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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:

Dancinggoat · 27/03/2018 09:25

May be her daughter just wanted to invite her new friends. This is normal and she wants to work on these friendships as she's probably still trying to find her place in the new group.

May be the Mum was embarrassed your daughter wasn't invited and lied out of not knowing what to say.

Friendships evolve. Don't worry about it.

StoorieHoose · 27/03/2018 09:46

I wouldn't have asked my DD if she wanted to attend the summer camp. I would have made that decision for her. Your DD wont be able to form new friendships if she is still expected to be there when Jane wants her to be there but not good enough for her party.

Although my DD is gobby enough to ask why she hadn't been invited to Janes party while she was at her party!

athingthateveryoneneeds · 27/03/2018 09:57

What an odd situation. I would encourage my DD to cool off the friendship, too.

Mikklehaha · 27/03/2018 10:13

ZoeWashburne

Ehhhh she told a white lie to defuse an awkward situation. You don’t know if it was a limited number and so she decided to only invite girls from her school. In fact, with a small number, she may have focused on her budding friend group from her new school.

^ This^

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/03/2018 10:14

@mirandasings I don’t think she’s getting a hard time - she’s just not getting an echo chamber.

I don’t people are a bunch Janes or Janes mum....simply appreciate that you can not choose whose party you get invited to. You are not entitled to be invited!

For all we know OP’s daughter could be a CF at times! I’m not saying she is...just we don’t know.

To be honest it sounds like their friendships is drifting apart - it happens. It sucks - but it happens.

Mikklehaha · 27/03/2018 10:14

Dancinggoat

May be her daughter just wanted to invite her new friends. This is normal and she wants to work on these friendships as she's probably still trying to find her place in the new group.

May be the Mum was embarrassed your daughter wasn't invited and lied out of not knowing what to say.

Friendships evolve. Don't worry about it.

And ^this too^

Chocolatehamper · 27/03/2018 10:52

Op I think you were absolutely bang on!!! Jane’s mum was being two-faced, hadn’t got the backbone to apologise and tried to soft soap her way around you.

Fair dues to you for fighting your daughter’s corner for her - she’s too young to understand the machinations of diplomacy and Jane’s mother is immune to them.

I hope that I would always follow your example where my kids are concerned, I certainly wouldn’t pay any attention to those who seem to think that you owe something to Jane and her mother rather than your own daughter!

StoorieHoose · 27/03/2018 10:54

but surely if Jane's mum thought their friendship was good enough to go to a summer camp then the OP's daughter is good enough to be invited to the birthday party?

I get that friendship evolves but the Ops daughter isnt just going to sit at the end of a string waiting for jane to decide to do something with her instead of her new friends?

Awhoosh · 27/03/2018 12:14

I think normally I wouldn't say anything. But with the summer camp suggestion, I would maybe say "not sure about camp as DD was a bit upset she wasn't invited to Jane's party - I can understand Jane might want to just have new school mates but it would've been better if jane had mentioned to DD in advance"

Is it possible that the mum feels she handled it badly and is trying to make it up without saying so? In which case it might be worth trying to clear it up now? Otherwise friendship is kind of over. If that's what you want, fine - but maybe worth trying to sort out now?

(Also possible the mum is oblivious and just really tactless!)

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2018 12:17

I cannot stand anyone excusing the mothers behaviour, it was pretty shitty to do that to a child who was very close to her dd, and she was certainly not discrete about it. To act if everything is normal, due to op response to her text, I think she knows op is quite rightly upset about it. Good on op for having her dd back, somtimes some things have to be dealt with by an adult, and this was one of those times when it needed to be in op hands.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2018 12:20

Especially ensuring that her dd got to go op dd party, whilst excluding op dd from friends dd, and texting back that her dd had a lovely time at her dd party and would they like to do camp as if nothings happened. Meanwhile op dd has accidently seen the pictures and his quite rightly hurt, if my ' close friend' did that to me, they would not be my friend anymore.

JuJu2017 · 27/03/2018 12:24

I’d feel exactly the same as you, OP. Personally, I’d be really confused as to why Jane’s mum went to all the trouble of checking when your daughter’s party was when she knew along your child wasn’t going to be invited to her kid’s birthday party. If there had been a fall out between the girls or a reason not to invite your daughter, why would she want her daughter to come to you? It doesn’t make sense that your daughter wasn’t invited imo. And considering you’re supposed to be friends, if there was a reason for it, such as limited funds, wanting to invite friends from school, I’d have expected her to explain it to you and not lie. White or not.

rumbelina · 27/03/2018 12:34

I'm friendly with a couple of mums from school - we go for coffee every so often - and would find it really odd if this scenario had occurred and they hadn't mentioned anything.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/03/2018 13:10

To me this smacks of OP daughter's birthday party being a convenient time slot where Jane's mum needed a babysitter for Jane while she did something else, hence why she stop and speak to OP who is supposed to a friend.

And as for the summer camp that says to me yet again Jane's mum needs someone to help 'babysit' her daughter.

willynillypie · 27/03/2018 13:17

I wouldn't be able to just say "DD is busy then", I would feel the need to explain why she wouldn't be going with Jane to summer camp!

LifeBeginsAtGin · 27/03/2018 13:30

Text back 'if I had known my DD wasn't invited to your party I would have withdrawn the offer to ours. Well I know where I stand in future.'

Banterbus28 · 27/03/2018 13:42

I am still not unserstanding the whole point?

Who cares?

It's a child's party.

Banterbus28 · 27/03/2018 13:44

OP you're teaching your DD to be spiteful and to take everything personally. You don't know thw full story and tbh what another family decides to do is of no concern of yours.

HuskyMcClusky · 27/03/2018 13:44

Text back 'if I had known my DD wasn't invited to your party I would have withdrawn the offer to ours. Well I know where I stand in future.'

Really don’t, unless you want to look like a teenage drama queen.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2018 14:25

No she is not Banter she is teaching her daughter not to be treated badly by friends. The decent thing that this mother should have done was to have a word with op before, that she is having a party for just her dd school friends, and will do something nice for the girls for friends birthday instead. No she found out what date the party was, made sure it did not clash so that her dd could attend op dd party, and then sneakily had her dd party on Choir day, lied that it was a basketball party. Then posted pictures on FAcebook for all to see, so that when op was looking on it, her dd accidently saw them and was hurt. Now who is spiteful then!!!!!

Wonkydonky1 · 27/03/2018 14:51

I have looked through all of this post, for me if OP and Janes mum have become good friends I'm suprised Janes mum never mentioned what her intentions were about Janes party and at least give OP the heads up about who has and has not being invited, if anything just because they are good friends and to ensure no misunderstanding, ill feeling, etc.
Having left it vague it has opened up a can of worms.
No OP's daughter doesnt have to be invited nor should the invite be expected but by skirting the issue and not being up front is just odd behaviour in my opinion I would prefer a friend who had the backbone just to say why OPs daughter wasnt invited, I would have respected her more for it. Under OP's circumstances I can empatise with her feeling the way she does it would make me question why a friend wouldnt want to just be straight with me.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/03/2018 15:36

Just as a slight different perspective. I moved schools for year 6 (so aged 10). A lot of my friendships from my old class drifted, especially by about Christmas. I kept in quite close contact with one "best" friend (who I had known from before we even started school) but even then didn't tend to mix the two. In the midst of it all though I was actually a bit mixed up and confused, feeling that I didn't fit in properly with either group. (Although I was definitely the type of child an outsider might have described as "gobby".) Jane's mum hasn't behaved well, especially the lying, but things might not be so great for Jane either.

Missuseff · 27/03/2018 16:33

Well said @aeroflotgirl, on all of your posts. So many judgy judges on this thread. Meow!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2018 16:48

Thanks Miss why the secracy of the other mother, unless she knows what she is doing is wrong and will upset the op and her dd.

Bobbybobbins · 27/03/2018 17:20

I agree that the mother should have been upfront about this. But I know so many people who would not have the confidence to address this and would just ignore it instead.

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