AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

[Cirrys]

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

Personally I think yabu. Sorry! He was daft about the milk.

Why do you never go to these occasions? This whole set up is weird.

But at 8 weeks it’s a long time for you and your baby to be apart.

And he sounds completely clueless about biology. And kind of mean too. What’s your relationship like otherwise?

Well the milk bits not nice but what do you think the difference is if the baby is awake late at his mothers compared to if the baby is awake late at home? I can see why it would be annoying to have to be back home at a set time because you’ve decided some arbitrary time.

Is there some reason why you don't go with him to visit your MIL?

Personally I think getting back at 11pm on a Sun is too late but I would be more concerned that he leaves you alone every Sun evening (unless this is 'me time' that you're happy with).

This doesn't sound like a good relationship, there's so much aggression and hostility. I think that it's a big problem that you couldn't have a sensible conversation about this and reach a compromise (but I think it sounds like his fault not yours). Is he usually like this or is his attitude specific to this situation?

Really really weird set up. Do you want to go as well? Yanbu btw.

Could you go with them in separate car and come back earlier with dd? How far away is it? Are you Irish? (that's a joke but only my Irish family seem to visit parents religiously weekly to a set schedule)

How odd! Can't you go with them? I think yabu as there's not much point him going to be home at 8. I have a 10 week old and certainly wouldn't worry about being out later.

Is it just me that would want a tiny dc at home from tea time onwards?? Why can't his dm visit you?

Babies are portable. You don't need to worry about bedtimes for a good while yet. It's not as if he's got her down the pub at 11pm (although we often went out for dinner late when DS was at this age and he'd just sleep in the pram).

Why don't you just go with him?

If you don't want to go then I think it's only fair you let him take her but obviously you need to plan ahead to ensure he's got enough milk to take.

I don't think the lateness matters but he is potentially damaging your bf relationship doing this and was utterly horrible to you about the milk. Your milk supply isn't even established yet!

I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with an 8 week old being out of the house until 11pm, provided she has enough milk. Could you go with DP and DD to the in laws, then you could feed her when she is hungry?

I would’ve really struggled to be apart from my baby at 8 weeks old. I don’t think the PJs and bath are so important at that age, but I would’ve found the 6/7 hours apart really hard to do. Also, your DH was dickhead about the breastmilk.

I totally agree with you about him being unreasonable with the milk but that's just because some people don't understand it isn't a tap you can turn on.
With the DD going to his Mother's I understand both point of views, I go to my grandparents every Sunday with my parents (family tradition) my DS is 12 but we still leave about 8 because of school, the grandparents all understand that I did this from the start so my DS was never wondering why we were late leaving and always in a routine.

YANBU you're not a fucking milk machine. No way would I agree for DH to take my new baby away from me every week for several hours. I think even saying yes until 8pm every week is generous.

He sounds like a bit of a prat for the way he spoke to you.You are his family and soon there will be a bedtime routine with your LO so he needs to change what he does on a Sunday.

It's not clear why you don't go but it is a bit of a weird set up.

Why don't you go with them OP?

I've always gone to my parents for dinner on Sunday evenings since before I met DH, so he started going to his mum's on Sunday evenings too. It works well for us because he isn't keen on my mum's cooking and I don't get on with his mum.

I'm happy for him to take DD on Sundays as his mum is busy on other days and it means DD can see her grandma without me having to see her. But I think small children should be bathed and in bed by about 8pm, not being taken out in the dark with only half a bottle of milk.

I don't think YABU.
I have 3 DDs and even at a young age I wanted them at home in a relaxed setting ready to go sleep. The odd occasion would not fuss me. A weekly visit until late would be a no no for me. At 8 weeks I was trying to establish a loose routine, not so much for baby but for myself. No matter what age they were my babies were bathed at 6pm. 1 week, 8 week or 8 months.
The milk situation, I would have politely told DH to eff off! Thats not right!

I think it's strange that you are both going to your parents homes for dinner every week, break free!

And you are not a milk machine so you do not have to provide enough milk for the baby to be away for several hours, pumping is hard work. If you're not happy to or can't provide enough milk then he doesn't take her for that length of time.

Phew, that’s fine then as it’s on your terms, was worried about you!

Now I’m thinking YABU. Small babies don’t need such a rigid routine.

Why don't you invite them to you? Or go together, to your folks one week and his the next. Routines change when you have kids, it's time to make your own family traditions.

YANBU at all! I'd have gone mad if my DH spoke to me like that.

I'm probably over anxious about this kind of stuff but I couldn't just let my 8 week old be away from me for hours with half a bottle of milk! What if they were hungry or hit traffic for hours on the way home?

Seems a bit odd that he'd risk upsetting baby for the sake of pleasing an adult.

I know its not the poont of the thread but thinking long term is this arrangement going to work forever? So your children will never see their maternal grandparents or their mum on a Sunday evening. Perhaps look at changing the arrangement now so it doesn't become an issue later.

She's a breastfed newborn baby. It's perfectly normal that you dont want her to be regularly away from you for hours on end.

I get it if she was a bit older. But I’m not sure I’d be too worried as she’s young. Is there any reason you don’t go? He does have a say as he’s the baby’s father as to what he does with both of your dd.