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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 25/03/2018 21:28

I wouldn't make too big a deal about it, unless you are prepared to lose both mum and daughter as friends completely. I know from experience that some mum's can be v unreasonable where their DC are involved in this kind of thing. As op said, she may have only been trying to avoid mentioning that all the other guests were from the new school or something. We were once not invited to similar, as hosts thought DD would have felt uncomfortable and left out, only knowing the birthday girl. I could see the point. I guess mum would be uncomfortable telling you this, having already accepted the invitation to your DD party.

So, if she comes to your DD party, by all means ask, but try not to let your assumptions lead the conversation negatively until you have a bit more detail. She's prob feeling defensive already, could be a tense conversation if you're not careful, and it would be a shame to spoil DD friendship completely if it could be avoided.

Original poster
MrsGloop · 25/03/2018 22:00

Just got back from the party; as expected, Jane showed up. Mother said nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGloop · 25/03/2018 22:01

As did I.

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 25/03/2018 22:04

Anybody on here saying YABU or 'Potty' or being generally negative, are liars! They would ALL be peeved if they saw that on Facebook after being told something different.

Daifuku9 · 25/03/2018 22:07

Well, that’s too bad as I think it had to be really awkward considering the circumstances.
I hope your daughter had a fantastic party still.
I think let the girls progress as they will, the friendship will keep on or fizzle.
I totally get why you and she are upset as it’s pretty cold behavior.

Figgygal · 25/03/2018 22:08

How did you bite your tongue?
She's naaaaaasty

SickofThomasTheTank · 25/03/2018 22:08

I don't know how you did it OP! I'd have turned them away at the door! Cheesy fuckers

SickofThomasTheTank · 25/03/2018 22:08

*Cheeky Hmm

Thebluedog · 25/03/2018 22:11

The time might have passed by now but I’d have had to say something to her, or at the very least let her know that you know .

AdidasGirl · 25/03/2018 22:13

I know it's not Janes fault.
But there is no way I would of been able to stop myself having it out with her mother.

RomaineCalm · 25/03/2018 22:16

Ok, so I would just play it by ear now and see how the friendships work out.

Encourage your DD to have other friendship groups. If Jane/Jane's mum gets in touch to meet up and it's convenient then go ahead. As other people have said, this might end up as a lasting friendship or it may just fizzle out.

MindatWork · 25/03/2018 22:24

I hope your DD enjoyed her party and is feeling better now OP.

However, between this and the ‘Bad mummy’ thread earlier, there’s a hell of a lot of people advocating passive aggressive/‘silent fuming’ behaviour on here today.

I dont understand why you wouldn’t just have an honest chat with someone you (until recently) considered a friend.

It doesn’t have to be confrontational or ‘having it out’, just mention it in passing. I can’t believe you had her there for the whole party and didn’t bring it up!

chocolatesun · 25/03/2018 22:26

Keep out of it. It’s really none of your business and you’ll just stir up trouble unnecessarily.

Original poster
MrsGloop · 25/03/2018 22:38

Thanks for the input. Ut was a drop off party, so the mum was only there for a few minutes. I had no intention of raising it with a 10-year-oldConfused

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 25/03/2018 22:52

Oh for goodness sake.
Op and this woman are friends.
Kids are friends.
The kids discussed the party at a sleepover.
Woman asks about dates in front of dd.
Dd invites someone she thinks is a friend to her party.

Then dd doesnt get an invite to her friends party but she should just suck it up.

Yep cos thats normal when kids and mums are both friends. Only on mn would an upset child be told to suck it up. In RL everyone would be fuming for thier kid.

Op you are right it sucks. Very devious and cruel thing to do to you both. Why not just be upfront? All the subterfuge and lying very stupid.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 25/03/2018 23:03

My eldest dd’s best friend moved schools. Her BF had a whole class party with the new friends and my Dd was invited round for a birthday tea on a different day.

The mum explained she wanted her daughter to forge new friendships and the dynamics if my dd had been there would be totally different.

I think the massive difference is that we had an open conversation about it. I would be cross in the op position not over dd not being invited but I can’t abide being lied to.

GreenTulips · 25/03/2018 23:22

My DD also moved schools

We had a party that involved old and new friends (as they would be going up to senior school together)

They all got on and had a great time - one of the best parties we had

No need for cliques at this age - although some grown ups prefer it that way

Awhoosh · 26/03/2018 17:30

What ridiculous responses from some people.

OP YANBU. If the mum had said to you we're doing a party for the new school pals then you'd have been fine,
I'm sure, and could have done something else with DD and Jane another time.

But why didn't she tell you? Weird and she has now made it awkward when it didn't need to.

Hope your DD Is not too upset about it all.

Viviennemary · 26/03/2018 17:46

I think that is extremely rude and cheeky. It's too late now to withdraw the invitation to the other girl to your DD's party but it's the last one she should get. I wouldn't bother pulling her up on it but wouldn't be offering lifts of any more invitations to tea or anything else. It's sheer meanness and lying about it is even worse. You don't need people like them in your life.

Coyoacan · 26/03/2018 17:58

I can’t believe some posters think the OP is overreacting or being unreasonable to question her friend..? Surely if you were in this position you wouldn’t just smile and think nothing of it?

This was extremely poor behaviour on the part of your friend, OP, and no wonder you are hurt. Not the lack of an invite, there could be lots of reasons for that, but the deceit.

Now you know this woman's limitations, OP. I wouldn't bother confronting her, myself. Just decide if you can live with them.

Missuseff · 26/03/2018 18:00

Poor @mrsgloop, I feel your pain, my son had an almost identical experience age 9 and it was so painful on a number of levels. I did ask my former friend why she’d allowed my son to feel included and anticipate an invite (she’d talked about the party in front of both boys for several months and even asked my DS for his opinion as he’d been to the venue before) and she tried to put it on me, telling me I should’ve realised her son would move on to new friends and ultimately in obvious embarrassment, to get over it.

So - I did and while it was painful at the time, it was a great lesson for my son and me about how to not let momentary disappointment ruin your life.

I wish you and your DD much peace working through this.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 26/03/2018 18:01

The fact is if she wanted to keep it to just the new school friends she should not have posted it all on FB.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 26/03/2018 18:08

Husky and those condemning the OP for 'telling her daughter', note:

Jane's mother TOLD THE OP that she was planning Jane's birthday party for a different day in front of DD.

This doesn't mean you have to invite the DD, but if not then it's really bad manners. "What day are you inviting my daughter, so I can make sure I hold the party you're not coming to at another time?"

JustVent · 26/03/2018 18:08

I don’t know why you got given so much grief on this thread, you don’t deserve it.

Janes Mum was being a dickhead.

As for kids looking over your shoulder at fb, my 11 year old is terrible for that, so I very much believe you.

Personally I would have told her that your kids party was cancelled and carried on without her.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 18:13

I would be hurt, especially as they seem to be good friends. Yes I would mention it to Jane's mum, and just pull back on that friendship and encourage your dd to make other friends. That is not nice, that was so sneaky of the mother, yet they are fine to go to dd party.