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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should have introduced themselves?

365 replies

Uhuhhoney · 24/03/2018 23:44

Ive just moved into a new houseshare.

When i was moving my stuff in i heard one of the flatmates rummaging in the kitchen so i went downstairs and she scuttled back to her (downstairs) room. Hmm i thought... anyway, i was then making food this evening and hwr boyfriend came in and said im Courtneys boyfriend (me having no idea who she is). They're now chatting really fucking loudly downstairs and i feel like it would be awkward to go and make a brew.

Aibu to think shes been rude to deliberately ignore her only (new) flatmate!

OP posts:
rascallyrascal · 28/03/2018 14:43

Stupid question, is English her first language? If it's not she may not be confident in it enough to hold a conversation?

ToftyAC · 28/03/2018 16:30

I’ve lived in a host of HMOs over the last few years and, yes, it is bloody rude not to introduce yourself to a new housemate. Sadly we lived with some miserable shits like this from time to time. On the other hand she might get the stick out of her arse and unbend after you’ve been there for a few weeks. Good luck!

TomRavenscroft · 28/03/2018 17:57

Sakura, are you having a laugh? Do you not think she IS being rude? Replying to 'hey how are you, nice to meet you im honey' with just silence, a bit of a smile and a nod? Wouldn't you think it weird if someone 'greeted' your introduction like that?

I think she sounds like a weirdo, OP. Have you got any other options?

Pengggwn · 28/03/2018 18:08

Some people just like to keep themselves to themselves.

HermionesRightHook · 28/03/2018 18:43

I think she's being rude but it also sounds like she's possibly extremely shy. From her point of view, if she's shy or anxious, she may be retreating into herself out of nerves. It's an upheaval in her living conditions to have a new person, too, and it might make her react like this and she'll come round when she's used to you being there.

That's not to excuse her, btw, because she is being rude and unwelcoming, I'm just trying to offer an insight into how the behaviour is about her and not you. I would carry on with your cheery friendly hello as you did before and hope she gets over it.

MrMeSeeks · 28/03/2018 19:32

Not hard, even for a shy person.
Maybe it’s not hard for some people, others it’s not that simple.
I Hate new people.
I’ve lived with people i didn't get on with and avoided them, even not eating to avoid seeing them.
Even worse when they had friends i didn't know over!
I’d try to be social, but if it’s was a bad dY for me i could see myself avoiding you, and then it getting worse because i’d avoided you lol

Booboo66 · 28/03/2018 19:32

Definitely have a word with the boyfriend and find out why she’s acting this way (and report back here)

Original poster
Uhuhhoney · 28/03/2018 19:34

She advised the room on spareroom, we spoke on there, she organised viewing - but landlord showed me round.

Its not unusual to have houseshares with people you dont know.

I think she's being rude. Before i asked her how her day had been making a brew and she blanked me, and her boyfriend answered.

Im probably going to ask her if she has a problem at some point... im not gonna live like a pariah in a flatshare where i pay nearly a grand a month!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Uhuhhoney · 28/03/2018 19:36

Im a shy person, but when you live with ONE other person, you have to force yourself to make an effort.

I wrote a note that she totally ignored...

OP posts:
MumsTheWordYouKnow · 28/03/2018 19:51

Yes rude, but learn a lesson, this should not affect how you behave. Ignore the fact she did this and behave like she should have done. Introduce yourself and be friendly. Don’t let someone else’s issue become yours.

Echobelly · 28/03/2018 19:55

I find in these situations it's always best to assume the best of people, eg that she's shy, not rude, and it'll 100% be better than assuming she's rude and snubbing you. I'll never cease to wonder at the mess people get themselves into starting with unnecessarily negative assumptions. Not saying you are being like that, just that trying to see things neutrally/positively makes life so much easier!

Ifeelsuchafool · 28/03/2018 20:36

Yep she is rude. And weird. DD2 has crippling social anxiety but even she would have said, "Hi, I'm IFSAF DD2 these are your kitchen cupboards and these are your shelves in the fridge. I'm usually out by 9am and don't usually return until around 6ish. If there's anything you need to know while I'm not here, I've left my phone number on the table. Please text rather than ring as I find it really hard to speak with strangers as I'm in lectures all day. Hope you settle in ok." Before fleeing to the comfort of her room with palpitations!

Eveforever · 28/03/2018 21:09

Like a lot of things, social anxiety is on a spectrum, so maybe she has a really severe case? If it is anxiety related she probably feels it's too late to introduce herself now because she's let it go on too long so she's blown it. It's interesting she manages to hold down a relationship with a boyfriend though...

You just keep being polite. As long as she doesn't make trouble I would just try to ignore it, be courteous and settle in to your new home! If it's really unbearable though, you might to look for somewhere else, you can make people be friendly I'm afraid.

helpconfused · 28/03/2018 21:20

Can she understand you? What I mean is does she speak the same language as you? Perhaps she doesn't and not easily able to understand you?
Or is she deaf and can't lip read? If she didn't answer you when stood in front of you?

Just thinking outside the box for other suggestions but probably wrong!

You really need to ask the boyfriend!

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 21:25

Sakura, are you having a laugh? Do you not think she IS being rude? Replying to 'hey how are you, nice to meet you im honey' with just silence, a bit of a smile and a nod? Wouldn't you think it weird if someone 'greeted' your introduction like that?
No I don't, actually. I've experienced social anxiety badly in the past, it's not just a case of being 'shy'. If she were rude, she would have ignored OP's hello, not acknowledged it with a smile and nod.
I'm not saying this is the case, but just as an example, I've got tremendous amounts of shit going on from various sources atm. If someone says anything nice it makes my stiff upper lip wobble. You just never know, but I can see circumstances which would indicate she isn't being rude. It's a bit depressing so many ppl are quick to judge her when she actually wasn't rude when they actually met.

Ikanon · 28/03/2018 21:28

Do you wonder why there was a spare room...?

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 21:28

It's interesting she manages to hold down a relationship with a boyfriend though...

This could be her 'safe' and understanding /reliable person though, you can still have good close relationships with social anxiety, which is usually more of a difficulty with new ppl/strangers. I had a dh and DC with it, so it's not a reason to doubt possibly having social anxiety.

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 21:31

I wrote a note that she totally ignored...
If she had totally ignored it, wouldn't she have left it on the table?

Eveforever · 28/03/2018 21:40

Sakurasnail I realise the way I worded that made it seem as though I was simply questioning whether she could have social anxiety because she has a boyfriend, which to be fair I was to a degree. However, I was also thinking to myself that people are complex and it's just surprising that people can be such a mass of contradictions. My own daughter has social anxiety, but seems to have no problem finding a boyfriend and maintaining a relationship (she's on her third long term boyfriend), but something as seemingly simple and everyday as talking to a bus driver or shop assistant is very difficult for her.

Original poster
Uhuhhoney · 28/03/2018 22:04

Ive just found a list of dos and don'ts om the kitchen worktop... no friends staying overnight etc.

Dont understand as she listed herself as sociable on spareroom Confused

OP posts:
Eveforever · 28/03/2018 22:09

Listing herself as a sociable person, then ignoring you? Um, yeah that sounds strange.

Surely she can't dictate whether or not you can have guests? Any other special dos and don'ts?!

YellowFlower201 · 28/03/2018 22:10

She's can't tell you what to do. She's not the landlord.
I'd invite a friend to stay for Easter.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 28/03/2018 22:11

Does her bf not stay overnight ever then?

Moominfan · 28/03/2018 22:12

Past the point of rude it's odd. You live together I'd want to be on friendly terms with my housemate.

ArchchancellorsHat · 28/03/2018 22:12

I take it the boyfriend always goes home at a sensible hour then and never stays over or leaves his coffee cups in the sink? It all seems so strange.