To think they should have introduced themselves?

[Uhuhhoney]

Ive just moved into a new houseshare.

When i was moving my stuff in i heard one of the flatmates rummaging in the kitchen so i went downstairs and she scuttled back to her (downstairs) room. Hmm i thought... anyway, i was then making food this evening and hwr boyfriend came in and said im Courtneys boyfriend (me having no idea who she is). They're now chatting really fucking loudly downstairs and i feel like it would be awkward to go and make a brew.

Aibu to think shes been rude to deliberately ignore her only (new) flatmate!

Wow! She really is rude!

Hope you sort it out!

Unless you want to move I'd be the bigger person here and would just write a note saying that you hope you can put everything so far behind you and start again by being civil, as it's not going to be pleasant living in a house with an atmoshere. That it needs to be a case of live and let live and it's nice that you both have boyfriends so are in similar circumstances.
Then don't try to interact or engage with her. Don't bother with having words or getting your bf to have words. Don't avoid her as such, but just be pleasant and polite when you need to, but keep the interaction short and sweet. Kill her with kindness but don't mention the situation which is what she wants. Don't feed the drama llama. Just be bright and breezy.
I'd also think about finding somewhere actually nice to live but I'd do it in my own time. Don't engage with the crazy.

How many flatmates has she had? Has there been a quick turnaround of people? I think you should have a talk to the landlord, find out what the rules thing is all about. If they are LL rules you should have been told about them before agreeing to take the room, if not then ignore them. Who made her queen of the house?

Jessie - I agree the landlord probably won't give a shit but it covers the ops back if she wants to break her contract to escape early (and as much as she doesn't want to - personally it's not a fight I'd bother having. Who wants to feel on edge in their own home?)

Plus if the lls had issues letting out the ops room you never know they might put two and two together.

ll may say 'oh we never had a problem with her' , - they may lie.

@Sakurasnail

No i didnt pre judge her. In fact i came on here because i thought maybe i was asking too much of her...

You seem really angry for some reason.

I work in mental health settings and i would never use MH against someone.

Your posts imply that i have singled her out being a bully, but really she is in the wrong. I appreciated your POV and tried to connect saying hi, writing a note. I was not the one who excluded her.

This thread isn't for you or point scoring. This is my life and i needed advice. Your approach is aggressive and i feel you should just leave it now instead of picking apart posts making out like im the one who made her feel uncomfortable.

This thread isn't for you or point scoring. This is my life and i needed advice. Your approach is aggressive and i feel you should just leave it now instead of picking apart posts making out like im the one who made her feel uncomfortable.

I'm not point scoring. How would that even work?? I stand by my comment on v few ppl even considering that mh/social anxiety /spectrum disorders could be the cause of her behaviour as described in your initial posts. As I recall, after you mentioned the rules list I did agree it was odd and I also said after the slag conversation that I must have been wrong (with my initial view). How is that being aggressive?

However, at this point I had been accused of projecting, etc, and I don't see why I should back down in my opinion just because someone else disagrees and gets nasty and personal towards me about it. If you see that as aggressive so be it.

If you do work in mh, I'm surprised you didn't consider this in your posts when the vast majority of ppl were just labelling her as rude. Surely you must realise the wide spectrum of behaviors this could cover, and would be more sympathetic towards someone who obviously has difficulty interacting with a stranger. And if you did have this knowledge and experience, why ask the mn masses, who would obviously have much less experience than someone working in the field? It's disappointing to see v little consideration of non NT behaviors, esp as a few ppl with relevant experiences (not just me) have tried to explain how this would impact the situation.

Good luck with working out your housing situation.

As I recall, after you mentioned the rules list I did agree it was odd and I also said after the slag conversation that I must have been wrong (with my initial view). How is that being aggressive?

Well, you also said this;
mummy yeah, thought the updates would go that way.
what exactly did you mean by that?

What do you think I meant motoko?

She does not sound shy if she is prepared to confront you about her perception that you are breaking her rules. She appears to have made an opinion on you, which can only be based on the way you look, if she hadn't even had a conversation with you prior to being standoffish. So that with the comment about coming onto her boyfriend, might suggest she is threatened by your looks or he made a comment about you looking like a nice person or something positive about you and she is that insecure that she is reacting in this immature and wholly unacceptable manner. I think she is going to cause you trouble but just kill it with kindness; it will take her a lot of energy to keep this level of awkwardness up.

@Sakurasnail

But you seem to forget that i was nothing but friendly to her? Its not like i was laughing at her behind her back or being a certain way to make her feel uncomfortable.

Please don't assume that i didnt approach this in a non judgemental way. She presented herself as a certain social type in messages and then made me feel very uncomfortable. I have no issues at all with MH problems - i have body dysmorphia and am a recovering anorexic. This made me very unsocial, but not rude.

As i said, you seem to have made an opinion that i dont appreciate mental health problems (odd, as ive dedicated 6 years of university study to it), so maybe you should consider removing yourself as youre making me feel bad when im not the one who called someone else a slag and ignored them in their own house. So much for understanding...

If you read back, you will see that I did not say you did not appreciate mh conditions, I did wonder however, why you did not show any appreciation that this could be a contributing factor in her behaviour. Body dysmorphia and anorexia present in very different ways to social anxiety, as you are no doubt aware. If you did indeed post any reference to considering her behaviour in these respects, please direct me to that reference and I will happily stand corrected.
As to making you feel bad, I can arrest (and I think did mention much earlier in the thread) that the dismissive behaviour towards possible mh by most on this thread is the reason I have continued to post. That has made me uncomfortable, and the sole reason for my latter posts. You know, the accusatory ones, after I had already agreed the list was weird, wished you well with things, etc. So much for understanding, indeed.

Oh, and just for the record, I wouldn't agree with calling anyone a slag either. And at this point I think I said I must have been mistaken( about it not being rudeness caused by issues I raised). I see you have ignored all that though.

Wow, i do agree in part with sak in that some earlier comments ( poss not by you though) were very dissmissive of m/h as i stated i may well have been the same, there is no excuse for what she has said to you.
She had no right to call you a slag for simply speaking to her bf.
She may well have m/h problems, however that does not excuse her behaviour towards you.
I would go about my business as usual, and ignore her.
Keep a note of any hostile comments, or behaviour that she makes towards you though, incase she goes back to the ll.

@Sakurasnail

You changed your tune halfway through the thread after you said i was being as rude as her, and to get on with my life. For all you knew, i could have had social anxiety and felt uneasy sharing with someone i didnt know.

Some comments relating the MH and rudeness i did not agree with or reply to. Specifically because they cause mass arguments.

And no, the effects of BD and anorexia cause social avoidance and anxiety about interacting and isolating yourself from people because you are nervous they'll comment on you. I developed severe panic Attacks about eatibg in front of others, people talking about food, or mentioning my weigjt. And i was in uni when these things were happening, and managed to say hi to flatmates, so maybe from my own experience, i wouldnt have immediately assumed ignoring someone was a MH problem (which, funnily it seems it isnt).

And for your reference i said:

I do understand it's hard for some people to be social! But i think 2 days without so much as an introduction is a bit aloof.

Meaning some people are anxious in social situations.

Honey, what is happening in the flat today?

What do you think I meant motoko?

How about you answer my question first?

She may still have m/h we don’t know that, or she maybe an unreasonable person, or she maybe both.

Hope you are okay today Honey and that matters are calmer for you. Please don't feel you have to justify yourself to Sakura or divulge or share more than you wish about your own health issues.

I think it says a great deal about this poster that promoting their opinion has taken over your thread about your issues with your new house share. If you don't like the way the thread is going Sakura then please leave rather than argue over every minute detail which is beginning to sound like goading. I notice the op has not been back for a while.

@Uhuhhoney
Has she been nicer or avoided still?
I've been in your shoes but I had 4 other housemates, 2 of whom were a couple who never came out of their room.
Hope you've had a nice Easter!

What happened today honey and have you talken to ll

Talked to ll silly ipad

You changed your tune halfway through the thread after you said i was being as rude as her, and to get on with my life. For all you knew, i could have had social anxiety and felt uneasy sharing with someone i didnt know
Up to that point you were judging her based on your perceived avoidance of her. Nothing really evidentiary, so if you and others could accuse her of being rude based on that, it is true the other way round also. You spent a disproportionate amount of time deciding she was rude without actually introducing yourself either. You left a note and decided it was rude that she'd seen it (as it disappeared) and not come to introduce herself within a short period of time. When you both happened to be in the same place at the same time, you said hi, she smiled and nodded. All up to this point the actions of someone who may have social anxiety or lie on the autistic spectrum. Yet I do not remember you considering anything other than her being rude. Again, direct me to a post in which you even mention this as a possibility, and I'll happily stand corrected. I do understand it's hard for some people to be social! But i think 2 days without so much as an introduction is a bit aloof. Some ppl would avoid it for much longer, two days is nothing.

As I recall, I 'changed my tune' at the next update in which you mentioned the house rules. Which did not fit my explanation of social anxiety. However, I'm still getting comments from posters while explaining ow mh etc could have caused the original issues. Why, when I subsequently agreed I must have been wrong, wished you well etc, I don't know.

As you know if you have studied for 6 years on the subject, social anxiety would not have the same root causes and therefore cause the same difficulties in socializing with ppl that would be caused by bd or anorexia. It seems any attempt I've made to explain in relation to this thread has been ignored or belittled, so I'm not going to continue to try. Obviously there are many ppl who explain these things better than I do, if you're interested, look it up.
elsie, this is partly for you, I'm not goading, I'm attempting to address those comments I feel were unfair regarding possible social anxiety /mh etc. I'd be out of this conversation right now if op hadn't decided to address a snidey post to me after I had (not for the first time) agreed housemates later behavior was weird, agreed my first thoughts must have been mistaken based on updates, and wished op well. It's odd to me that the thread has gone this way, as I've been primarily replying to other ppls having a go at my comments explaining the my issues back from the latter half of the thread, there was no reason for op to then pick up and have a direct go at me for defending myself to others. I had drawn a line under it at the comment where I wished good luck or whatever, op decided to revive the thread by a personal attack on me, and seems to be completely ignoring the parts where I have agreed, commiserated, and wished her well.

so maybe from my own experience, i wouldnt have immediately assumed ignoring someone was a MH problem (which, funnily it seems it isnt).
Isn't that why you said you posted here though? To get opinions? Obviously mine didn't fit with the collective and I've had snide comments from certain posters since. Up to a point, it could have been. Past a certain update I agreed it prob wasn't, so why are you still perpetuating the idea that I am deliberately at odds with you?