum kept her birth name. Perhaps the next generation will have more luck.

Oh I get this. Just ignore it. Either pettiness or laziness, either way it is either issue! I laugh about it.

Does it really matter that much for a woman to take her husband's name

Well yes, it's my name and I don't see why I should be expected (by society generally, not you in particular) to give it up when the same expectation is not made of men.

HollyBayTree are you Boris Johnson?! 😱

Many ways to tell them; directly, through a parent, thru and anecdote when you see them. But. OP, in the long run, aunts can be an integral part of your life. Maybe ask them why they do this? I had mostly great-aunts and they are long gone.

It's a lonely world when they go, so if you love them, be kind instead of huffy?

@manicmij Yep we have a five month old baby. When she was born she didn't have a name, so we gave her one. Her first two names are from my side of the family, her surname from my husband's.