AIBU to want DD home at 8pm?

[Cirrys]

DH always goes to his mum's every Sunday night for dinner and comes back about 11pm. We now have brand new DD and DH wants to take her with him on Sundays as it's the only time his mum can see her. I've asked him to take DD about 4-5pm and come back by 8pm at the latest. Apparently I'm unreasonable because he doesn't see why he can't come back later. DD is eight weeks old! DH thinks it's fine to be out late because DD is too young to have a set bedtime and is often awake until late, but I think even if she isn't asleep she should be in the house and bathed and in pjs, not out in the dark.

Last time DH didn't come back till 10.30pm so I went absolutely nuts. Apparently DD had been asleep so DH had to stay later so his mum could see the baby when she woke up. AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?!

Today he presented me with an empty bottle and asked me to pump enough to fill it as he was taking DD to his mum's in half an hour. I had literally just fed DD and could only get about 20ml of milk, so DH got annoyed because I was "being selfish" and refusing to provide milk so he could take DD. I tried to explain that I can't produce a full bottle of milk on demand when DD has just emptied my breasts, but he wouldn't listen because apparently he's read that milk is produced all the time. I kept pumping and when the bottle was half full he said he was taking DD and would be back by 9.30pm. I said no, I want DD back by 8pm as discussed, and he said I took so long to pump milk that it's hardly worth going now if he has to come back by 8pm. But that isn't my fault or my problem? I refused to let DD go out till 9.30pm with only half a bottle of milk, so he has shouted at me and called me a spiteful bitch and stormed out.

My babies wouldn’t have gone anywhere without me at 8 weeks old! Yes I’d possibly pop to the shops and leave them with DH but this sounds vv unreasonable of your DH and his mother! I just hope it’s not a sign of things to come with MIL...
The milk thing is absolutely nuts. Sorry but how old is DH? He’s not very empathetic is he?
He sounds a bit possessive over the baby. I wouldn’t be happy at all.
It should be MIL popping to see you and helping out at this stage, if you want. Sorry x

I would not have accepted my DH removing my DD from me for any longer than I was comfortable with at 8 weeks. And he would have been picking teeth off the floor if he had called me selfish for not pumping on demand (disclaimer: metaphorical).

Dont young babies cluster feed in the evenings? I would be seriously concerned about lack of milk.

I ff mine and if I was out 6-11pm with an 8 week old would take two or three cartons of feed just as a backup.

In fact........could his mum be keeping a tin of formula at her house?

I think that you need to be more flexible until she is a lot older. She will go through many changes until you need to get a rigid sleep routine going.

"AIBU to think he should bring DD home at a decent time regardless of whether his mum has seen her or not?! "

Yes you are. The relationship with her Nan is an important as your rules.

You are being ridiculous about the time. At that age it barely matters and baby can sleep anyway.

You are both very weird about this set up. Yes you're not keen on his mum and he doesn't like ur mum's cooking but you're a family now - why not simply go as a family? This is nonsense!

He is being silly about the milk and in practical terms I struggle to see how this is going to work being away from baby that long whilst still establishing bf.

He sounds stupid (thinking you are turning a tap on to feed) and rude (calling you names) and selfish (wanting your child to be away from you for such a long time.

I'm with you - the child should be established in a bedtime really early on, rather than coming home at 11 pm.

Yes @NapQueen and the cluster feeding is very important for building up supply which is why I said up thread her DH could be damaging their bf relationship by doing this.

I think 11pm is far too late to be out with a baby on a regular basis. Yes, 8 weeks is young but it is never to soon to establish a good bedtime routine. What about if DH bathes her at his Mums and puts baby in pjs there?

All of that aside your DH sounds horrible and totally U in regard to how he speaks to you, I would not accept being called a Bitch at all!

I think you both need to grow up. Routines have to change when you have kids. Do one parent each weekend and both go. You can move it earlier when she starts having a regular bedtime.

As for the milk thing, I’d be showing your DH some info on how bloody breastfeeding works

Why on earth don't you go with him? Does MIL ever come to you? Something seriously weird about your Dh feeling such pressure to take her that he insists you provide milk on demand. Is your little one her first grandchild?

I would’ve found the 6/7 hours apart really hard to do...

DH wanted to leave at 6.30 and come back at 9.30. So only a couple of hours apart. I don't see why he couldn't go about 4 and come back for 8?

And if he's planning to go to his mum's I think he should give me more than 30 mins to pump milk. I reminded him yesterday and this morning that if he wanted to take DD out tonight he needed to ask me to pump in advance. But apparently IABU because I didn't go in the kitchen, wash and sterilise bottles and pump equipment, and pump milk... while DH sat and watched telly. AIBU to expect him to sort out the equipment if he needs me to pump?

At 8 weeks this wouldn't bother me (except for getting full and uncomfortable breasts).

This set up will not work long term. For the next few years you would be better of both going alternate weeks to each parent. It's bonkers to take an 8 week old breastfed baby away from it's mother for hours on end. How will she cluster feed? It'll end up enforcing an early end to breastfeeding. She's due a cluster jag in a week or two, around 10 weeks old.

Some things have to change when you become parents.

He sounds like a selfish arse op

Breastfeeding babies at 8weeks are still fed on demand. You can’t be expected to express at this stage. If baby feeds every 3hrs during the day then that should be the window for baby being away from you. Full stop end of discussion MIL should know this.
Apart from that I do think there isn’t a need for a strict bedtime at this age and on this point YABU but it’s your baby.
You need to talk about this reasonably, your dh doesn’t understand breastfeeding at all and was an idiot but maybe your rigidity on 8pm has caused his reaction.

Weird set up but whatever works. I think Yabu a little bit about the whole time thing but he's a total cunt for saying what he did about your milk - and exactly how is 20ml enough milk for an 8wo baby for an afternoon out????

I don’t like how angry your DH got. I think you should be more worried about that, plus I wonder who is pulling the strings...? Is his Mum pushing him to make demands or is he just totally unreasonable. Does he know other people with babies? He seems very immature.

I think that both of you are being unreasonable here. 8 is quite early for such a young baby if you aren't having a sleep routine but 11 is far too late. What time does she generally fall asleep naturally? You should set that as her bedtime and aim to have her at home a maximum of half an hour before hand. Re the breastfeed your DH is an idiot. Make sure he knows it. Utter moron. I do think that you need some couples counseling or something like that though. This is a bit of a non issue and yet it is causing so many problems. Imagine what it will be like when you have difficult de using to make. You both need to learn to be more reasonable and more flexible.

is this arrangement going to work forever? So your children will never see their maternal grandparents or their mum on a Sunday evening....

DD has to see her paternal grandma some time. But I'm certainly not going to visit her after the way she's treated me in the past. I'm civil to her on occasions like Christmas and avoid her as much as possible the rest of the time. I'm happy for DH to take DD on Sundays, which is the only time grandma is available anyway because she works long hours. My parents live really close and are retired so DD can see them on weekdays.

I'd advise you to put your foot down now. Don't pump unless you feel up to it. Don't accept that she is staying out until it's practically the middle of the night unless you're happy with that. And if he doesn't like it, tell him to go on his own.

Your DP sounds like a right twat.
Some people like to take babies out til late, and that's fine, but you are breastfeeding a tiny baby and whatever routines you want to put in place should be supported.
Neither do you need the stress of having to go and visit his mother if you don't want to.

He is being a nasty ignorant arse imo. Babies that young are feeding very much on demand and often cluster feed in the evening. I agree with those who say eight weeks is probably too soon to be able to rely on expressing for feeds that often and for that long.

Your H needs to get on board and try to understand how breastfeeding works - and to support you in what can be a really difficult thing to do - not call you a 'spiteful bitch' because you can't be milked like a fecking dairy cow. That's really nasty and I imagine you have more issues with your H than just this one

The milk thing was bad he should have asked earlier though I think you knew that he would forget and purposely didn't say anythig.

I don't thibk 3 hours is a huge deal if you really don't want to be away from your baby you could go alone.

Seems to me the problem is more with control and you disliking his mum

He sounds horrible and in a month or so baby is going to want to go to bed early so he needs to come up with a new plan.

My little one is exactly the same age and I don't think YABU at all! You're her mum; if you don't feel this setup is right then it should be your call. I wouldn't want it. Your DP sounds extremely selfish and expecting you to fill a bottle on demand like that is awful. Calling you a "selfish bitch" is abusive. We have a routine with DD in the evening and I would not want to deviate from it yet so I completely understand why you want her home at a decent time. My DP would never be like this. I really feel for you, have you got any other support?