Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my adult son?

174 replies

theresnoonequitelikegrandma · 25/03/2018 11:41

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

OP posts:

Sakurasnail · 26/03/2018 22:14

the OP stated that he didn't seem to try to save the marriage and refuses to acknowledge the part that the female friend played in his decision.

neither of which the OP could possibly know.

I was referring to the lads holiday statement though, wasn't I.

Vangoghsear · 27/03/2018 09:49

I think you are unwise to expect to continue to have a relationship/friendship with DiL. If your son has decided he no longer wants to be with her then it is going to continue to create tension between you and your son if you behave as though she is still part of the family.

peachgreen · 27/03/2018 09:57

You don’t give up on a marriage without trying the goods first.

What a load of absolute rubbish. Lots of people end marriages without having an affair.

llangennith · 27/03/2018 10:29

OP you really need to back off. Your DIL was only in your life because your DS married her. It’s sad the marriage ended but what do you or DIL gain from continuing this ‘friendship’?
If your DS has lied to you it’s because you’re so interfering and disapproving.
You risk your relationship with your DS by not supporting his choice. He’s done nothing wrong.

Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 11:13

He’s done nothing wrong.
Whether this is correct or not, op doesn't have to give up a friendship just because her DS no longer wants a relationship with that person . She's a person entitled to friendships with whomever she pleases, which is what some ppl are implying about DS and his 'friendship' with this female who happened to be on the 'lads' holiday...

peacheachpearplum · 27/03/2018 11:24

Sakurasnail she can be friends with DIL but if she continues with her attitude she might keep her friendship with her and lose her son. Her choice but I would never choose someone else over my own kids.

IrianOfW · 27/03/2018 11:36

I think that you are quite within your rights to tell him you don't particularly like the way he had behaved and that you are sad that DIL won't be in your family anymore. But that's enough. Leave it at that.

Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 11:43

Her choice but I would never choose someone else over my own kids.
Fair enough. Me either, but I don't see why it's any of his business who she's friends with, if it's apparently none of her business who his friends are. Seems a bit hypocritical.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/03/2018 17:38

but I don't see why it's any of his business who she's friends with, if it's apparently none of her business who his friends are. Seems a bit hypocritical.

I can't see where he has said that she can't be friends with the ex.

Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 21:00

boney a number of ppl have said it's not ops business that her DS is friends with this female friend. So why shouldn't op be able to choose her own friends also? I didn't say her DS had said she couldn't be friends with the ex. Why do you keep questioning just about everything I post?

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/03/2018 21:05

Sakurasnail

but I don't see why it's any of his business who she's friends with

This what you posted. No where has the OP said that he has questioned who she can be friends with.

Why do you keep questioning just about everything I post?

its a discussion forum.

Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 21:16

This what you posted. No where has the OP said that he has questioned who she can be friends with.
Yes I did. Not long after a poster had said in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be friends with ex. As I have just said, I never stated that DS said it. Did you have trouble understanding that?

Yes, but a discussion doesn't normally run along the lines of one person just disagreeing with one other person. And not actually taking on board what has actually been said.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 27/03/2018 21:21

I find some of the replies on this thread staggering. If this was OP's DH behaving like this and her MIL gave no shits, the replies would absolutely be different.

OP, you sound like a lovely Mum and mother in law. If my DS behaved like this, I would make it known that I was very disappointed with him too. If I behaved like this, my parents would quite rightly also make it known that they were disappointed with me too. Because they and I want our children to have good morals, as you do, and supporting them in every decision unconditionally is not helpful. If my DP did this to me, I would want his parents to take your stance too (they wouldn't).

peacheachpearplum · 27/03/2018 21:45

Behave like what? Ending his marriage? So you think he should just stay in an unhappy marriage. What else does the OP actually know that he has done, she thinks his colleague was part of the reason his marriage broke up but she doesn't know that. Because he went away with a group of friends and one was a woman? Are we living in the Victorian era? Mixed groups taking a holiday is hardly a crime.

Lookatyourwatchnow, would you seriously want your husband to be with you because his parents felt he should "try harder." Sounds pretty bloody miserable to me, for both of you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/03/2018 21:56

Sakurasnail

You said
"his business"

If you don't mean the OP's son then who do you mean.

Maybe the trouble in understanding is how you are phrasing the posts

anyway we are going round in circles, You seem to want him to have done something bad, I would like to have something more than gut feelings and projection.

So I will leave you to it.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 27/03/2018 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 22:31

boney this is what I was referring to. A poster who said it would cause problems if op remained friends with ex. I didn't think it should matter - why is it his business? If you don't get that, I don't really care at this point. You're just being obnoxious now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/03/2018 06:42

Sakurasnail

Its not obnoxious to point out that the OP's son has not said what you are projecting on to him.

From what the OP has posted he doesn't seem to mind if she is still in touch with his ex.

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 06:54

Aargh! boney, I never said that DS said it! I wasn't projecting anything onto him I was responding to the view of another poster, as I've already pointed out!

peacheachpearplum · 28/03/2018 10:06

Sakurasnail you don't know he has done anything other than end his marriage. The OP doesn't know, she thinks he has done something.

I don't think the OP can't maintain a friendship with DIL, I see my exDIL every week when I pick up/drop off GC but at the end of the day she takes second place to my son, I know it, she knows it and most importantly my son knows it.

What she would be unwise to do, if she wants to continue a good relationship with her son, is jump to the conclusion that he is the one at fault.

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 12:32

Sakurasnail you don't know he has done anything other than end his marriage.
I haven't said he has done anything other than what op has stated.

I don't think the OP can't maintain a friendship with DIL
That's your opinion. Valid in your circumstances. Other opinions are also valid.

What she would be unwise to do, if she wants to continue a good relationship with her son, is jump to the conclusion that he is the one at fault.
I think op has based her opinion on what she knows, from both parties involved in the marriage.

I'm not arguing peach. We may disagree on some things and that's fine.

peacheachpearplum · 28/03/2018 13:43

Well yes he should obviously do what his mother wants, acknowledge the part this woman played in his marriage break up even if he thinks there is nothing to acknowledge. He should try harder to save his marriage even though his mother and you have no idea how hard he tried.

That's your opinion. Valid in your circumstances. Other opinions are also valid. I said I don't think she can't maintain a friendship, I didn't say she had to, must do or couldn't, being possible means that other outcomes as well as opinions are possible. I think you are being argumentative for the sake of it now.

Judge jury and executioner. I will leave you and his mother to jump to all sorts of conclusions.

OP a good tip is if you stop being judgemental he might be more inclined to be open with you.

Ladywillpower · 28/03/2018 14:34

My adult children have had partners who have come & gone over the years, some I have liked more than others ces't la vie & all that!
If it cropped up in conversation I would mention that I thought posting the photograph was somewhat insensitive & if my son subsequently cut me off I would assume that their was a great deal more amiss in our relationship than me voicing a personal opinion about a fb post.
I also would maintain contact with DIL for the time being, doubtless in time everyone will move on & things will fizzle out of their own accord. If the relationship with the new friend carries on there will be plenty of time to get to know her in the future.

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 21:04

Judge jury and executioner. I will leave you and his mother to jump to all sorts of conclusions.
I really don't know where you are getting this from. I have projected no more than any other poster, have only stated what op has said, replied to another poster and have not falsely attributed any actions to DS which he has not done. Seems my crime is to have expressed a different opinion to you, don't think I called you names or insulted you though.

I think you are being argumentative for the sake of it now.
Actually, I was saying both opinions are valid, and trying to nicely resolve the argument you appeared to want to start.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.