To tell my aunts to use my actual name?

[marthiemoo]

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on anyone else's decision on this - it's a totally personal decision and each to their own. My mum, her sisters and my cousins on that side of the family, plus my stepmother, all kept their names so it's the normal thing in my family. But my three aunts on my dad's side changed their names and now (it feels like) refuse to acknowledge that mine hasn't changed. At first I thought they might have just assumed the wrong thing and would go back to using my real name once they'd realised. I'm in regular communication with them all on facebook and on email, so they see my name on a probably weekly basis (plus they've known me since I was born!). I've also tried to give subtle hints; when we moved house a couple of years ago we sent out 'new home!' cards with our full names and new address on. And I now have some of those little sticky labels with my details on that I stick on the back of any cards/parcels I send them. (I got these made specifically for that purpose so I'm actually spending money to try to drop hints...) My husband doesn't get why I care so much. But it's been five years now and I'm still getting regular cards and letters addressed to Mrs [Husbands first name / last name]. It's hard to describe how it makes me feel - a bit of annoyance and exasperation, but also a little like I'm under attack, like they're making a point that my opinion or decision on this doesn't matter. And I'm genuinely quite hurt that they evidently don't care about me enough to bother getting my name right. I feel silly for getting so upset by it, but it really does make me feel crap. It's particularly annoying with one of them because she has a first name with an unusual spelling and it upsets her when people don't make the effort to spell it properly, so ever since I was little I've always made sure I've double-checked it!

Anyway, my main question is: what should I do about it? I could just let it go - it's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - and try to not let it upset me. Or I could try to tactfully bring it up? I don't want them to feel bad about it, but I also definitely want them to stop doing it. Any ideas welcome!

Does anyone happen to know what the process is if you want to hyphenate your names at the point of marriage? It's got a pretty long history (historically for daughters of the nobility who didn't have brothers, or women who brought their own title into the marriage) so I presume there's a route to do it easily.

You just send the same form (and your marriage certificate) to the passport office as if you'd changed your name completely: www.gov.uk/changing-passport-information/name-marriage-and-civil-partnership

We have been married 22 years (almost). I did not change my name...DC have my DH name because mine is not specially nice and might open them to teasing. They have my last name as a second name to use if they wish. I had to remind people at first. Just stayed gentle and firm...everyone got it..eventually. Hang in there and stick to your guns. There is no moral or legal necessity to change your name at all.

You just send the same form (and your marriage certificate) to the passport office as if you'd changed your name completely:

Thanks: I was looking at the Deed Poll page which doesn't make it clear that the marriage exemption includes double-barrel. It just says "You don’t need a deed poll to take your spouse’s or civil partner’s surname. Send a copy of your marriage or civil partnership certificate to record-holders"

Oh, and I wonder what double-barrelled names were called before they started to be called double-barrelled? OED has it of firearms in 1709, and metaphorically in 1777 (albeit in America), but not of names until 1889. But the concept of hyphenating names is I think older than that.

You are married to him therefore it is your name. You may not be known by it, but it's still you. In the same way as you aren't known as the woman at no5 (or wherever) but you still are

You are married to him therefore it is your name.

The 18th century called. They'd like the concept of coverture back.

OK, the early and mid-19th as well. The Married Women's Property Acts started being enacted from 1870 onwards.

I took dh’s surname. I wasn’t going to. But he wasn’t going to wear a wedding ring. I told him no ring no name change. So we compromised.

Most people when writing address things to me &mrs surname (which is fine). The only two who don’t and insist upon me & mrs dh’s first name surname are my grandma (but she’s 87 so we her get away with it as it’s what she considers to be the proper way to do things) and mil (who really should know better as she moaned repeatedly about being mrs fil when they were married...but I know she does it to piss me off)

You are married to him therefore it is your name. You may not be known by it, but it's still you. In the same way as you aren't known as the woman at no5 (or wherever) but you still are

Oh, like how you're 'the rude woman who tells other people what their name is incorrectly and based on false assumptions'?

You are married to him therefore it is your name. What? Like your husband's name automatically, legally becomes your name upon marriage? I don't think that's how it works!

When DP and I get married, I certainly won't be taking his surname. He knows this. Any children that we have (though it's looking increasingly unlikely that we'll have any, having recently had my 6th MC) will have my surname. If he wants the same surname as them he's more than welcome to change his surname to mine.

Others actually believe that once a woman is married that her "legal" name is her married name and that you are doing something illegal by not using it. This. I'm pretty sure my mother and her sisters thought my name would change automatically when I got married, and that I had gone to great lengths to be 'difficult' and change it BACK to my birth name. When the opposite is actually true.

We have relatives who do this to me too, OP, and mostly I ignore it as for the most part they are elderly relatives for whom this was convention. We had to make more of a stand when they started sending cheques made out to Nando DHname, as that person doesn't exist and we couldn't deposit them!

You are married to him therefore it is your name.

Bullshit. Show me the law that says this, go on.

I am married but I've never changed my name so I'm still known as (say) Miss Jane Jones. If i started signing cheques or booking flight tickets in my "married name" of Mrs Jane Smith, simply on the basis that I am married therefore "it is my name" I would be in rather a lot of difficulty unless i took a number of procedural steps (applying to change passport etc). Whereas by doing nothing at all, no officials have any issue at all with me using my birth name. Yet by your logic it isn't my legal name. How do you explain that?

It became customary somewhere in history for women to (usually) adopt their husband's name on marriage. But custom/ tradition/habit is only that. It's not a legal obligation, any more than any other bad habit.

You are married to him therefore it is your name.

So if that's true, why aren't men called Mr HerName by default as well? Hint: because it's not true.

@Whatshallidonowpeople - You are married to him therefore it is your name.

In what jurisdiction is this the case? It is most certainly not the case where I live. Or where anyone else that I know lives.

My husband's surname is as much my name (legally or by common usage) as The Grand High Mistress of The World is my name (legally or by common usage).

My bank allowed me to deposit a cheque made out to Mrs Husbandsname when I took my marriage certificate in to the branch.

My bank allowed me to deposit a cheque made out to Mrs Husbandsname when I took my marriage certificate in to the branch.

Yes so did mine. It was a right palaver though. Conversely when i signed a cheque in the wrong name (nothing to do with married name - i used a signature with an abbreviated version of my own name which i use for work letters) the cheque was returned with a stern letter and threat of a fine. I am I no doubt the same would have happened if i had signed my "married name".

Your father's name - your husbands name - does it really matter

"Your father's name - your husbands name - does it really matter?"
But it's your father's name-your husband's father's name-does I really matter?" Or your name that has been your name since you were born that you went to school as, went to work as, achieved, loved,failed as. Or your husband's name.

You mean her name or her FILs name. And yes it does matter.

You are married to him therefore it is your name. You may not be known by it, but it's still you.

You are married to your spouse therefore your name is Kevin Arsewipe McChicken Lickin the 42nd. You may not be known by it, but it's still you.

My above sentence is no more or less accurate than your claim. You literally might as well have said that for all the truth it contains.

Bring it up with them. If they persist then try my sister's method; she sent their next card mr and ms with his name and her maiden name. Aunt L never mentioned it but after that all cards were addressed correctly.

My aunts do the exact opposite! I’ve been married for 10 years, took my DH’s name, they even came to the wedding and they send all correspondence in my maiden name!

One sent me a cheque on a special birthday in my maiden name after it’d been changed years ago. My mum even reminded them about the surname when they called for our new address 4years ago and I still get everything in my maiden name.

It makes me chuckle now when I see the envelope as I know it’ll be a card off one of them!

I have two aunts who do the same thing and have also done the "send post with correct name stickers" thing to no avail!

I do not understand people saying you should just get over it. It is your NAME. The most basic marker of your identity. I think it's rude to send post without taking care to name the recipient correctly, and beyond ignorant to deliberately name the recipient incorrectly.

For my part I find being called "Mrs John Smith" very offensive as it is reducing me to the status of my husband's property against my will. I don't think sexism is any more acceptable than say racism - if there were a historically racist mode of addressing letters nobody would suggest that maintaining it nowadays was "proper etiquette".

It's also easy to say, "Say it to them", but if I were to specifically raise the issue with my aunts I don't doubt that it would cause a family war. People who do this just don't get it, alternatively have strong views about how it "should" be so are unlikely to react well to it being raised, and the fact of it being raised as a result of them sending something gives them the moral high ground, "I sent a birthday card to Heregoes and got a text telling me off for my trouble!"

One of my aunts is - I think - unthinking about it, but another does it on purpose to make a point. She did initially address things to "Mr John and Mrs Anne Smith" but when I started sending cards with sender details "Ms Anne Jones and Mr John Smith", she changed to "Mr and Mrs John Smith" on all correspondence. It's a sort of "Get back in your box" move, which I do not appreciate. She similarly insists on calling my other aunt, her own sister, by her married name, despite the fact that she knows well that she didn't take her husband's name when she got married 30 years ago!

I am watching this thread in the hope of seeing a solution that would not cause a family war or require me to accept being deliberately "put in my place" for the rest of my life...

Your father's name - your husbands name - does it really matter

You mean your father's name or your FIL's name, if you approach it like that. I'd rather keep dad's than change it to a man's with whom I have lot less in common.

@lethaldrizzle Not my dad's name, my name. And yes it does matter, you might genuinely be fine with someone consistently getting your name wrong but it bothers me.

@Flamingo84 Totally as bad that way round too! Everyone's decisions should be respected.

@Heregoeseverything Well I'm glad I'm not the only one! I think on some level one of them thinks it's a nice thing to do, like a sort of fun treat because I don't get to use my 'married name' the rest of the time. Whereas to me they might as well call me Offred and be done with it.

Your father's name - your husbands name - does it really matter

The moment my name was entered onto the birth certificate, it became my name. Mine. A name I just happen to share with dad.

I've had this name for almost 50 years. I'm not going to be changing it.