AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

[Cirrys]

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

My parents live really close and are retired so DD can see them on weekdays.

I know this seems ridiculously far in the future but when(if) you are working full time and your DD is in school you will treasure weekends as a family. That's all I meant really I would never commit to doing anything EVERY weekend without the DCs because you need time to just be yourselves as a family. I know you can change arrangements before then though just wonder if it might be easier to cha he them now.

And whether yabu about the routine or not is neither here nor there you are her mother and you get to decide what routine you want to have with her.

The milk bit he is being unreasonable but YABU about everything else

The stuff about pumping and you being selfish because your breast were empty is just nuts sorry. Your DH needs to be given some biology lessons quick.

Imo babies at that age are portable and be8ng at the grand parents until late won’t affect them. Not yet anyway. But wait a couple more months and it WILL be an issue when you will try to have some sort of routine for bedtime and you won’t manage because at least one day in the week, your baby will be at the grand parents.
You need another organisation altogether. One that allows you to see your parents, your DH to be able to see his mum and for the baby to see both sets of grand parents.
I suspect this will mean that you will BOTH see less of your own parents tbh, unless they are happy to come over.
The bottom line is that, once a child is here, it’s pretty normal to have to change your own routine.

But the main issue for me is how you seem to not be able to communicate and solve the issue wo resorting to imposing your POV. And I say that for both of you. You want to have things happening yur way. Your DH wants his way. No one seems happy to compromise or look at a totally different way of doing things (which is often the best way to move forward btw)

DD is the only grandchild that lives near MIL... the others only see her every few months as they live too far away. Ditto DH is the only child who sees his mum regularly for the same reason. He feels a sense of duty towards her to the extent that he moved back home in his 20s to keep her company when she was widowed. When he started dating me and spending less time with his mum she refused to meet me and wouldn't talk to him for weeks. She ruined our wedding day with her behaviour so now I'm civil to her for DH's sake and just avoid her as much as possible.

Things change when you have children. I think your routine needs to change. Both of you, not just DH.

I agree with bedtime routine even at an early age. It's a good way of making sure you get adult time in the evening as well.

Also she doesn't have to see her grandma every weekend. Especially if she is a bitch

I'm not so much worried about your baby being out until 11 as I am about you having to be up. Your baby is still tiny and your rest time is vital. I guess you have to stay up for when they get back. At this stage the routine for feeding has to be what works for you.

He is a twat about the milk and it's a long time to be away from such a little one.

Why can't he go in the afternoon? Or she comes to you.

I think YABU unreasonable about the home time.

I thought ywbu about the milk until you made the point about sterilisation.

He should have sorted that and asked you to pump on a few occasions yesterday and today to have enough to take with him. Then been grateful.

An 8week old breastfed baby should be with their mum most of the time I think. 6.30-9.30 sounds reasonable and as if he was trying to compromise after the 10.30 last week.

On balance you don’t sound very accommodating or like you and he are working as a team. He doesn’t sound very accommodating either.

You are your own little family now. Try to set up your own traditions for Sundays....
He should cook a Sunday roast for you whilst you relax and feed the baby. His mother could come round for afternoon tea and you should both be civil to each other.

The issue of the next few weeks and staying out late is not your problem here. Your problem is the attitude that your DH has about it and the issues around him demanding milk. You need to think up a proper solution to your DD seeing her parental grandparent regularly as this Sunday evening will not be feasible for very long. If your DD goes out late once a week her routine will be broken every week and you as parents will pay the price. When children come along you cannot generally do everything exactly the same as you did before so you both need to work on this and come up with other solutions. This isn't your problem or his problem - it's a new parenting issue that you need to work on together. That said don't be bullied by him. I would not have been pumping milk like a cow to suit someone who was being rude and unfair but I would have been extremely clear on what I expected from the start.

Your husband is a bully. Make contingency plan. Just in case.

YABU about her being out of the house in the evening, she’s too little for it to matter. But YANBU about the length of time he’s keeping her away from you and treating you like a bloody cow to be milked

However, he is treating you like crap. Instead of discussing and compromising, he’s set on having his own way despite your misgivings (and it’s totally normal to not want your 8 week old gone for so long).

I can’t get past your dh calling the mother of his 8 week old baby a spiteful bitch.

I always had my children ‘in bed’ by this time even at this age. If they woke up then fine but they’d stay in a dark calm room so they’d learn its bedtime. It worked they slept through from very early and have literally only ever woken up a handful of times in the night since. Friends that carted their children out till all times of the night as it ‘didn’t matter’ all had sleep problems with their children. Babies/ children like and need routine

I think you have phrased it wrong.
Babies need to be cosy and warm (and in PJ if you want) but it doesn't need to be in their own home.
However, I would not have wanted to be without my baby for more than a couple of hours (especially BF) and if this is the case then this is the argument you should be using.
"DH, I wasn't honest with you before. The reason I kicked up a fuss about you being out late is I don't like being away from the baby that long. Can we please agree that you won't keep her out longer than 3-4 hours but that you can choose the time?"
Cite the importance of BF if you need to but stop making up crap excuses and tell him how you feel.

Your DH's ridiculous & ill-informed remarks about the breast milk need addressing in their own right. But on the subject of the baby being out late, I really don't see the problem. My first baby was born when we were living in SE Asia where it is very common for children to be out till quite late in the evening. Tiny babies are marvellously portable so I would be much more relaxed about this as it worked perfectly well for me and when it was time for the baby to get into a routine a few months down the line, there was no problem

My parents do come over. They literally live round the corner and pop in during the day. If I go back to work they're likely to pick DD up from school. MIL is 20 years younger than my parents, works long hours and has a boyfriend so she's only available on Sundays. I understand that she has to see DD but I don't want to see her if I can help it because of her past behaviour. I'm happy for DH to take DD to visit her on Sunday evenings as long as he's planned ahead to have enough milk and she's back for her bedtime.

It sounds really weird that you both visit your parents on your own each Sunday. Even if you don't particularly like each other's family (and loads of us aren't keen on our IL's), why don't you visit each family together on alternate weeks? Or once a month and have every other Sunday in your own home? I really can't see how your current arrangement will work as your children grow up - it presents a very strange picture of family life IMO.

the time issue is a red herring. It is reasonable to have a baby out that late because, yes, they do not have sleep patterns at that age. Its not going to work forever though is it because at some point the baby will need to be in bed by a certain time.
However.... your partner is being completely disrespectful and he had no right to speak to you like that or behave as he did.
Its normal as a mum you would feel anxious about being away from your baby for that long. Saying you did not want your baby gone that long is very reasonable.

I think yabu about the time but obviously not about the milk

Print off some info about cluster feeding
An example here: kellymom.com/parenting/parenting-faq/fussy-evening/

Ask him to read it and tell him that based on this, and your desire for DDs needs to be met, he needs to have her back. I would even go as far as to say he should be back by 6 as she will need to be feeding every half hour by then some nights. As pp have said this may affect your milk supply going forward.

Link
kellymom.com/parenting/parenting-faq/fussy-evening/

As you are fine being apart from DD for a few hours, him going to his Mum’s 6:30-9-30 is perfectly reasonable. You’re being daft about an 8 week old baby needing to be home at 8, she’s a small baby, it’s THE time to enjoy the flexibility.

I get the feeling you were being obstructive by not expressing earlier so that you could manipulate the time he took her. I’m not surprised he was annoyed.

He was being an idiot expecting you to then express on demand and needs to get educated on how it works, not show himself up for the ignoramus he is.

You need to stop being daft about her not being out in the dark and he needs to think before he speaks to you like that.

I don’t think there is ANYTHING weird about visiting your parents separately. It’s sounds like a great solution. Can you just try and start the Sunday visits earlier and then you can pick up your DD on your way home.

Personally I wouldn’t be too bothered about the bedtime when she is so little. I would just be delighted that my partner took her out without me. I’d be at home relaxing.

YANBU