To Pull Her Up On This?

[MrsGloop]

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

so Jane didn't invite your child to her party? so what?

^ I think OP is particularly hurt because she was blatantly lied to, if the friend didn't think she was doing anything wrong why the lie?

I would mention it but I might present it as "This is awkward, but I saw Jane had her birthday party yesterday... has there been an upset between the girls that I don't know about?"

This means you make your point without it being "Why wasn't my DD invited" whereby the mum may just focus on that and say how you can't invite everyone etc. At the very least it gives you a chance to judge her reaction to see if the mum really is a CF or if there's a genuine reason. Even if she gives a flimsy reason you will be able to tell if she looks genuinely bad about it or not.

I think the reason might be that she probably wants Jane to get in with her new school friends and worried about it not mixing well if she includes old friends, not only for the double numbers but also because Jane might gravitate towards her old friends when she could be building bonds with the new girls.

However it was very bad form of her to ask about a date clash and actually mention Jane's party. If it is to build bonds with new girls and/or numbers and expense, then she should have had a party but still had your DD and whoever else is close over for a special sleepover or cinema trip or bowling or something.

If she has moved schools she has probably just invited new friends and wants her to build on those friendships which is hard to do with a long standing friend there too at that age.

Nothing personal at all. I wouldn't make it awkward, the mum was in a difficult position, she could have handled it better, but she was trying to spare your feelings.

"I think though these are the type of things that you have to speak your mind about. These things often have a habit of coming out in the end, anyway.
Usually after a few double vodkas"

You just sound weirdly combative and like you have never experienced a genuine problem in your entire life if this is the kind of thing you like to go around causing argey bargey about.

Grow the fuck up.

I suspect its a moving school thing where she is struggling to settle and her mum may have felt having your DD (and any others) may have been awkward

So the question is in the pcitures did you recognise any from your school

if the friend didn't think she was doing anything wrong why the lie?

I think the OPs outraged and wronged response would be a very good reason to lie - Jane's Mum obviously knows her well enough to see that coming

Oh course you are Yanbu to be hurt by this.

It is not "shit" you are posting. There are plenty of people in the world who don't give a shit about other people's feelings and about being a decent human being. You can see a few of them are on this thread already!

However you cannot "pull her up" on this. What you need to do is keep a dignified silence but then adjust your relationship with Jane and her mum accordingly. Once children are no longer in the same school friendships do drift (ime) so try not to be too bothered by it.

I'm guessing that it is the lying part that bothers you and yes, I'd have to ask her about it. I was really hurt when my friend left my son out of her son's birthday celebration. The children are close but I didn't say anything as it's her son's choice. I would though if she'd have been dishonest about it as I think that's very different.

I imagine OP is more concerned that her daughter will be upset, having missed the party.

I imagine OP is more concerned that her daughter will be upset, having missed the party

Ah, ok thanks, you're right, you do need to use your imagination there becayse she fails to mention it in her op, is focused only on herself and says she doesn't know whether she's more pissed off about the mum asking about the dates or lying to her.

Silly us.

How would it be better if Jane had turned down your DD's invitation, or if her mum had not checked and they'd clashed?

My DD sometimes invites out-of-school friends, sometimes not. Depends what she's doing, how big a party she's having. Last year it was limited to the space we had in the car. I can see why you're upset but I think the best way forward is encouraging your DD brush it off, and not give it any headspace. You don't know the dynamics of how splittable the group is at her new school or how close Jane now feels to your DD.

Well if we're going to look at this through the eyes of 10 year old child of course she's going to be upset that she wasn't invited. How would any of our 10 year old selves have felt.

I was taught that it's the height of bad manners for someone to expect to be invited to an event, second only to asking why they weren't.
Have manners changed so much? Is it cultural?

Christ, some pretty aggressive posts here!

I don’t think YABU to be cross at being lied to. It’s rude of the other parent to insult your intelligence by lying to your face when obviously it was going to come out on fb!

On the other hand, people can behave very strangely when confronted with an awkward situation.

However, the likelihood is that if you mention it with, you’ll be seen as being “that” parent by the rest. Unfairly maybe but such is the way playground politics go.

So Jane's mum asked you when your DD's party was and actually said it was so she could schedule Jane's party on a different day?

Then she didn't invite your daughter, and lied about what was happening?

What an idiot. Her prerogative to invite whomever but fuck me, she is gauche. Entertain yourself by watching her reaction when Jane inevitably mentions her party. Heh heh heh!

Is your daughter bothered?

Op's daughter probably will be upset that she missed "Jane's" party-so her mum needs to help her not feel bad about it.

Don't get involved in kids' friendships.

That is bad...sorry but I would def say something and the fact she lied is worse.

Surely Jane gets to invite who she wants? Your daughter is someone she used to see regularly but now only sees at choir. She probably has new friends she sees every day and, for the moment, thinks of as closer friends. And. Do you know for sure that the girls at her party weren't from Basketball? Could it have been just a group of friends from that interest? Mother might not have been totally lying..

I wouldn't raise it with her personally, I can see why you're miffed, but it's up to them.

The fact that she asked about dates makes me think she intended to invite your dd. Could be a number of reasons that didn't happen. Perhaps the girls aren't as great friends as you think they are, which is fine. She's moved schools and has a new group of friends I assume. I'm betting this is Janes decision. Her mum is probably quite embarrassed. I know I've felt awkward when I've assumed my ds loved my friends children and he actually didn't. It caused a couple of minor issues at the time.

As for the lie, again, embarrassment and awkwardness maybe. And if Jane's mum is a 'good friend' as the OP says, she would have absolutely been able to foresee the OTT reaction this was going to cause from the OP.

I'm not sure you should pull her up on anything, from the title I thought you were talking about a child! You have no right to pull up another adult on the invite choices of their child.

Having said that, I'd be pissed off in your situation as well. I think it will be pretty galling of them to turn up to your DDs party. I'd have to say something casual like "I saw the photos on FB, Jane looked like she enjoyed herself." Just so she knows you know. Hopefully an explanation would then be forthcoming.

Yes we all know you shouldn't expect an invite, but when children are good friends, have birthdays close together, discuss dates so they don't clash and one is invited to the other, it's pretty shitty to leave the other friend out.

My goodness, so many responses!

I’m on my phone so cannot respond to specific posters but to answer a few comments/questions:

1. As I said, I understand that Jane can invite who she wants. But yes, my DD is very hurt that she wasn’t invited. It was only two weeks ago that she had a sleepover at Janes house and the party discussion took place. To me at least, there’s a distinction between birthday party friends and sleepover friends. My DD has lots of friends but only one or two that we would invite to stay overnight.

2. yes, it was definitely a Birthday party and not just a party with the basketball team, iyswim.

3. Petty or not, I did respond to the FB post commenting on how fun that particular venue is for birthdays.

4. “Pull her up” - no, I’m not her boss but if someone clearly lies to me or is rude to me, I think it’s absolutely appropriate to “pull them up” on it.

5. My reference to CF was to my friend, not Jane.

6. Money and/or a restricted guest list is not an issue.

7. As a few posters said, it’s the lying, after discussing the party in front of my daughter, that I’m pissed off about. Regardless of the reasoning, I would have expected a quick text explaining that DD hadn’t been invited because of x, y and z. She’s a close enough friend of mine that I would absolutely have extended that courtesy to her.

8. as for my extreme, dangerous reaction I haven’t firebombed my friend’s house or told her never to darken my door again. Rather I’ve posted on a message board about how others might respond...

I'd fume silently and distance myself from them.