To be so disappointed in my adult son?

[theresnoonequitelikegrandma]

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

Actually, it's nothing to do with whether I hate being lied to or not. It's pretty low to lie to ppl, especially family who try to support you in being a decent person.

Sakurasnail, do you know for a fact he is lying? She might be a friend from work, it isn't impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex.

You sound absolutely lovely! I would feel the same in your shoes.

He may well be lying but he’s an adult, he has every right to go on holiday without telling you who he is with!

He was with ex ten years, which sounds like they got together young - it has just run its course. He doesn’t love her like that any more. Maybe the new woman has been a catalyst for that but that doesn’t necessarily mean anyone has behaved badly.

Even if they have - you’re his mum. It’s really nice of you to care about your STExDIL but you’re getting over involved.

Your son's relationships are none of your business. You interfering won't make him suddenly want to be with his wife again or make him think twice about getting with the OW. All you will do is put a strain on your relationship with your son for the sake of a woman that will most likely want a fresh start and cut all ties with you once the break up is finalised.
Anyways it is far better for all involved to break up than stay in a miserable relationship to please outside parties.

peach perhaps I should have said 'lied by omission' then, as I would assume a 'lads holiday' to be populated by males. Maybe that's just me though.

Maybe he actually said he was going with his mates and OP assumed it was all lads. I used to take shorthand notes in formal interview situations, it is amazing how people "remember" conversations slightly differently to what was actually said. Or maybe it was originally lads and she asked to go, one of the other lads asked her to go or the OP decided to ask her. I honestly wouldn't expect my kids to phone me to let me know an extra person was going on a weekend away.

No wonder some kids go no contact with parents.

Sakurasnail

I knew it wouldn't be long before someone spouted that old tripe

Yet you seem to be happy with the affair/OW tripe that is being passed off as the truth.

I'm with you OP; he may be an adult, but you can still let him know you don't like his behaviour, and that you don't like him very much at the moment.

MN seems to be convinced that parenting doesn't stop when they hit 18; well, this is an example of that.

YANBU. Of course he's an adult and can do as he wishes with his life, but of course you would care about this kind of situation - why wouldn't you? He's your son. Most people wouldn't just say oh well he's grown, I don't care - even if they imply that's what they'd do.

The only people I've know that don't care about their childrens' life situations once grown, are those who never cared in the 1st place. Some people are insular that way - you are not. Hope situation resolves itself soon

Maybe he actually said he was going with his mates and OP assumed it was all lads

Im choosing to believe what op said is what happened, and commenting on that. If you doubt the OP's word about what was said/done, absolutely anything could have happened so there's no point commenting on anything at all.

Sakurasnail

If all we ever do is agree with the OP then there is no point in discussion forums.

I think your very kind hearted op

Sakurasnail but you are happy to say he lied? Honestly people rarely remember a conversation word for word even minutes later. Would you really remember days/weeks later if someone actually said mates or lads?

You are going the right way about alienating your son. I suggest you back off and let him live his own life.

The only people I've know that don't care about their childrens' life situations once grown, are those who never cared in the 1st place. I don't know anyone who cares about their children and puts the DIL first. My kids would always be my first concern. Shame if my DIL is unhappy if they split up but as far as I'm concerned by son being in an unhappy marriage is a price too high to pay to make DIL happy quite apart from the fact that in the long run it would be better for her to find someone who will love her as much as she loves him.

Boney I have not said otherwise.
peach yes, because I'm going on what the op stated. I've said 'lied by omission' is more accurate, this fits with what op said.

I've no idea why the two of you are having a go, I'm entitled to an opinion the same as you and have formed this based on what op stated, not on what someone may or may not have said/thought/or assumed!

Sakurasnail

You stated that if we disbelieve the OP then there is no point in commenting. Either all opinions are valid or none are.

The OP has stated possibilities on her opinions on what may have happened. None of what she has said equals the truth of the situation, it could be the truth, it could be her projecting.

What will happen if she continues to tell her son off for living his life is that he will be driven away. This doesn't mean that she can't be friends with the ex, nor does it mean that she has to believe what her son has said, but it also doesn't mean that she is right in her assumptions.

Op stated what happened. She didn't say she thought he'd said it was a lads holiday, but could have remembered it wrong. Unless I'm very much mistaken.

It's probably unwise to interfere to the extent that you are trying to influence what is on Facebook that his ex might see. It may be well intentioned but it is not your place to decide, and as others have said there is the danger of alienating your son.

Yes he is an adult, but he is still your son, you are well within your rights.

He is being a shithead and he obviously has no responsibility and respect for marriage nor his family.

I’d go batshit if my adult child cheated on their husband or wife.
Just because he is grown up doesn’t mean he doesn’t need guidance.

the OP stated that he didn't seem to try to save the marriage and refuses to acknowledge the part that the female friend played in his decision.

neither of which the OP could possibly know.

Facebook wise, I would leave it, I wouldn’t say a word.
Let the ex see it and let rip on him, she will tell her friends, family, anyone who listens he cheated and he has now confirmed it to the world.

I’d go batshit if my adult child cheated on their husband or wife.

where does the OP say that he cheated?

You don’t give up on a marriage without trying the goods first.
3 months later he is going on holiday with her, it’s pretty obvious, if he wasn’t he is rushing into it... suggesting he was at least having an emotional affair