To be so disappointed in my adult son?

[theresnoonequitelikegrandma]

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

Speakout that’s an awful situation, but you’re projecting.
OP is telling her son to be more sensitive, not rub the ex’s face in it.
She’s not telling him to ‘give it another go’.
It’s good advice, and works for relationships, friendships, colleagues whatever.

@theresnoonequitelikegrandma

I see both sides of this. And I think you sound like a genuinely lovely, sweet lady. Many women would love a MIL like you.

However, although you have concerns, it is, of course, not your business (don't mean to sound rude saying that!!!) He is an adult and has to make his own choices in life. And also, you can ASK him to 'untag' himself from the pics with this woman, but you can't really insist.

And although I agree (with a previous poster,) that 'it takes two to make a marriage fail' in some cases; it is not necessarily so in ALL cases. And I am suspicious that this is purely down to your son, and I bet his wife has done nothing wrong.

Sorry to say this about your son, but from what you have said, he sounds like a selfish, self centred immature little shit. I reckon that he and that woman he has CLEARLY been having an affair deserve each other. She knows he is married/with someone, and yet still has this nasty little fling with him. Nasty. They are both assholes, who, as I said, deserve each other.

BUT there is not a lot you can do, except be their for his wife.

My husband's cousin (Pete) was a total shit like this, and 20 years back, he cheated on his G/F of 5 years (Jane - who he lived with,) and dumped her callously, by bringing his NEW WOMAN to a wedding that he and his girlfriend had been invited to. Just rubbing her nose right in it, by telling everyone at the wedding that he and 'Jane' were finished, and this was his new woman. Jane was devastated, and ran crying from the wedding (though she knew deep down that he was cheating.)

Jane stayed friends with Pete's mother, and it REALLY pissed him off. They had gotten very close over 5 years, and his being a bastard was not going to cancel out that friendship. They are still friends now- after all this time, and HE has been through 3 relationships since (lasting 5, 7, and 3 years..... the 7 year one he was married to, but cheated on her with the next one who he spent 3 years with...) What a twat.

So feel free to stay friends with his wife. Fuck him. He is a selfish twat.

Oh and yeah, YANBU to be disappointed in him! Don't cast him out of your life obviously, but let him know you are pissed off with him, and as I said, feel free to stay friends with his wife. It's got sod-all to do with him if you stay friends with her. (If she wants to stay friends with you obviously!)

And no, you are NOT being 'weird' or nosey or intrusive, and you don't sound like you are 'projecting.!' You have every right to comment, and be disappointed in him. You are his mother FFS! Pay no attention to the posters shooting rude and negative comments at you.

I also doubt if this woman will end up becoming the future 'Mrs' either, as it probably won't be long before he starts doing the dirty on her.

Good luck. Hope it all works out OK.

@speakout and @tinklylittlelaugh, I am sorry you went through a bad time with your DH, but it is VERY unlikely that what happened to you is happening to the OP's son! I reckon he is just a selfish little shit who wants to have his cake and eat it. I agree with a pp that the 2 of you are projecting..

I think your attitude is in danger of damaging your relationship with your Son, if he pursues a long term relationship with his friend.

It is insensitive. But it could be doing his ex-wife a favour by making it clear that he's moved on.

If you see the ex, just say that you thought he was being insensitive, but ultimately, she isn't your family and it wasn't a long marriage. People make mistakes and have the right to move on.

I think that there is some projection going on, you are assuming you know how is ex feels. For some reason ex-Wives/GFs are always treated as though that was their one shot at happiness and given ongoing sympathy, which is very patronising and belittling.

Also, they may have got married because things were going stale, i know lots of couples who have done that.

He and his ex are too young to stay in a marriage that isn't working.It sounded as though they were becoming incompatible, which happens when you are together from under 25, you hit 30 and think "is this it?".

Kimanda Well obviously everyone, yourself included, is projecting. That's what people do on these threads.

But I would always back my kids. I remember my family wanted to invite my ex to my sister's wedding. I had to put my foot down and basically make them choose if they wanted him or me there.

Does the OP really want her son to stay in a loveless marriage? The mistake was getting into it, not leaving it surely. If it's done, then it's done.

Surely it is your DS ex wife|?
What is? The woman in the photo? I don't think he has an ex wife as well, that wasn't mentioned - just the one wife he separated from recently!

@tinklylittlelaugh Nope, not everyone here is projecting. I certainly am not. But you are .

Exactly the same thing happened with my son, and a few years on he's engaged to his "friend" from work. They're very happy together; she's great with his kids and he seems much happier than he ever was with his ex-wife.

kimanda you have decide the OP's son is "selfish little shit" based on your husband's cousin Pete being a twat.
You are projecting like a bloody iMax. Have a bit more self awareness.

I'm also certainly not projecting, either.

But, you are entitled to end a relationship if it isn't working.

Butt out OP, your ex DIL won't give you the time of day once she has moved on and if you carry on you'll damage your relationship with your son.

I am not projecting. Just giving an example of another selfish little shit, and how it probably IS the OP's son's selfish fault, and not his wife's.

Keep telling yourself I am projecting though, if it makes you feel better about yourself hun.

You are projecting like a bloody iMax.

This is gold

I am not suggesting anyone is being beaten or raped- I'm simply pointing out that there are two sides to every story.

In my case

1. Inlaws viewed me as a heartless cow leaving my terminally ill husband /having an affair with another man.

or 2.
Me finding the strength to break out of being a battered wife, and yes finding solace in the arms of another man.

Yes it does zzzz.

You can just block him rather than leave fb. I only have close friends and family and people with a shared interest. It’s a great way to keep in touch with people so why throw the baby out with the proverbial

The standard line on this forum is you do n’t need a reason to end a marriage, and that’s all the op son has done.

projecting like a bloody iMax

Spot on.

He's a grown man. He's ended his marriage. He's free to date other people - and certainly free to tag other people in Facebook photos! His ex can block him if she doesn't want to see. Absolutely ridiculous of you to get involved.

I love these people who tell you that YABU.

YANBU in the slightest. You can be as disappointed as you like with your son. It must be hard to have raised someone and them watch them treat someone badly and you don't have any control over it.

It seems to be the perfect way to shut someone down on here to say You're projecting.
Hearing different posters share their own experiences can only be helpful in getting some perspective from all angles really. I think it's interesting to hear about nasty cousin Pete. What a sod

It's natural,to feel disappointed when your son's marriage broke down. No doubt you have invested time and money in their relationship, and welcomed dil into,family.

Now the situation has changed. You asked what you can do. You need to support your son in his decesions, even if you don't agree with him. As others have said, you don't know,for,sure why his marriage broke down. Maybe his head has been turned by his new friend, but it's happened.

You don't have to cut dil out of,your life and cans till remain friends with her.

watch them treat someone badly and you don't have any control over it.

But you are projecting.

This guy was unhappy in his marriage and got out. We don't know the details. Maybe the ex was a disagreeable person.

It really wouldn't bother me if my son did this.

Better to split than stay in an unhappy marriage.