To be so disappointed in my adult son?

[theresnoonequitelikegrandma]

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

Keep out of his life. He is an adult.
That's the problem with social media. When I was making most of my mistakes as a young adult, they were mine to make and sort out. My parents didn't have a clue what I was up to and neither should they have.

I think you were right to point out the insensitivity of it to him. You haven't interfered in his broken marriage or told him he should make things work with his estranged wife at all costs, you have simply pointed out to him that it would be considerate of him to remove this photo from facebook. Tbh your daughter needs a word too about liking the photo - again, rather tactless and unnecessary.

I agree with GreenSeeded observations about CF

He shouldn't be living (his life) to please anyone else

I disagree. It's incredibly tactless for him to be putting up pics with his new woman on social media. He only announced he wanted to split with his wife at Christmas. I doubt the divorce has even gone through yet.

If his mum wants to tell him he's being an inconsiderate arsehole then so be it. He's an adult. Understanding and consideration of other's feelings is important. Nothing wrong with pointing that out to him.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, and two people to break it.

You ve only got to look at the relationship topic to see that this often isn't the case. I don't think it's a bad thing to point out someone's poor behaviour , he's your son , however old, and you have aright to call him on it.

I think some of you must have more distant relationships with your family? Close families tend to discuss most things - even the uncomfortable things - without rancour

I'm with ILostIt There is nothing wrong with his mum telling him he is acting in a most unbecoming manner and that he needs to be more tactful, more considerate of the feelings of others.

If nobody ever loves you enough to tell you when your actions make you ugly you will be destined to be unloved and ugly forever! A mother should be the one who can point this out!

No wonder there are so many CF around. All this step away and let him crack on with life comments hmm

Yes, I'm imagining how different the comments would be if the OP was describing the behaviour of her DH. I suspect that most would be appalled. But because it is her DS it's apparently OK and she should but out?

Anyone acting like a CF should be pulled up on it and at least be made aware that his behaviour is inappropriate.

This^.
Sounds like he's lied about this female friend. At least he should have the balls to be honest, and the decency not to parade it around where his wife, family and friends (those who haven't already realised this woman had a role in the break up of his marriage ) will see it. He doesn't sound like a very considerate person, tbh.

Well if the OW(?) has tagged him that's not his fault is it?

Will it help his wife with grounds for divorce?

DD is right imo, you have to step back.
You can't help wishing DS had behaved differently but he is an adult - he leads his own life.

DIL will be better off in the long run, rather than being in a relationship with someone who no longer loves her. Hopefully like you she will meet someone else and find happiness.

Like others on here you need to stop projecting on to your ds.

If you keep pushing all you will do is push him away.

I'd be disappointed about the lies & the affair though.

I think you are being kind and sensitive about someone who has been an important part of all your lives and who is still, technically, part of your family. This wasn't a casual girlfriend, it is his wife, and the wedding was in the very recent past . That isn't over investment or interferring. I think, though , you can't query his decision to go or his feelings - no one ever knows what really goes on in a relationship except the couple, and you don't mention any children being involved.

It's a delicate situation - you don't want to be setting up yourself as seeming to be hostile to someone who may become your son's acknowledged partner, whilst not being indifferent to your DIL. The problem seems to be that the relationship lines aren't clear ATM ( maybe the tagging is a deliberate nudge) and I think they are going to have to muddle through this one on their own. My mother was furious with my brother for a similar move - there was a child involved - and it caused a schism in our family for a long time.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, and two people to break it.

Really?? So if one party is continuously cheating etc it's both spouses fault?
Or if one person just decided that they wanted out then both have "broken it"?

This is a hard one. I can understand why you are disappointed, but I was also in a very similar position.
I was in a rubbish relationship, but stupidly had no balls to end it and ended up married. Unhappy, but still no balls to end it. My friend at work was 100% just a friend, but realising I preferred spending time with him than my husband gave me the balls to end my unhappy marriage, a mere 18 months into it.
(Granted six months later I ended up in a relationship with said friend and we're now married, but at the time was just a friend..even tho no one believes me)

So don't judge too hard, just assume that his marriage wouldn't have ended if it was a happy one?

I think you are primarily reacting to your own previous experiences rather than out of concern for your ex daughter in law.

People make mistakes. They move on and this is what your son has done. I'm not too surprised he didn't tell you who he was going on holiday with. I'm with the poster who pointed out that he will be in your life moving forward but your former daughter in law may not be.

Is this really the hill you want to die on, OP?

The OW might well become your new DIL in time, I'd stay out of it as much as possible.

OP I had a mother like you.

She was beyond furious that I left my OH after two years of marriage- while he had terminal cancer and I fell into the loving arms of another man.

What she did not know was that my husband was regularly beating and raping me.

She told me to work harder at my marriage.

Stay out of it.

I agree with EasterBun

It's very difficult to remain detached when you have accepted a daughter in law into your family and built a relationship with her,
You must have great empathy for her having gone through a similar situation yourself.

I suppose you can remain on friendly terms with her but accept that she is no longer a part of your life because your ds has moved on.

I don't think you're over invested to pull him up on his lack of consideration in this situation though. That's not "taking sides" or meddling, just pointing out that he needs to be more sensitive.

OP, I don't mean this to sound harsh but this really is absolutely none of your business. Your DS is an adult, he is not answerable to you. Whether he is making good decisions or not, he is entitled to make them.

It does sound very much like you're projecting, which is understandable to a degree but you've overstepped the mark by messaging him to take the photo down. That's the kind of thing the parent of a child/teenager would do.

Similar to Sparkle I was in a bad relationship and fell for a friend. The amount of grief I got from other people was unbelievable and the lack of support from my parents (who loved the ex) hurt the most.

Looking back I am appalled I felt so guilty for so long. I was 26. Did people really want me to spend the rest of my life with someone who, despite being Mr Niceguy to the outside world, was actually pretty abusive to me when there was no one else around?

What I'm trying to say is, no one really knows the truth about a relationship except the two people in it.

Tinkly sounds very very similar actually! I was 26 also and first husband wad a complete wanker to me very regularly.

Part f my family still refuse to believe that I wasn't cheating. I now kind of think, whatever who cares. I'd rather have been a cheat than stay in that marriage to be fair!

I’m sorry history is repeating itself (and it is, ‘friend’ - yeah right).

You’ve done the right thing. You’ve told him you’re disappointed in how he’s behaving and you’ve now taken a step back. It’s all you can do.

There’s nothing to stop you remaining friends with your DIL, if that’s what you both want.

Speakout - did you tell your mother the facts? for you.