AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

[Cirrys]

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

Now is the time for both of you to break free from your parents' apron strings and announce you're going to have peaceful family Sunday evenings at home. You're going to have to do it once the baby gets into a regular bedtime routine anyway, so you may as well start now.

And show your idiot a few articles about the physiology of breastfeeding.

Your husband is a prize arsehole for treating you and your dd that way.

Your DH is being unreasonable and personally I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to the way he is speaking to you. However, it also sounds like you’re not being overly helpful to the situation either.

He goes to his mums every week. You know this. Why act surprised that he only gave you 30 mins notice for milk? It’s as if you’re scoring points off pedantic behaviour.

It also comes across that there is a lot of friction about your MIL and that might be the reason why you’re being unhelpful. I get you don’t have a good relationship, but perhaps now is the right time to try and heal it. A divided family places stress on a marriage.

None of this excuses his behaviour and I do agree that babies shouldn’t be away from their mothers for long periods but the whole thing comes across as a total unwillingness to find a compromise on both sides.

That may be because you’re a new Mum, low on sleep, fed up and therefore unwilling to go out of your way to make things easier for a MIL you don’t like. But if you’re not planning on leaving your DH over this then maybe the 2 of you need to try and work together to come up with a compromise.

He didn't seem concerned about the small amount of milk, he was only concerned that his mum would be annoyed if he didn't take the baby.

His mothers needs trumps that of his child’s.

You do realise this is a clear path to PND if he keeps abusing you like this whilst also endangering your BF relationship. I agree with routine as it’s as much for you as for the baby within reason. Babies are portable but they do need their mums. Not even court ordered contact would allow for only 20mls for several hours and being threatened with FM.

Personally I think people can come to you. Do a family meal at yours but stop the Sunday’s. And if your husband continues, ask your parents if you can stay for a week. God knows, you’ll appreciate the support

I think the OP has fallen victim to the competitive nonchalance about parenting that stalks AIBU: unless you're happy with your child being taken on holiday by their great uncle Ronnie at two weeks' old with a bottle of pumped milk and a sling, you're clearly an anxious parent

8 week old babies need to be close by their Moms milk supply not a half bottle of expressed milk. They aren't reliable enough to go 2 hours between feeds let alone 6.
Your husband is a nasty piece of shit, you don't get on with his mother and I think maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree there.

Your DH is quickly turning into his DM ... he'll end up giving her formula and will refuse to agree with your 'at 6 months old she will have a set bedtime' idea.

A compromise might be that he has to ensure the pumping paraphernalia will always be clean, sterilised and ready for use. That way, you might be able to pump once a day at the same time to help your supply - and help for Sundays, in advance. The condition would be that if he ever doesn't clean, sterilise and put away all the stuff ready for use after you have pumped then you will stop pumping. (Maybe you can tell that I found BFing and pumping round the clock exhausting!)

Hi Op, I hope you are doing okay. You only had a baby two months ago and are exclusively breastfeeding, you shouldn't be having to deal with all this stress. But you know that right?

Your H, is acting disgustingly. This is a vulnerable time for both yourself and your baby. He is treating you appallingly and I would echo a previous poster and say if it was myself, I'd be taking babe and going for a long break at my parents.

There is NOTHING wrong in wanting your baby home at a reasonable time in the evening. For a start, you need your rest too and if babe is coming home after 11, hungry, you'll be needing to feed and settle before you can rest yourself.

I was fairly routined with all my dc from day one, believed in Feed, bath and bed for around 7pm. Other parents do different and that's okay too. The point is, you are the mother, you are breastfeeding and so your DH should be working around you and baby, not expecting you both to work around him.

So IMO, YANBU at all.

I'm also getting the feeling that your husband is displaying that he is in fact jealous of your breastfeeding relationship with your baby. My ex, who was abusive would regularly try to get me to stop and formula feed because he didn't like the bond breastfeeding brought to my baby and I. At some point your baby will be in a nighttime routine, what does he plan to do then? Also let's not forget that babies also breastfeed for comfort from their primary carer which is you.

Your baby is 8 weeks old and not a toy. You need to point that out that out to your rude and ignorant husband. He cannot keep a baby out late for his mother’s entertainment, the baby may well sleep whilst she is at MIL’s and the fact that he drives her there at 6.30pm (a time when the baby is likely to be tired) is only contributing to this.

You are not a machine, some days I could not express as well as feed and that was just how it was.

If your husband wants milk expressed he needs to ask politely and help. I would leave a man who called me a bitch and was abusive, at the very least you should go to counselling together.

The atmosphere in your house and the way your husband behaves will be your baby’s normality. Think very carefully if this is what you want for her. And if you think I am exaggerating, then look at your husband’s behaviour. He is turning into his mother, whom you detest and can’t bear to be in a room with.