To be so disappointed in my adult son?

[theresnoonequitelikegrandma]

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

Well to your ds it probably is normal if that's what happened to his DP. But I think you sound lovely to be concerned about your xDIL and knowing that your ds is behaving badly.

Yanbu. It’s really kind of you to be considerate of your DS’ ex.
Maybe as you have the experience of being left you are better placed to realise how it might feel to dil.

I don't think you are over reacting, or being unreasonable to be sad about the way your DS has behaved, but I also don't think you can fix it.

What do you do? You do nothing. It's his life and his mistakes, or good decisions, to make. No-one ever knows what really goes on in a relationship except for the people in it so you don't my really know what his reasons might be for ending the marriage.

You don't mention any children. If he is childfree, even more reason to stay well out of it.

You never know, his female friend could be your new DIL one day.

You are way over involved in his life, his marriage ending s choice to make and his alone. Would you rather he stayed unhappy to suit you?

Maybe he knew he'd made a mistake and got married too early etc.

If they have split then he is a free agent but I can't imagine he is a FB with the ex so how would she see it? if she is, it's not unreasonable to remind him to delete her or be sensible in what he posts.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, and two people to break it.

Surely it is your DS ex wife|? and she presumably is an adult and defriend him on social media if she so wishes?

No good will come of meddling in your childs relationships. Your DD is correct.

yabu. your ds is a fully grown adult capable of making his own decisions especially with regards as to what he posts on fb. from the sound of it he didnt even post anything just allowed himself to br tagged in a picture he was happy to have taken. his marriage broke down and he has now moved on. if you dont like what he posts or what others may tag him in then i suggest you unfollow him. i highly doubt your ds cares what his stbexw thinks about his fb posts but if it bothers her she should probably unfriend/unfollow him too.

OP you are absolutely doing the decent, right, kind thing. Good for you.

Thank you for not just telling me I’m over invested (well, at least not all of you!) My DIL is on fb and is still friends with us (apart from my DS of course) as my DD has ‘liked’ the photo, I think she’ll be able to see it which is why I asked him to take it down.

He has replied to say that she’s there because she’s one of his friends and his new flat mates are all her friends (which he also failed to mention earlier). I’m going to step away from fb now and let him get on with it. Thanks for the support.

Just keep out of your adult sons life!
You are interfering and fussing round way too much.

Giving your child pointers on sensitive ways to behave isn't unreasonable, given he doesn't sound like he is all that sensitive otherwise.

And I would argue that it only takes one person to break a marriage/relationship.

Oh he's such a liar.
She's more than a friend, he's just lying.

I don't blame you at all for being disappointed, not least because it will of course bring back memories of his father doing the same thing to you!

But you can't do anything about it - he will do what he's going to do, just like his father did - all you can do is support your DIL (if she wants you to) and let him create his own path.

for you though - it must be hard to see history repeating itself. :(

It's his life to live. He shouldn't be living it to please anyone else.

I agree that two years isn't very long. But no point in you interfering as it's his life. But better they split now than ten years down the line with two or three children. I agree that it is insensitive of him to post about his new 'friend' on FB.

Your daughter in law will not give you a look in once she has moved on and in a better place. Youre not her mum. Your son is your son forever, and I think its important you dont choose your ex DILs feelings over those of your son, if you want a close relationship in future.
Keep your nose out.

You should tell your dd and ds, that yes of course you are overreacting because you've been in that bloody situation and know how much it hurts and they should learn from that and have a bit of empathy And behave better than their father.

Sorry, but he sounds a bit of a knob OP.

You've expressed your concerns to him some people would, some wouldn't and I don't think there's much more you can or should do.
FWIW I am highly doubtful about the explanation for "friend's" presence (on a lads' holiday?) and his ex-wife may well be too.....

Sometimes marriages don’t work out, I’d rather my dc walked away than stayed and were unhappy tbh.

You don’t have to agree with it but it’s tough really becuase his adult and can do as he wishes

No wonder there are so many CF around. All this step away and let him crack on with life comments

Anyone acting like a CF should be pulled up on it and at least be made aware that his behaviour is inappropriate.

And to the pp who said it takes two to break up a marriage what utter fucking rubbish. If someone has been cheated on is that their fault? Ffs MN is a weird place where 'minding your own buisness' is what should be done all the time.

my DD has ‘liked’ the photo, I think she’ll be able to see it which is why I asked him to take it down.

No she won't. I cant see 'likes' unless I and the liker are friends with he same person.

Nicely, unless there is a smidgeon of hope of DS and DIL making a go of their relationship, yo should all be cutting DIL loose so she isn't hanging on to a past life. It isn't healthy. What happens 3 , 5 , 10 years down the line when you are mentioning new weddings/grand children etc ?

Or at least protect the ex by being as discreet as much as possible to minimise the hurt, if he is going to do it anyway.

This new woman at work may well become a permanent fixture in your sons life.

You might not like it but choose your battles. This one doesn't involve you at all.

How old is he OP? Are there children involved? To be honest if he's young and no kids then a break up is probably for the best if he has developed feelings for someone else.

Your feelings are to be expected OP, but stand back, don't alienate your DS over this, it isn't worth it, what will be, will be, regardless of your input. Though you may want to, don't take sides.💐

YANBU. I would be disappointed if my DS was lying to me like this.