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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 24/03/2018 23:13

The only thing the mother did wrong is lie about the basketball party.

But given your ott response, via your op, I'm not surprised she did.

Since when did you have to invite every single person who's ever invited you to their party, to your own? Since never. Invite who you like.

Of course she'll come to your dds party tomorrow, because she was invited. That's how it works. It isn't cf.

I can't believe the number of posters who agree with you.

Yabu. And a bit potty.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 24/03/2018 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchend · 24/03/2018 23:21

If she's recently moved schools and just forming friendships, then I think it's quite reasonable to think having an old friend there may be unhelpful. Because unless Jane is fairly sociably mature then either Jane is going to stick with Op's dd which won't help the new friendships which she is trying to gain, or will ignore Op's dd, which would be worse than not inviting her.

The only thing wrong is ideally she would have explained this to the OP, but by the sound of it she might well have flown off the handle about it, so I understand why she may have chosen not to.

Original poster
MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 23:23

I suppose an internet posting can only reveal so much about a poster - needless to say that none of my friends or family would ever recognize this description of me as OTT, angry, potty or any other of the lovely adjectives people have used. Ho-hum.

OP posts:
Hotdoggity · 24/03/2018 23:29

I think the key thing here is that she did mention it originally. She wouldn’t have mentioned it at all if she didn’t plan on inviting your DD - so I agree that it’s come from her DD and she’s embarrassed.

Boulshired · 24/03/2018 23:33

Like other posters, I can totally understand why the mother did this, at this moment in time it is important that the child cements new friendships, the party being the perfect opportunity. The dynamic changes if she has a friend there. The mothers mistake is not confiding in you. I would understand this.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/03/2018 23:36

The other mother might have just wanted to avoid a clash so that her dd could go to the ops dds birthday, hence asking the time. That's understandable.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/03/2018 23:39

An internet posting can only reveal a bit about a person, but when you use 'I'm really angry ', 'really pissed off' 'cheeky fucker' and 'pull her up on this', because your dd hasn't been invited to a birthday party, it doesn't mark you out as a particularly relaxed character.

Ariesgirl1988 · 24/03/2018 23:45

@MrsGloop I wouldn't confront her directly as when you say it out loud it sounds petty but I get that its more the lie rather than the fact your daughter wasn't invited. Why not just go on fb, click like on a few of the pics and say looks like you all had fun Smile and leave it there, that way she will know you know she lied and will most likely feel embarrassed by the fact she's been caught out and she can't get pissed off at you as you were technically polite about it

Allthewaves · 24/03/2018 23:48

Are they still good fronds though if they only see each other every other wk?

Mother has handled this very badly and yes I'd be hurt for my child BUT I have been to a couple of girls parties where they have invited a close friend not from school (when majority people at the party are school friends) and the non school friend had monopolised the birthday girls time as they don't know anyone else - perhaps this is a factor.

It would have been better to have a chat with you first and explain esp as your sort of friends too

01nicknameless · 24/03/2018 23:50

Yanbu. Janes mum has handled this badly and you have every right to feel upset.
I do get what other posters are saying about cementing new friendships, but surely janes mum needs to make sure Jane has the opportunity to make and maintain varied friendships in and out of school. Janes mum should have been honest about why your dd wasn’t invited, then perhaps invited your dd over seperately for birthday tea/cake on a different day.
It’s polite and Courteous to make the effort to maintain friendships that you value, and janes mum hasn’t done this.
I think it speaks volumes about how much she values her relationship with you and that of your daughters when she was willing to lie and could so easily be found out on social media.
I wouldn’t say anything now, you have made your point with the comment on Facebook and fair play to you for that.
I’d just cool things off.

mellicauli · 24/03/2018 23:50

Maybe your daughter's friendship is dwindling. Understandable when the other girl moves schools. But why sacrifice your own friendship over it, if you like this Mum?

bTw - it might have been a birthday party where only the basketball team got invited. My son wanted one like this for his football team.

gdaymatey · 24/03/2018 23:56

I think lying and not extending any curtesy about why your dd wasn't invited was very poor form. I don't understand people on here saying there's nothing to be annoyed about. There are certain ways you treat friends and show respect for other people - what she has done is not in the realm of that.

I would just distance myself as a friend tbh. It says a lot about how she perceives your friendship and that of your dd. You don't need to be second guessing your friends.

gdaymatey · 24/03/2018 23:56

*Courtesy

RomaineCalm · 25/03/2018 00:04

I understand why you feel hurt but trying to be kind I would suggest that Jane's mum is trying to do something to help Jane fit in with a new bunch of friends and perhaps handled this a little badly.

I'm not sure why Jane moved school but maybe there are other issues that you're not aware of.

Please don't call her out publicly on FB, you won't look good. If Jane comes to DD's party tomorrow be kind and welcoming. You may get a chance to chat to your friend about it at some point at which point you might be able to be more honest about how you felt.

AjasLipstick · 25/03/2018 00:07

My ten year old DD recently chose not to invite a good friend to her birthday party (also not in same school)....they have regular sleepovers and days out together but DD didn't want her to come because she is very full-on and DD felt that her schoolfriends and this friend wouldn't mix well.

I allowed it and we had another smaller event to which the friend was invited.

It's her choice probably OP....the DD's I mean.

grumptastic · 25/03/2018 00:20

Yanbu. I would be hurt in this situation too. She mentioned it in front of your dd implying that she would be invited. Then she lied about the party today. I would be pissed off with this too. I understand that jane may have changed her mind or perhaps the mother did for all the good reasons pp have mentioned but she could have told you and saved alot of hurt. That would anger me to be lied too and see my dd needlessly hurt when a simple text would save so much upset.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/03/2018 00:21

If Jane is only inviting friends from her new school it would have been difficult if your dd was there and didnt know anyone else. This would mean your dd would have potentially monopolised janes time when it was important for her to bond with her new school friends.

The mum probably felt a bit awkward not inviting your dd as they have been close so told a little white lie.

If you want to continue your dds friendship with Jane I’d say nothing other than maybe tell the mum it’s ok and suggest the two girls do something together.

Banterbus28 · 25/03/2018 02:04

Life is far too short to be bothered by this.

So what? As long as none of the kids are upset does it really matter?

cherrytomato51 · 25/03/2018 02:06

I definitely think a lot of this has been blown out of all proportion but can understand why the OP is hurt on behalf of her child. (Whether the child gives a toss or not, you are still hurt on behalf of your child)..
I personally would go with the FB comment. I would "Like" the photos and would probably say something like "And a good time was had by all", lots of smiley faces and kisses!!
Then you DONT mention it, just get on with your kid's party and make sure she has a good time. If you think Jane's mother is sneaky (or words to that effect) then let your friendship with her go.

XXXXX

ohfourfoxache · 25/03/2018 02:10

I’m not sure I’d be classifying the mother as a friend anymore.

Definitely time to start keeping your distance

Bundlesmads · 25/03/2018 02:16

Are you sure that she is not having two parties? One with her new schoolfriends and another with old school friends?

It would make sense to me as that would allow her DD to make new friends.

Huntinginthedark · 25/03/2018 02:19

I doubt very much this was the mother’s doing sadly
And the mother probably just didn’t know what to do.
We all look after our own.
Can you imagine any mother who’s friends with you not wanting your dd to go to her dds party?
It’s almost entirely come from your friends dd and she just probably felt very awkward about it.

HuskyMcClusky · 25/03/2018 02:23

But yes, my DD is very hurt that she wasn’t invited.

How does your DD even know that the party happened? Confused It was only this morning, and you only know because you saw it on Facebook.

Daifuku9 · 25/03/2018 02:28

I agree with what grumptastic said.
A friend doesn’t feel the need to lie, white lie or not.
Since the party was discussed in front of your daughter, and it was the impression that she would be included, Jane’s mother should have been an adult and let you know that Jane just didn’t want to invite her this time.
I doubt it was a worry of an “ott” reaction, as she wouldn’t have then posted the picture where you could see it on FB.
Since you commented on the picture, I don’t think you need to say anything. She may even mention it now that you left a polite comment.
The friendship will progress or it won’t, as it would in any case. Hope your DD has a great time during her special day.