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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:
Dangerousmonkey · 24/03/2018 20:44

"How was Jane's birthday party yesterday?" Then silence.

Sirzy · 24/03/2018 20:47

Could it be that she is struggling to settle into school so has focused on inviting people from the new school to help?

TheBrilliantMistake · 24/03/2018 20:48

Maybe it's her daughter who didn't want to invite yours and she's embarrassed about it? (unlikely I know).

Other than that, double check and make sure you're 100% right on this.

Then, there's no point in making a scene, what will it achieve. Have the party, let the other girl attend, then just let the friendship fade. Job done.

DairyisClosed · 24/03/2018 20:50

For all you know they may not have been a to afford to invite a lot of children and you DD was lower down on the priority list than say their cousins a orbest friend?

KarmaStar · 24/03/2018 20:51

@Dangerous Monkey,got it spot on

Pompom42 · 24/03/2018 20:52

If it was me I'd have to say something. It'd eat me up. Probably not the right answer but part of me feels that if you don't say anything they are getting away with it.
I'd have to say something but still let her DD come to my DD party

Aprilmightmemynewname · 24/03/2018 20:53

Have you 'liked' the pics? She needs to know you know!!

ZoeWashburne · 24/03/2018 20:55

Ehhhh she told a white lie to defuse an awkward situation. You don’t know if it was a limited number and so she decided to only invite girls from her school. In fact, with a small number, she may have focused on her budding friend group from her new school.

Sure, the mother didn’t handle it in the best way, but no need to go mama bear and call the daughter a CF! That is ridiculous.

You said so yourself that the girl can choose to invite who they want and at 10 they shouldn’t be hurt that they can’t go to everything.

It sounds like your daughter doesn’t really care, and you are overrreacting. Just say to the other mum ‘you know, I understand that we can’t be invited to everything. There was no need to lie about it. That hurt a bit.’

choseausername1 · 24/03/2018 20:56

Just ask how the party went. Then carry on as usual.

If Jane has recently moved schools then it could be an effort to get Jane better ingratiated there. Bit clumsy by mum not to have explained it, but if you just ask how the party went without saying anything else you may get an explanation without confrontation.

choseausername1 · 24/03/2018 20:57

Intergrated... not ingratiated.

My phone has demons.

NoSquirrels · 24/03/2018 20:57

She should have had a quiet word about how it was awkward but this year your DD wasn’t invited for whatever reason.

Instead she lied about what was going on today.

You are sure it was her birthday party & not the basketball thing?

IAmWonkoTheSane · 24/03/2018 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5plusMeAndHim · 24/03/2018 21:02

I know how you feel, but you can't say anything without looking likea psycho mother

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/03/2018 21:03

Ah I see they both have birthdays very close to each other and your DD has beven left out of her best friends party. Of course you're upset and angry. You wouldnt be a mother ifor you weren't. You will get people on saying. "They can't be invited to be every party". Yes we know that, but. You don't expect to get ostracised from your best friends birthday party and Then for them to have the audacity to put photos all over Facebook. Does your DD know or have you not told her about the party.
Are her and Jane as close as they used to be. Mind you, even so
I do think you are within your rights to say to the parents. I /we saw Janes party pictures on Facebook. .I/we were a bit upset that Sophie (had to call her something) wasnt invited. Is everything okay. However I'm sure people will be along in their droves to say. " "You'll just have to suck it up.
I'm sure if the boot were on the other foot. Janes mum would be just as upset as you are

bonnyshide · 24/03/2018 21:06

'Looking forward to seeing my you and DD's birthday party tomorrow, I'm so happy the girls have stayed so close it means a lot to DD. I'm just updating my diary, when is Jane's birthday party?'

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/03/2018 21:07

I think though these are the type of things that you have to speak your mind about. These things often have a habit of coming out in the end, anyway.
Usually after a few double vodkas

Camiila · 24/03/2018 21:10

so Jane didn't invite your child to her party? so what? Why is this even being raised as an issue? Its her choice, she chose not to, for what ever reason, and she doesn't have to give you a reason. YABU

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/03/2018 21:13

Camiilas post well and truly proves my point.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 24/03/2018 21:14

Just out of interest OP, did you enquire as to when 'Jane' was having her party , as you obviously knew her birthday was around the same time as your DD?

whereverialaymyhat · 24/03/2018 21:14

" Of course you're upset and angry. You wouldnt be a mother ifor you weren't. "

Confused

I wouldn't be angry or upset over this.

Last time I looked I was still a mother.

whereverialaymyhat · 24/03/2018 21:15

I don't get the "Pull Her Up" thing, either?

What are you, her boss.

Back in your box with you.

Camiila · 24/03/2018 21:17

What are you, her boss.

exactly she has done absolutely nothing wrong, she has done something you don't like, but buts not up to you, and none of your business, and your ridiculous reaction goes a long way towards explaining why she didn't want to be upfront with you about it.

Nothing to pull anybody up aboout

diddl · 24/03/2018 21:18

Perhaps when she asked she didn't know taht her daughter wouldn't want to invite yours?

LookyLooky · 24/03/2018 21:18

I wouldn’t 'pull her up on this'. It was a bit daft of the mother to lie about the basketball party if that what she did (I’d wonder if the basketball party happened before or after the girls party). but I don’t think there is anything wrong with the friend not inviting your DD to her party.

The friend goes to a different school so it’s quite possible she wanted to invite a group from there. It’s totally differen5 from the friend joining your daughter as she was presumably a former school mate of the girls at the party.
This would honestly not bother me and I would have explained to my kids that I think there can be a good reason for it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/03/2018 21:19

Yep i did warn you op. The suck it up gang will be out in force. .

I'm going to say this Wether people like it or not. I'm sure some posters must be on here just to kick people when theyre down.