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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

162 replies

marthiemoo · 26/03/2018 12:12

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
marthiemoo · 27/03/2018 20:10

@Abbylee Definitely, I'm very close to them which is why I'm trying to find a way of broaching the subject that doesn't make them feel bad about it. I don't feel huffy about it, but it is upsetting as it implies either (a) they don't care enough to get it right, or (b) are trying to actively make a point, or (c) don't really know me as well as I'd thought. If I wasn't close to them I wouldn't care.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 27/03/2018 20:10

Double barrelling is all very well but what happens when the next generation marry? Do the have a quadruple barrelled name

Every single time..

I'm sure they can figure something out. Not something that would make me change my perfectly good name for no reason.

Original poster
marthiemoo · 27/03/2018 20:15

@Turquoise123 Oh they hardly ever send anything to both me and my husband (except for a Christmas card), it's just me. And my husband's surname is longer than mine, so it's not like it's saving them time by using it.

@Ifeelsuchafool This is exactly the problem my mum had! She was also Dr Double-Barrelled and my dad's mum would only write to her as Mrs Hisname.

OP posts:
purplelila2 · 27/03/2018 20:17

OP
YABU what's the big deal? I'm off the same opinion as your husband ...

Let it go....

SandAndSea · 27/03/2018 20:24

OP, I'm with you on this. I understand that it's not life and death but it's your name! which cuts pretty deep. If it's any consolation, I've been addressed as Mrs "DP's surname" for ages - not only are we not married yet but I've told them all that I'm keeping my name. They seem to think they know better. It's quite strange (and ignorant).

greeneyedlulu · 27/03/2018 20:24

My own grandmother spelt my name wrong on every Xmas and birthday card, it's the foreign spelling rather than the English. Have to say it never bothered me as I thought she was an old deluded cow but it made me feel sorry for dad more as she could be bothered to acknowledge what her son had decided to name his own child....
And tbh why are you actually so bothered?? If the postman called you Mrs husbands name would you drop down dead?? Family are fucknuts and weird but we can't completely disown them for their lack of (insert everything that annoys about a family member) or We'd have no family left!!

caoraich · 27/03/2018 20:36

OP I'm with you on this. It's not difficult to get someone's name correct. I would send a polite email "clarifying" your actual name...

We've got round the issue by never bothering to get married Grin
Doesn't stop a relative of OH's addressing us as Mr & Mrs Hisname. It's something to do with "the shame" of us Living in Sin. Mildly hilarious as our titles are both actually Dr.

Now that I'm pregnant OH is hopeful that she'll finally disown us....

simiisme · 27/03/2018 20:56

It wouldn't bother me; I'm very forgiving of the foibles of older people.
I've been close friends with a lady from Yorkshire (it is relevant) for around 25 years. She has always pronounced my first name incorrectly, using a short, clipped vowel sound rather than the correct long vowel sound (think 'bath' vs 'Barth')
In the first few months, I used to gently try to correct her, but I gave up. She is a lovely person, just cannot say my name correctly, but it's no biggie.

ShackUp · 27/03/2018 21:15

MIL does this. In fact, she writes just 'Shack' [no surname]. DS1 gets 'Master Shack Surname'. She's mainly a tosser, though.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/03/2018 21:50

I've been close friends with a lady from Yorkshire (it is relevant) for around 25 years. She has always pronounced my first name incorrectly, using a short, clipped vowel sound rather than the correct long vowel sound (think 'bath' vs 'Barth')

If your name is, for example, Sandra and you are from the south, so pronounce it Saahn-dra, it would seem totally unnatural to someone from Yorkshire to also pronounce it that way, because Sandras from Yorkshire are pronounced Sand-ra - not incorrect, just different.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/03/2018 21:52

Or San-dra rather.

Hippee · 27/03/2018 22:43

HollyBayTree - are you psychic? Watching the Boris Johnson debacle today and thinking I'd had deja vu!

TheShaniaTwainExperience · 27/03/2018 23:15

It’s fucking rude is what it is.

Not quite the same thing but before I had my kids I worked for a small business of only a few employees and would see my boss, the owner of the business daily. She had actually known me before I started working for her, so all in all up until my mat leave she knew me for about 14 years. For 14 years, despite me being on the fucking payroll she couldn’t spell my first name with the correct first letter. It’s JEMMA. Still irks me today. Normally I don’t mind when people spell it with a G if they don’t know me or whatever but she literally dealt with pay slips with my name on...!!!!!

Original poster
marthiemoo · 27/03/2018 23:15

Also it's a bit different to randomly deciding you're actually called Carol.

OP posts:
TheShaniaTwainExperience · 27/03/2018 23:17

Exactly. It’s not difficult, your name didn’t change. They didn’t need to change the way they address you at all. Some people are just stupid.

Original poster
marthiemoo · 27/03/2018 23:17

@TheShaniaTwainExperience Ugh that's so annoying! It's just basic courtesy to get people's names right.

OP posts:
TheShaniaTwainExperience · 27/03/2018 23:18

I get why people would spell it with a G first off as it’s the more common spelling. Dealt with that my whole life (thanks dad). But t get it wrong when she’s known me for so long AND I worked for her... urgh.

manicmij · 27/03/2018 23:24

That would not be your husband's surname though, just a name from his side of his family? Always wonder why if a female is retaining their own surname why their children are usually (but it always) given the husband's surname making them different from the mother.

Original poster
marthiemoo · 27/03/2018 23:30

@manicmij Yes she has my husband's surname. No particular reason except we thought we'd find double-barrelling it a bit of a faff (my mum's surname is double-barrelled and I've often had issues with e.g. internet forms that don't accept hyphens) and we didn't have a strong preference either way. Doesn't bother me at all that it's different to mine. Plenty of people I love have different names to me - my mum, husband and Granny, for example. If I had changed my name then it wouldn't the same as my dad or brother either, but that wouldn't have made them any less family.

OP posts:
manicmij · 27/03/2018 23:39

Worked with a couple who when they married decided to add one another's surname on to their own e.g. Sutherland-Brown and Brown-Sutherland. Absolute nightmare for other stands and clients trying to remember who was who. First child arrives- father's surname only. Only so much you can do with names without causing some confusion.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/03/2018 00:07

We went with a different option for our DC, they don't have either of our surnames. Their surname is their paternal grandfather's first name. Surnames are a bit more nebulous in Malaysia where DH comes from, there are a few different cultures with starkly different naming conventions, so it's not as straightforward as Europe anyway. His family name is five syllables and un-spellable and the cultural norm for his ethnic group is to be known as first-name father's-first-name as a child and then Mr first-name as an adult, the family name hardly ever gets used. Plus girls don't ever use the family name, they would normally be first-name father's-first-name until marriage and then first-name husband's-first-name and we wanted equality if we had DC of different sexes. So we dropped DH's family name completely for the next generation. (If you didn't understand any of that, don't worry, it took me a while to get my head around it.)

Original poster
marthiemoo · 28/03/2018 00:13

That's really nice, and shows how all this stuff is just what happens to be deemed normal by a particular culture at a particular time. My brother has friends who decided to choose a completely new surname when they got married, and went for Moriarty just because they thought it was cool.

OP posts:
bagster · 28/03/2018 00:42

I am now distraught that we didn't change our name to Moriarty when we married. Probably too much of a faff now we have two kids, but our surname is a very odd one of ancient Dutch origin that has to be spelled out continually. We could even have gone for Heathcliff or Poldark...

Kiki06 · 28/03/2018 07:33

have I just stumbled upon a mumsnet thread in a Jane Austen novel??!!!

brotherphil · 28/03/2018 07:36

It may "be etiquette" in the UK -which is debatable - but in France, for example, Madamoiselle Emily Thornberry would become Madame Thornberry as the usual presumed name.

In any case, the etiquette that most people would follow would be to use the name that people asked them to use, rather than rudely insisting on using a name that they have clearly indicated they do not use.

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