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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

160 replies

Cirrys · 25/03/2018 19:29

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 25/03/2018 22:22

Quibbling over 8pm or 9.30pm is not the problem here.

I am worried about your DH verbally abusing you, behaving like a dick and putting his mother before the feelings of his wife and the needs of his child. He's lucky you are allowing your DD away from you for such long periods of time as not many mothers would.

Has he always been verbally abusive and sulked?

arethereanyleftatall · 25/03/2018 22:31

I've only skimmed, but can't you go to your parents as usual, your dh host his mum at yours, and they put your dd to bed in her normal routine.
Then everyone's happy, and you're close by should they run out of milk?

yummumto3girls · 25/03/2018 22:32

What would happen if you said no to him OP, would he take her anyway?

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 22:37

The formula thing and the fact that he threatened that is dreadful. I wouldn't trust him to take her now. Did they go tonight in the end I missed that?

I would actually be putting my foot down on this and saying she isn't going full stop until she is a bit older and then it will be on your terms and during her normal daytime hours.

If he doesn't recognise your right to feed her and her right to be fed breastmilk on demand by her mother then that's a serious problem. Don't let him and his mother ruin your breastfeeding relationship with your daughter.

You said earlier she ruined your wedding and she resents you so I really wouldn't trust her not to introduce formula. It's all part of her controlling her son's life.

Yvest · 25/03/2018 22:41

Since you know he’s going to take DD then over thagain course of the week make sure you e enough milk for him to take with him. It’s fine him being out with her till late, he can get her onto her pj’s and settle her at her mums and then bring her home.

knowsmorethansnow · 25/03/2018 22:44

I wouldn’t have allowed him to take her without enough milk. It is cruel. Too her and you and very selfish of him and MIL.

Original poster
Cirrys · 25/03/2018 22:52

Did they go tonight in the end I missed that?...

No. I put my foot down, not just about times but about lack of pumped milk to feed her, and he called me a selfish bitch and stomped out.

Has he always been verbally abusive and sulked?...

He has always sulked. His mother sulks so he's obviously learned it from her. It's one of the reasons I don't like her. Early in our relationship she didn't speak to him for a month because he took me out on New Years Eve while she was on her own. Imo the fear of her sulking is why he panders to her.

I don't know if I'd call him verbally abusive. He sometimes isn't nice. While pregnant I cried a few times and said I didn't want the baby because I didn't know how I'd cope. At the time he called me a bitch for saying that, and now when we argue he often throws it back at me and says I didn't want DD anyway. Which is what he said today when I objected to him taking DD out without sufficient milk to feed her.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 25/03/2018 23:03

Please please get professional help.
Please speak to your HV or GP first thing in the morning. You need support.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 23:07

He threatened to give her formula?* He regularly calls you a bitch? His response to you being worried about how you’d cope was to call you a bitch? He’s often ‘not nice to you’ (I think outsiders would say ‘verbally abusive’)? You really need to look at your relationship, it sounds horrible 🙁

*not that there’s anything wrong with formula, but there’s everything wrong with threatening to give a bf baby formula to get your own way.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 23:07

now when we argue he often throws it back at me and says I didn't want DD anyway.
Shock

I am so sorry he was like that to you OP at a time when you were so vulnerable. His mother's behaviour is being replicated in his behaviour to you and that is worrying for the future and for his relationship with DD. He is using.your words, said when vulnerable and reaching out to him for support, against you. I would be very clear with him that if he speaks like that in front of DD he will have crossed a line and won't be coming back from it.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 23:12

I agree with other posters that repeatedly calling you a bitch is verbally abusive. Maybe you have got so used to it you see it as normal.

Did he apologise to you? We all snap at each other and say horrible things every now and then but we apologise and make up and usually dont do it again. This sounds like repeatedly putting you down.

Are you expressing for any reason other than these Sunday visits? If not then maybe you should consider not expressing and keeping your baby close to you and as far away from toxic influences as possible. She can visit you if she wants to see him and you can go for a nice bath.

JaniceBattersby · 25/03/2018 23:13

God the thought of this poor baby being inconsolable because she’s hungry is breaking my heart. My four babies have never really gone longer than an hour or so without a feed or a cuddle from me at that age. It’s a real primal urge to be near your baby in case they need a feed or something else from you. If my husband had taken them away from me knowing they were going to get hungry well....it wouldn’t have ended well.

Have a good think about all of this OP. There are lots of wise posters here. Listen to them. Don’t let your husband make you believe you’re in the wrong.

Allthewaves · 25/03/2018 23:17

I think the issue isn't staying out late it's to do with mil. He knows you don't like her. Does he see your reasons? Does he agree with you? Or is he stuck between you and his mum?

I don't see the problem with later bedtime. I'd express and freeze during the week for this Sunday visit and let him take dd. If your parents are seeing her daily I don't think it's too bad his other granny gets to see her Sunday and I'm guessing dh likes going round and staying for a bit

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 23:21

allrhewaves not sure if you've read the full thread but he's called her a bitch, told her she never wanted the baby anyway and threatened to buy formula against her wishes. He is abusive and the MIL has been incredibly rude and hurtful to OP in the past. Grandparents dont have a right to see their grandchildren that overrides a baby's right to be fed and with its mother.

PrincessScarlett · 25/03/2018 23:22

Oh OP, the first few weeks of having a newborn are exhausting and emotionally draining and on top of this you are having to put up with DH's manipulative shit.

I understand about having a dreadful and controlling MIL. I have one and for years my DH would put MIL first until my kids were born and I developed a backbone. It's hard work trying to undo all the damage these toxic parents do. Thankfully my DH has never been so vile as to repeatedly call me a bitch. That really worries me OP. Are you happy with him? Do you love him?

vampirina · 25/03/2018 23:25

Shocked by the first few replies, of course you're not being unreasonable he sounds like a complete twat.

Establishing a bedtime 'routine' like you described is important and a fun thing you can do together. You're not a cow, the milk stuff is just beyond. But why does he have to go to his Mum's every Sunday? Without you?

tealady · 25/03/2018 23:36

Totally unreasonable for an 8 week old baby breatsfed baby to be away from you for so long. At that early stage you never know when the feeding pattern is going to change and its cruel to both baby and Mum to upset this emerging balance. I also agree that it is nice to start establishing a routine for evening and bedtime even if its just quiet time.

Your dh and MIL are not thinking about your baby (or you). Well done for standing up to this cruel treatment. I'm sorry that your dh is not supporting you and the baby.

RachelTeeth · 25/03/2018 23:39

Your husband is vile, if you choose to tolerate that level of contempt and misogyny, cool, but being forced to live with an abusive, domineering parent is massively damaging. All those posters who can’t see what the issue is because the man just wanted to appease his sulky mother are either thick or deliberately being obtuse. The man needs to educate himself on a range of subjects, but it’s a bit late now, having forced another person to be related to him.

JessicaJonesJacket · 25/03/2018 23:40

Your poor baby.
You're both using her to score points against each other.
He sounds verbally abusive. You're using breastfeeding to set arbitrary limits on the time he spends with his mum. There's no reason you can't pump and freeze except you'd rather argue with your DH about sterilising and needing more notice for a weekly arrangement than ensure your baby has enough milk with her.
You both need to grow up. If you can't both work together to ensure your baby is fed then you should split up.

Original poster
Cirrys · 25/03/2018 23:42

But why does he have to go to his Mum's every Sunday? Without you?

He wants to visit his mum. I can't stand hèr due to her past behaviour. I much prefer him to visit her without me. And I prefer her to see DD without me. I wouldn't try to stop DD having a relationship with her grandmother but I want no part of it.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 23:46

But every week?

Be honest with yourself if your parent was so vile to your DH that he could never bear to see them would you still visit them every week without fail? I am fairly sure i wouldn't out of loyalty for DH. If he wants to let him but he doesn't have to take your DD every time surely?

Original poster
Cirrys · 25/03/2018 23:48

You're using breastfeeding to set arbitrary limits on the time he spends with his mum.

I'm not limiting the time he spends with his mum. I am limiting the time my 8 week old breastfed baby is away from me. I don't find that unreasonable. If DH wants to stay out late or spend more time with his mum, he can... he just can't take DD with him.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 25/03/2018 23:59

Both of you are willing to let your baby go hungry to prove a point.
Please tell your HV about this. Hopefully they will be able to get one or both of you to prioritise your child.

mathanxiety · 26/03/2018 00:03

You need help, Cirrys.

You are dealing with an abusive man who is more invested in his relationship with his mother than the one he has with you.

Please get counselling for yourself and do not let him out with DD again. He cannot be trusted to feed her fgs. And you need to start understanding that he has no right to call you a bitch.

Agree with RachelTeeth.

TheCraicDealer · 26/03/2018 00:16

I was with you from your OP. Newborns might be "portable" but in the not too distant future you're going to want baby in some sort of routine, however loose. Why make that harder than it needs to be by all these set-in-stone bloody evening visits which neither he or she will ever wish to stop? At what point is it "ok" to put your foot down and insist she's back for 8pm- when/if you go back to work? When DD starts school? When she has a GCSE exam the next day? Ffs people!

And that was before there was all the gaslighty stuff about him calling you a bitch and that nastiness with throwing things you'd said whilst pregnant and vulnerable back in your face, or threatening to put her on formula. Who does that? Someone who values their relationship with their narcissistic mother over their wife or their DD's best interests.

I think it's time to have a very honest conversation with him, perhaps in the presence of a counsellor, and discuss how you both see your present routine changing now you have your own family unit. If you "drop" your Sunday visit with your own parents then perhaps you could encourage an afternoon visit, or steel yourself and accompany him to see his mother. It's only reasonable that he gets the opportunity to spend time with his DD and DM together, but equally he now has to concede that the status quo can't continue and will only become more unfeasible as time goes on.