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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

160 replies

Cirrys · 25/03/2018 19:29

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 25/03/2018 20:44

I would not have a breastfeeding baby that young far from its source of food (you!) for more than two hours. Yes the father can provide comfort and bottle feed but if there was any bottle rejection one evening the baby would be hungry all the way home.
Too much too soon. I would take the baby with me to my parents if he can't commit to being home for a feed. I would worry about the knock on effects for your milk supply too.
YANBU

Lweji · 25/03/2018 20:44

I'm not liking your husband at all.

However, surely you can express milk and freeze it during the week, so that he can take DD out on Sundays, particularly if it's becoming a routine.
It doesn't seem like this was the first time, or did you not expect it to be weekly?

And the later return doesn't seem a problem now, unless you were trying to settle her into a routine.

So, pick your battles. And your main battle now is how he talked to you.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 20:44

It infuriates me when I see people telling new mums they're being 'daft' because they don't want to be apart from their babies against their instincts. You grow a human in your body, you spend every hour of every day trying to keep it alive: you are supposed to feel close to it, you are supposed to have a fierce instinct to protect it. It is totally and utterly normal for a mother to want the final say in how long she is away from her new baby.

orangesmartieseggs · 25/03/2018 20:46

YABU about the time, 8 week old babies don't have routines or any concept of time. YANBU about the milk or how your DH spoke to you.

BUT, how do you see this working when DD gets older? What if you have more children? Are you just going to spend Sunday nights apart for the rest of your lives?

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 20:48

And my baby went to sleep at 6.30pm from 7 weeks - she definitely had a routine. She'd wake up again in the night but at 6.30 she wanted her cot.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 20:50

Pengggwn so true.

Although the OP has said she doesn't mind being apart from her LO for a bit just would prefer it to be earlier. Which makes her DH's behaviour even more unreasonable as many mums (myself included) would refuse to let LO go full stop.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 20:50

Fruitcorner123

Exactly, she is being more than reasonable.

Knitjob · 25/03/2018 20:53

What does he do if she cries and is hungry when they are away? I couldn't have guaranteed my babies would not be hungry for 3 hours at a time at that age.

I would want her home early so you can get her in bed and get off to bed early yourself. Mine definitely had bedtime by 3 months old. But not everyone cares so much about routines.

You could pump all week and freeze milk though. You knew he was going to go on Sunday evening. That's the only thing I think yabu about.

Original poster
Cirrys · 25/03/2018 20:56

I get the feeling you were being obstructive by not expressing earlier so that you could manipulate the time he took her...

I'm not willing to go out in the kitchen, wash and sterilise bottles and pump equipment, while DH watches tv. If he wants milk to take DD out then he needs to sort the equipment and ask me to pump, and do it more than 30 mins before he wants to leave. He's the one who wants to go out and needs pumped milk, not me. If he can't be bothered then I'm happy to just keep DD with me and breastfeed her.

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 25/03/2018 20:57

I think 11.30pm is too late but 8pm unreasonably early. 9.30pm would be a good compromise. I’d be concerned with your family set up though. Spending Sunday nights apart, and you and MIL not bearing each other’s company is thoroughly depressing. I think you should all make more effort to get on as a family.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/03/2018 20:57

I wouldn't have wanted my 8 week baby away from me for hours at all, an hour to two would have seemed too long for me.

But this: he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out is really, really out of order. Has he been verbally abusive before?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 20:57

Some of you need to stop projecting. She has already said, several times, she’s happy for him to take the baby. 4/5pm to 8pm. He wants to go 6:30-9:30. It’s not about tearing a baby from it’s mothers arms fgs. She just wants an 8 week old baby home at an arbitrary hour because she says so. It’s nuts. The baby is 8 weeks old, it gives not one toss for bedtimes or being at home in its pj’s.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 20:59

AnnieAnoniMouser

It's not relevant whether it's arbitrary. There is no reason for the wishes of a new mum not to be respected. She is anxious about having the baby home by late evening, he needs to respond to that and stop being a prick.

Original poster
Cirrys · 25/03/2018 21:00

What does he do if she cries and is hungry when they are away?...

She was hysterical last week because I hadn't pumped enough milk. Imo DH would have stayed out even later than 10.30 if she wasn't hungry. This week because DH left it so late to sterilise equipment and ask me to pump, I was only able to pump half of what I pumped last week. Which is one reason I didn't want him to take her with only half a bottle of milk! He didn't seem concerned about the small amount of milk, he was only concerned that his mum would be annoyed if he didn't take the baby.

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 25/03/2018 21:00

Fully agree with you OP about the fact that if he wants to go out with his dd, then he has to plan to feed her. And that includes cleaning bit,les and asking you to pump IN ADVANCE.

From your later posts, it sounds like the issue might well be your MIL too. If she has been guilt tripping g him before, up to the point he went back to him to keep her company and she threw a strop at him having a gf, I can see her doing that again if your DH doesn’t go and see her whenever it suits her (rather than the baby).
So it looks like you have a DH problem and a MIL problem there.....

mathanxiety · 25/03/2018 21:01

The whole set up is ludicrous and not sustainable.

Pump during the week if you really must see DH and the baby off to MIL's on Sundays. However, taking the baby away from you for such a long stretch is not good for your supply even if you pump while they are away at MIL's. He is completely wrong about the milk, and completely wrong to insist on taking the baby, and completely wrong to do this every single week.

In the long term, he needs to choose between you and the baby or his mother. And you need to choose too, between your parents and your family unit. The current arrangement needs to stop.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 21:02

She just wants an 8 week old baby home at an arbitrary hour because she says so.

You're right its totally nuts for a baby's mother to feel she has the right to choose an hour she wants her child home. (Note the sarcasm)

A woman who has given birth just 8 weeks ago and is breastfeeding should have full control over when and where her baby is away from her. No reasonable DH would choose his mother's wants over the needs of his partner who has recently given birth. Even if to him those needs seemed unreasonable (up to a point I suppose)

upsideup · 25/03/2018 21:03

Its like some people dont realise she is DH's baby as well.
An 8 week old has no concept of if it is too late or not, home at 8 or 9.30 it makes no difference to her and she will be fine.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 21:03

I'm not willing to go out in the kitchen, wash and sterilise bottles and pump equipment, while DH watches tv. If he wants milk to take DD out then he needs to sort the equipment and ask me to pump, and do it more than 30 mins before he wants to leave. He's the one who wants to go out and needs pumped milk, not me. If he can't be bothered then I'm happy to just keep DD with me and breastfeed her

If there are other issues, like him not pulling his weight, they need to be addressed too.

I would hate what you’ve suggested, I’d feel like a cow. I’d rather do it when it suited me and put it in the freezer.

mathanxiety · 25/03/2018 21:04

Having seen your latest post, I recommend Relate or any other marriage counselling you can find where you will get an appointment as soon as possible.

Your H is not loyal to his own family unit and is not even able to meet his own baby's needs because he is so desperate to keep up the very unhealthy relationship with MIL.

VivaKondo · 25/03/2018 21:04

So it looks like your DH is happy to put his mum before everyone else, incl his own baby...

I think you will have to set boundaries up very clearly there.
He can’t go if he doesn’t have enough milk for your dd.
He can’t go if this disrupts HER routine too much
He is responsible to organise everything to go and see his mum with his child, incl organising feeds.

I wouod watch out for her kicking off when your dd won’t be happy with being moved around like this in the evening. It might come sooner than you and he thinks....

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 21:04

upsideup

Erm, nope, this is very clear. But fathers don't have the same physical bond with the baby at that stage. They're not going to be leaking milk everywhere, getting anxious because the baby is still out etc. The DH is being a twat.

unintentionalthreadkiller · 25/03/2018 21:05

Why can't he take her for lunch instead?

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 21:05

Just read your last post. I know every baby is different but none of mine would have gone anything like as long as you describe without milk at that age especially in the evening. If the MIL is interfering and controlling do you trust her not to e introducing formula?

Hermagsjesty · 25/03/2018 21:09

YANBU. Both of mine were restless and unsettled in the evenings when they were babies. I wouldn’t’ve wanted them away from me for that long.

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