To be so disappointed in my adult son?

[theresnoonequitelikegrandma]

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

Additionally, my brother had pretty much the same situation except they weren't married but did have a child together. The new 'friend' has been his partner for 15 years now and is the mother of his further 2 children. Don't hate her before you even know her because she may be in your lives for a long time to come.

I don't think you're bu to be disappointed op. If his marriage was awful for whatever reason, as some ppl are trying to imply, it still wouldn't mean the right course of action is to get involved with another woman before ending the marriage, and blatantly lie/misdirect you about her role in the breakup and his continued association with her.
You've known DW for ten years, and are of the opinion that DS didn't try very hard to save the short lived marriage, and this woman played a role in that and was involved with him before and now after the breakup, which he doesn't acknowledge. I'd say you know what went on better than we do, and from that description he does sound as if he was having some kind of affair, or at least there was mutual interest resulting in the breakup of his marriage. I'd be disappointed too. I really don't know why ppl are saying it's none of your business, as all you've done is express your disappointment at insensitive behaviour. If the marriage/dw had been awful, I'm sure he would have mentioned something rather than let you continue to have the wrong idea.

Sakurasnail

I'd say you know what went on better than we do

And yet the OP doesn't know anything, she has made whatever she thinks she knows to fit a narrative that she wants to believe.

My DIL has been in our lives for 10 years and I have no intention of losing touch with her until she wants to. He has obviously stopped loving her but we haven’t.

You haven't mentioned children so I assume they didn't have kids? In that case her familial connection to you ends with their divorce. Then by all means keep her as a friend if she wants that too, but your DS will move on with someone and she may be the one he starts a family with. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

And yet the OP doesn't know anything, she has made whatever she thinks she knows to fit a narrative that she wants to believe.

She knows what he has done to work on his marriage, that the female friend was in the picture and somehow played a part in the breakup, and that her DS has lied about the presence of this woman on a 'lads' holiday. I'd be sad if my children were lying to me about a possible ow/om involved in their marriage breakup and subsequent relations. Maybe she is assuming this woman was involved, but if not, why is DS being cagey and lying about her?

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear what happened to you with your EXP, no one should go through that.

I appreciate where your heart is and your consideration for his ex partner. But you are an outsider of their relationship, marriage doesn't mean what it use to and you don't know all the gritty details of their relationship. His ex partner will have her family, your son will need yours. Regardless of the reason for his separation, he will have gone through low points too and maybe a lads holiday is a way to help. Who are we to judge?

I would be in disbelief personally, if my Mum messaged me to ask if I could take down a photo of my holiday because my ex partner might not want to see it. The truth is, if the ex partner doesn't want to see it, they shouldn't be on their Facebook. Once a relationship is over, a clean break (including not Facebook friends), helps the healing process and minimising damage in the mean time.

There are times where I think suggesting that family or friends might want to be a bit more considerate or thoughtful is not a bad thing. It is your son's life, as others have pointed out, but I certainly can think of instances where people really do need a polite reminder to be more sensitive and thoughtful. To be honest I wish my ex's mum would give him a wee chat about his thoughtless behaviour, I think his actions could lose him his relationship with our daughter, so I respectfully disagree with some of posters who think you should never 'interfere'. You don't want to nag or negatively affect your relationship with your son, but even adults need a few words from time to time. Although your situation doesn't involve GC, correct? Sometimes when people are acting badly you could be doing them a favour by pulling them up on it. At the end of the day though, your son is more important to your life than your DIL, so just say your piece politely and reasonably one time, then maybe it is best to let it go.

I’d be pleased that your son is strong enough to leave a relationship he isn’t happy with, esp since no children are involved. We should all try this.

Maybe the woman at his work has played a part, but it’s safe to say it would be another woman at another time.

I don’t see what the son has done wrong here. He’s gone on holiday with some friends without telling his mum exactly who was going. He didn’t even post anything on social media. A holiday after a break up isn’t a bad idea.

I think it’s ok to involve yourself in your adult children’s life, but don’t scold him for a good decision he has made in regards to his future.

My DP's sister sent him a similar message to the one you've sent when he started tagging me in pictures. She got popped right back in her box and she deserved it.

And I agree with pp that it's so patronising to assume the ex is sitting mooning over his Facebook pictures having lost her one chance at happiness. She's a young childless single woman - very unlikely she's not at least dabbling in dating by Easter if she separated from a short marriage at Christmas. She's in a very different situation than you were, getting left with two children, by the sounds of it.

I think it's fine to tell your son what you think of his behaviour. He can't go through life behaving how he likes with no repercussions.

Your daughter needs to learn some empathy too. What she said to you about letting go etc was very rude.

I think it's fine to tell your son what you think of his behaviour. He can't go through life behaving how he likes with no repercussions.

It's none of the OP's fucking business though, what repercussions?

OP, congratulations on having integrity. It is a rare personality trait these days. I also agree that it does not take 2 to make a marriage fail and people should be pulled up on their behaviour.

There isn't much you can do about it though TBH. Let him get on with it but don't enable his behaviour by giving him any help with money to blow on his travels or anything like that.

The thing about repercussions is they work two ways. If OP values her relationship with her son then she should be careful about how much she pisses him off pecking his head about decisions that don't involve her. And also about how he perceives her attitude towards his potential new partner.

As has been pointed out, the exDIL is very unlikely to want to maintain the same level of relationship with OP long term that she had while married to her son. And even if she does, again, OP will have to deal with the effect that that has on her relationship with her own child. Or children, since it sounds like her DD will very much take her brother's part.

what repercussions

I know someone who got married and then left that person shortly afterwards because they didn't really want to get married in the first place. They told me they just wanted to have their day. The repercussions of this are:

Both parents are 25K less well off.
I spent 6K getting my family to that wedding from Australia
Lots of other people spent lots of money getting there. It was a very flash affair.
The partner was devastated and had a very bad time afterwards
The couple lost lots of friends over it.
The mental health of both bride and groom and one of the parents I know was badly affected afterwards over it.

All because that person has no integrity.

Sakurasnail

She knows what he has done to work on his marriage

Unless she was there for every moment she doesn't.

that the female friend was in the picture and somehow played a part in the breakup

This could be anything including just giving advice.

and that her DS has lied about the presence of this woman on a 'lads' holiday.

Given the OP's reaction to the woman I am not surprised that he lied and as he is supposedly an adult why does he have to tell her?

I'd be sad if my children were lying to me about a possible ow/om involved in their marriage breakup and subsequent relations.

The main word there is possible

Maybe she is assuming this woman was involved, but if not, why is DS being cagey and lying about her?

Seeing how much is being projected from her own relationship I am not surprised that he is not telling her everything.

My STBXH left for OW 9 months ago. They went "live" on FB 8 months ago. My MIL was devestated that he could be so callous and announce they were together to the world so soon after he had walked out on our 20 year relationship and children.

She apologised for his post and he took it down. I wasnt that bothered to be honest especially as some friends got some little digs in about his infidelity amongst all the congratulatory comments from their running friends but his Mum said it was disrespectful and it has a ripple effect on the wider family

How very dare a MIL show any concern whatsoever for her DIL!!!!!

Onion Knight he's her son and she has a relationship with her DIL, they're family. So it is her 'fucking' business. When you divorce someone and go off with someone else after ten years and no remorse, the repercussions are damaged relationships.

I think the op may be having an issue because she suspects her DS is lying to her.

My son is too young for an ex wife but if he did this and it did turn out that he had been having an affair and was lying that this woman was just good friends then I would not like it at all. How many times is it advised on here that people should leave and not get entangled with someone before.

People do fall out of love and break up it's sad but it happens all the time, it's how it's ended that counts. It would be the lying that I would loathe.

Onion Knight he's her son and she has a relationship with her DIL, they're family. So it is her 'fucking' business. When you divorce someone and go off with someone else after ten years and no remorse, the repercussions are damaged relationships.

If, god forbid that I divorced my wife and my mum got involved and insisted that I'd not tried hard enough etc then quite rightly I'd tell her to fuck off.

If I left my husband and was being a dick about it with another man, my mum would wonder what was happening. She has a relationship with my husband. We all get along and like each other.

You obviously have different relationships if you're so quick to tell each other to fuck off. That's fine, you do you.

I'd be rather unimpressed at anyone telling their mum to F off. It's a very unpleasant way to talk to anyone, never mind your mother who brought you up. A bit of respect is in order. If my DDs said to me, 'Mum, there's a lot you don't know, could you back off?' that would be fine, and I've said that to my DM before.

There's never an excuse to use the F word.

Why shouldn't the son lie to OP? She isn't his wife. You really really really don't have an obligation to tell your mum as soon as you start seeing someone. Really.

The OP doesn't know, no one outside the marriage knows how hard he tried, how unhappy he was, how reasonable/unreasonable his wife was. I've been married twice when my first husband got someone pregnant, in our bed I might add, I told no one. We spent alot of time trying to make a go of things but in the end couldn't.

My family loved him, I was to proud to admit what he had done and anyway I like my privacy and don't see why I should justify myself. The fact that he was included in my family events meant I couldn't attend. I was told so many times that I was the unreasonable one. Eventually I told my mother they could all make a choice, I was prepared to walk away from the all. They chose me but to be honest the damage was done.

Given the OP's reaction to the woman I am not surprised that he lied
boney I knew it wouldn't be long before someone spouted that old tripe

and as he is supposedly an adult why does he have to tell her?
Doesn't have to tell her everything, but he doesn't have to lie, which is pretty disrespectful. I hate being lied to, as do (I'm pretty sure)many others.