AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

[Cirrys]

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

Ask your HV to help. You shouldn't have your baby away from you at that age if it is against your wishes. Please contact professional help.

I'm finding this whole 'pump milk on demand' thing a bit odd. My ds at this age didn't give me much option to pump, and certainly not a bottle full on demand. I pumped when I could - sometimes if he hadn't had a full feed I'd pump to drain, or I'd have a certain point in the day where I put in an 'extra feed' so my supply knew iyswim. I bagged and froze these pumped feeds and used as I needed for such events as visits. My pump kit was always washed and sterilised ready incase he had a small feed - afterall is is not really your dh who needed milk it was your dd - and potentially you who needed to pump to drain. I would be concerned if you are just pumping ad hoc that you are either going to mess with your supply or finish up with mastitis.

Your DH sounds like he is not being supportive of you breast feeding - the next suggestion I can see is that you stop and ff so that he can do as he likes. As others have said she will cluster feed before long and you are going to need a plan for that - which yes would I think involve dd being home earlier especially if in laws are some distance away.

You sound as though you have a good established breast feeding atm. Don't let things like this screw it up as it is damn hard to get back - seek advice from your health visitor or breastfeeding group if you can.

It's not relevant whether it's arbitrary. There is no reason for the wishes of a new mum not to be respected. She is anxious about having the baby home by late evening, he needs to respond to that and stop being a prick

It’s 9:30pm, not midnight.

There’s no reason a new Dad can’t take his baby to visit his Mum at 6:30-9:30 on a Sunday, why does it have to be 4-8pm? There’s no reason for that. An 8 week old baby does not need a bath/pj’s/story/bed routine, they should make the most of that. He’s not being a prick to visit at a time tgatbsuits him & his Mum. The baby doesn’t care if it’s 8pm or 9:30pm.

FruitCorner so, irrespective of whether it makes no difference to the baby, the Dad isn’t allowed to take her at a time convenient to him & his mother, because the baby’s Mum has decided on an arbitrary 8pm bedtime routine, for an 8 week old. Right.

AnnieAnoniMouser

We will have to agree to disagree then. I think a nursing mother's wishes come first.

An eight week old doesn't know the time so it seems very controlling to give the other parent a time limit. Likewise controlling him via BF isn't a healthy sign.

He, however how cross, shouldn't have spoken to you like that.

Very worrying set up all around. No advice other than what pp have suggested.

He is treating the baby as if she is some trophy he is taking to mother to boost his ratings.

annie
so, irrespective of whether it makes no difference to the baby, the Dad isn’t allowed to take her at a time convenient to him & his mother, because the baby’s Mum has decided on an arbitrary 8pm bedtime routine, for an 8 week old.

Basically yes. At 8 weeks the mother has the final say on what she feels is right for her baby.

However I do think it will make a difference to the baby because of cluster feeding also because she hasn't been able to express enough milk.

yellow how is she controlling him via breastfeeding? He is lucky the baby takes a bottle at all. My 6 month old has always refused a bottle so my DH has never been able to take her anywhere for more than an hour or so. Am I controlling him via breastfeeding?

We had our baby DD in a fairly good bedtime routine by about 6 weeks. You can't keep bundling her back and forth at all hours forever... when will her routine be established?

Your DH was a twat about the milk. If he thinks it's so easy, tell him to produce some.

Cirrys

8pm or 9:30pm makes no difference, it really doesn’t.

You’re pegging your issue to the wrong flag pole.

If there wasn’t enough milk, he shouldn’t have taken her, if he’d been here he wouldn't have taken her.

If she was hungry last week because he wasn’t prepared, then he wouldn’t have been taking her this week.

From now on, if he can’t meet her needs I’d say his Mum can come to visit every second Sunday if she wants to see DD. You can take yourself off for a bath or whatever, so you don’t have to spend time with her, but you’re there if DD needs a feed. Every other Sunday you can spend with your parents & he can visit his Mum in his own as he has previously.

yellow
An eight week old doesn't know the time so it seems very controlling to give the other parent a time limit. Likewise controlling him via BF isn't a healthy sign.

Controlling via BF? At 8 weeks old? Erm OK then

Babies (especially young ones) need to breastfeed on demand, so at 2 months old there is no way I would have let anyone take my baby out for several hours at a time.

Is it not possible for you to go to MIL's with the baby, or for MIL to visit the baby at your house?

My 4 babies all of on demand. It was very rare for them to go more than 1.5 hours from feed beginning to feed beginning for the first 6 months, except at night. The "every 4 hours" idea is for bottle-fed babies.

You all seem chronically unable to compromise. Your dh won't compromise on times. Your mil won't compromise on days. You won't compromise on visiting so your daughter can see her grandmother and be fed whenever she needs it. You won't compromise on accepting if your DD goes she will need expressed milk so building up a bank of food. Your dh won't compromise on cutting a visit short when there is insufficient milk.

What is best for your daughter?

Clue: to be able to access food on demand, in sufficient quantity. Either because you are there, or because your dh makes shorter visits, or because you have pumped enough.

Either you go with him or the baby stays with you.

The current arrangements don't meet the needs of a breast fed baby & she is the ONLY one that matters here.

Haven't RTFT, so apologies if this is a repeat.
Why don't you both stay home?
You have a new baby and whilst getting out is good, this is a real sticking point for you.
MIL can some to see all of you if she wants to see dd - you are a family.

It is awful that he called you a spiteful bitch, that is out of order.

Aside from that, I don’t think you are being unreasonable, i think it is fair enough when you are breastfeeding to want your baby home, it is also fair enough to expect help with preparing stuff to express, and to expect not to be treated like a cow - and even cows get time between milking.

By about 6 months DD will have a set bedtime of about 8pm when she gets put to bed on her own. I don't see the point of having her out at all hours for months and then trying to introduce a routine later. It's better for adults and child if the routine and times are established from the beginning. I like her bathed, lights dimmed and tucked up in her moses basket and sleeping bag by about 8, even if she does wake up and want feeding. Most importantly I don't want MIL getting used to DD being there late at night to suit her and kicking up a fuss in a few months when she needs to come home early for bed.

I just feel that DH isn't prioritising DD's needs. Last week he didn't have enough milk and drove home with a screaming hungry baby. This week he had even less milk but still wanted to take her? Because his mum wanted to see her, even though he was clearly not adequately prepared to care for DD's needs.

Can your DH and MIL be trusted to not give your DD formula whilst she is there?

You don’t see the point but you do realise he is 50 per cent parent and allowed some say? What happens is she isn’t bath, bedded and dimmed by 8pm? She won’t turn into a Gremlin.

An 8 week breastfed baby should not be away from you for that long,they need feeding on demand, often cluster feed in the evenings when they have growth spurts -nd you will end up ruining your milk supply and getting mastitis! I started getting mine in a routine from 6 weeks so totally agree should be home, bath/bed routine. What the hell is he doing with her until 11? Bet he’s dumping her at his mums and going to the pub?! Very strange otherwise.

spiteful bitch? who does he think he is

tell him youre not the local pump down the pub

twat

Earlier today when DH handed me a bottle and asked me to fill it with breast milk because he was leaving in half an hour, I told him that I can't just produce a full bottle on demand and he can't take DD without enough milk to feed her. He threatened to take DD anyway and stop at the supermarket to buy formula. Then we had an argument because I think it's cruel to take an exclusively breastfed baby and give it formula, potentially ruining the long term breastfeeding relationship, just so his mum can see the baby at a convenient time. He may be the father but I don't think its fair of him to do that.

Your DH is a major twat, calling you a spiteful bitch is abusive and not acceptable. How is Yr relationship op, tbh it doesn't sound like it is based on mutual respect. There is no way I would have wanted my baby away from me for that long, especially when they require feeding on demand and he is being incredibly selfish. What's going to happen in a few months when your baby will need to be in a routine?

Can you leave him op, go to your parents for a bit? He's being abusive, please get help. It is incredibly counter productive to introduce formula when breastfeeding, he is putting his needs before the needs of your baby.