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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my adult son?

174 replies

theresnoonequitelikegrandma · 25/03/2018 11:41

I posted around Christmas time about my DS who had decided that his less than 2 year marriage was over and how sad I was that he didn’t seem to have tried to save it and was refusing to acknowledge the part that a new female ‘friend’ at work had in his decision. He moved out and into a flat share with 3 new friends (male) and then announced that they were going on a long haul lads holiday together.

Today he’s been tagged on fb in a photo...by his female ‘friend’ and I am just so disappointed. His flat mates are also there but he did not at any time mention that she was going. I have messaged him because his wife is also on fb and I feel it’s insensitive for her to have to see that and I want it taken down. So AIBU? I know he’s an adult and I do want him to be happy but this just hurts.

My DD thinks I am over reacting because my exH (their DF) left me for a younger model who was ‘just a friend’ at work and as that was 20 years ago (and I’ve now been very happily married for 15years) she thinks I should be like Elsa and let it go.

Anyone understand how I feel? What do I do? TIA

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/03/2018 13:48

Exactly Ilostit we are all filtering our views through the lens of our own experience. We are all projecting.

We all have our own take on situations partially based on our own lives and it is helpful to look at other perspectives.

But a bit daft to completely discount the ones that differ from your own.

BrendasUmbrella · 25/03/2018 14:07

You know what the situation is, I'm sure his ex knows too. But there's nothing to be done. He wanted to leave her for this woman and he did. At least hopefully he ended the marriage before children were involved. And there's every chance OW will be his plus one to family events in future so it's best to be diplomatic and stay out of it. (My tolerance for diplomacy would decrease dramatically if he did waltz out on children...)

Lizzie48 · 25/03/2018 14:10

I understand your being disappointed in your DS, OP, but it really isn't your place to become involved tbh. I'm reminded of my DSis's ex MIL, who told her DS (DSis's abusive ex) that he would kill his DF if he broke up his marriage. His DF was an army veteran who was hardly likely to be that distressed by a marriage break up.

It could have been a recipe for disaster, as her DS was actually violent to my DSis and it would only have increased the resentment if he'd stuck with his marriage because he was afraid it would kill his dad.

My DSis resolved it by filing for divorce herself.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 25/03/2018 14:29

I think that you want to try to keep a positive relationship with your DiL, but worry that seeing those photos will affect it. They may do, but I don’t think your adult son is going to change his mind because you would like him too.

I don’t think you’re over invested either, but disappointed in him. I guess that if you want to keep a positive relationship with him too, you need to leave him to make his own mistakes if that’s what it takes.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but adult children will plough their own furrow.

Mybrows · 25/03/2018 14:34

The friend tagged him in a photo. He hasn't done anything insensitive or... anything! He's just gone on holiday with friends, including one you suspect him of having an affair with because she's female.

His only 'crime' here is that he (an adult) did not tell his mum that there was going to be a female friend on holiday too. If you want to know WHY he didn't tell you this info then just re-read your op. You can look forward to a future of him shutting you out more and more from his life if you carry on like this - especially if he does end up in a relationship with this female friend.

iheartmichellemallon · 25/03/2018 14:54

YANBU Op - I'm not surprised you're disappointed in him at all.

Original poster
theresnoonequitelikegrandma · 25/03/2018 15:47

Well, he is very angry either me because apparently she is his ‘best friend’ (after knowing her 4 months) and absolutely nothing else and I am spoiling his holiday with my outrageous assumptions so I have told him I’ve unfollowed him on fb and that should be the end of it. My DIL has been in our lives for 10 years and I have no intention of losing touch with her until she wants to. He has obviously stopped loving her but we haven’t.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 25/03/2018 16:04

OP you going the right way to lose your son if you carry on stripping like this.
It's none of your business if his marriage has ended and none of your business who he goes away with.
You are "betting on the wrong horse here" by taking sides with your exDil and alienating your own son
Your last sentence actually made me cringe.

HonkyWonkWoman · 25/03/2018 16:05

Stripping = stropping 😬

peacheachpearplum · 25/03/2018 16:11

Did you really want him to stay in an unhappy marriage? Would that be fair to him or her? Let them both find happiness with the right person but be aware that if you are seen to be taking his ex's side then it will damage your relationship with him.

BrownTurkey · 25/03/2018 16:16

I’m sorry, but unless they have dc, it is not your place to keep a relationship with her (of course be kind and let her know you care about her). He’s your son, you have to keep him.

My friend was so upset when her sister left her ltr, snd started a new one straight away. We had all been friends with her ex for ages. But it was her sister, so she couldn’t choose sides, she was already on a side.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/03/2018 16:36

Did you really want him to stay in an unhappy marriage? Don't think OP has posted anything to suggest that! Just that she does not find his current thoughtless behaviour acceptable!

I would have assumed she is disappointed in his lack of thought... I don't think I could assume she wants him to stay unhappily married!

peachgreen · 25/03/2018 16:47

I was with my ex for 10 years. My DH was with his wife for 8 (married for 2). We would both find it very odd if our families were still in regular contact with our exes, given there were no children involved. I suspect our exes would also find it weird tbh.

Choosing your exDIL over your son's potential new partner can only end in you losing your son.

Relationships end. It's sad, but it happens, and everybody moves on. You need to as well.

peacheachpearplum · 25/03/2018 17:05

CuriousaboutSamphire well maybe I didn't understand but all the stuff about how sad she was he hadn't tried harder gave me the impression she wanted them to stay together. Maybe not.

iheartmichellemallon · 25/03/2018 17:18

Sounds to me like Op didn't want him to behave selfishly, not stay in an unhappy marriage. Nothing wrong with that.

5plusMeAndHim · 25/03/2018 17:20

You were not party to their marriage OP, you don't know what went on behind closed doors.

iheartmichellemallon · 25/03/2018 17:29

No one ever know what goes on behind closed doors but still no need to make things so public on Facebook with his new girlfriend.

He / his friends can obviously do what they like but Op is entitled to feel how she feels & make her feelings clear to him.

It's also nice that she's not cutting her DIL out of her life immediately, given it's been 10 years for her also & if her son expected that, then he's not a nice guy & again, Op can feel disappointed with that too. Just as she can't tell him how to feel, he can't expect her to feel anyway other than she does also.

diddl · 25/03/2018 18:42

I think you need to be careful with the accusations Op.

hairycoo · 25/03/2018 18:51

but still no need to make things so public on Facebook with his new girlfriend. But the ds hasnt actually said this is his new girlfriend. In fact the ds has been at pains to point out that she is in fact only a friend. Its the op who has assumed as fact that the new friend is dps girlfriend! Whether or not they are together is irrelevant, tagging one another in a single photo is certainly not publicly declaring their undying love for each other.

peacheachpearplum · 25/03/2018 19:11

What hairycoo said.

peacheachpearplum · 25/03/2018 19:13

Sounds to me like Op didn't want him to behave selfishly, not stay in an unhappy marriage. Well why mention him not trying hard enough? How does she know how hard he tried. I know someone who split up 2 weeks after the wedding, just realised it was a terrible mistake, so 2 years doesn't mean he hasn't tried.

Branleuse · 25/03/2018 19:16

way to alienate your son. Let your DIL go. Youll be ripping the plaster off slower for her

threeelephants · 25/03/2018 19:21

My mother can be very overbearing and interfering, but even she doesn't meddle in my relationship issues. It is absolutely nothing to do with you!

If he was attracted to another woman during the marriage then surely ending the marriage was the decent thing to do? He could be shagging this other woman on the side and stringing his wife along instead.

No-one has to remain in a relationship if they don't want to, for any reason.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 25/03/2018 19:29

No one would be ageeing with the OP if she was policing what her adult DD was doing after a break up.

lifechangesforever · 25/03/2018 19:34

As someone who also has a mother who is too concerned with what I post on Facebook, which comments I like and which I choose to respond to, PLEASE stop now.

Yes, it's not a nice situation but it's his situation and his social media, not yours - he can post what he likes.

All it does with me and mum is cause arguments. Social media 'etiquette' is different between generations. I wouldn't notice if someone liked or didn't like one of my posts/someone else's post but my mum seems to look out for these things - which is what you have done by noticing DD has liked it and the implication for your ex-DIL.

You will end up driving him away and I'm not trying to be horrible here, although I appreciate it probably sounds mean. Blush

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