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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:
Banterbus28 · 25/03/2018 02:35

Some folk just love drama I guess...

AjasLipstick · 25/03/2018 02:58

OP did you tell your DD that there was a party? If so, that was wrong imo.

missperegrinespeculiar · 25/03/2018 03:32

OP, YANBU, that is all

emmyrose2000 · 25/03/2018 03:42

YANBU.

sykadelic · 25/03/2018 04:06

@MrsGloop To answer your question, how you approach it depends on 2 main factors:

  1. How good of a friend she is
  2. What you expect to come of it

If she's a good friend, she wouldn't have lied to you. So there's a reason she did. Either she's not as good a friend as you think, or there's something else going on.

If she's a good friend, withdrawing without actually saying anything is a bit passive aggressive so I probably would say something, but not until after the party, and not with the kids around.

If you talk to her, I'd give her the chance to explain without attacking, so "Did Jane enjoy her party? I've considered having a party at X before, would you recommend the venue?". It should open the door to an attack-free conversation about it.

I'd probably take the passive-aggressive route because she has and because I'm petty like that.

Original poster
MrsGloop · 25/03/2018 04:26

My daughter was with me as I scanned through the photos on FB. Saw them over my shoulder.

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 25/03/2018 05:16

Yeah, sure she did. 🙄

Tinkerbec · 25/03/2018 09:03

The same thing has happened to me just last week. My dd and her friend are in parallel classes.
Just last year we were arranging a concert for her best friends birthday . This year her ‘best friend ‘invited 6 girls from her class. My dd was devastated.

Did I want to ask her mother if there was a problem? Sure I really did. I even started to type.
I didn’t though as another person said. I would look like a psycho and be that mother.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 09:05

I wouldn't pull her up. I would most definitely distance my DD. I wouldn't let her think she was 'close' to someone who didn't want her at their birthday party.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 09:07

MrsGloop

Why? Why would you let her see them over your shoulder?!

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2018 09:26

You have still not covered where any of her old school friends there and do you know why she moved schools

willynillypie · 25/03/2018 09:31

I think if you are upset with someone, the mature thing to do is to approach the issue with them. Just "withdrawing" from a friendship is very childish and quite sad (as in sad to just throw away a friendship when there is potentially a good explanation), I think. I understand why you are upset, and I think the best thing to do is politely bring it up as she may well have a good reason for lying or not inviting dd. We are all just speculating until you have asked her and have an actual answer. I would just say nicely today "I was a little bit confused about your facebook post yesterday..." and go from there. You are entitled to feel how you feel, whatever people may say.

Alabama3 · 25/03/2018 09:41

Why? Why would you let her see them over your shoulder

it's Facebook not playboy
they were probably sitting together...

ElsieMc · 25/03/2018 09:50

Wow op, only on MN. You have had some really aggressive responses on here criticising your choice of words and actions - pot kettle black. Honestly op, I just wouldn't bother any more. After all, if you spoke to the mother you may get a response similar to some on here. Ouch.

Any normal mum with an ounce of empathy would feel slightly pissed off about this situation. The op is hurt for her dd and quite rightly so. She has been "useful" for sleepovers and lift shares etc until Jane has moved schools.

Put bluntly op, your friend has moved on. She wants to make friends amongst the new mums at her dd's new school - nothing wrong with this - but I honestly think you are dumped. She has sent you a clear message.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 09:51

Alabama3

The OP said she was looking as she scrolled through the photos Hmm

Surely you'd realise what they were and look later, not scroll through them in front of your NFI child, who is clearly going to be upset.

RedForFilth · 25/03/2018 09:52

Your daughter wouldn't have seen if you were just scrolling through. You must have lingered. Even then surely she would have thought it was a basketball team thing/you could have told her it was.
I'd explain about different friendships etc. The other mum shouldn't have lied (if she did, it could have been a birthday party with just her basketball friends for all you know) but it is just a party. There's no need for youe daughter to be upset for long if you speak to her about it.

RedForFilth · 25/03/2018 10:01

Any normal mum what does that look like then? Hmm

TheOnlyLivingMumInNewCross · 25/03/2018 10:05

I wouldn't tell DD and if she finds out try and limit any upset. People move on and she would find that out sooner or later anyway.
As a parent who moved my DCs school I made a decision to prioritise the kids at their new school rather than the old ones. I didn't do so to be malicious or ignorant, just to foster friendships that could be current at a time when both missed their mates at their old school (but not the school itself). It worked as both now have a good group of mates and DS is only bothered by one boy he was at the old school with and DD is only still in touch with 2 girls as well.
I wouldn't make a big deal or that would be making it even more awkward. Kids friendship groups change so much and you don't want to be "that" Mum who interferes.

BanyanTree · 25/03/2018 10:08

You have done the right thing OP. I don't think you can get mad at them or call them on it because at the end of the day it is up to them. Liking it on FB and making a comment like "What a great party. Looks like you had a lot of fun X" shows her that you have seen she had a party and DD wasn't invited. She will either be embarrassed or too thick skinned to care. Either way I'd be investing your time and energy in people who actually give a shit about your DC.

I am always amazed at the lack of community in some of my DC's friends parents. I know a few people who will go out of their way to do things for you and your DC and in return I would do the same. It hurts, but then you learn.

SendintheArdwolves · 25/03/2018 10:15

Usually I'm in the "not everyone can be invited" camp, but on this occasion, I'm with you OP - I'd want to know what was going on for your DD not to be invited.

I'd dress it up to the other mum as "I'm concerned - have the girls had a falling out? I know this is awkward to discuss, but if my DD has done or said something to upset yours, then I'd honestly rather know about it." But really it would have been about making the other mum squirm.

And also, on the subject of the OP letting her daughter see the pictures - you can't have it both ways. Either this IS a reasonable thing to be upset about (in which case the OP gets to say something) or it ISN'T (in which case, why does the DD need to be protected from knowledge of the party?) You can't be all "your DD needs to learn that she can't be invited to everything" but at the same time insist "You shouldn't have let her see the pictures! Now it's YOUR FAULT she's upset!".

LoniceraJaponica · 25/03/2018 10:16

“If she has moved schools she has probably just invited new friends and wants her to build on those friendships which is hard to do with a long standing friend there too at that age.”

I’m inclined to think that this is the case. Why did “Jane” move schools? Was she being bullied? DD has a friend who lives very near us and goes to a different school. She never invites her to her parties with her school friends because she knows it just wouldn’t work. The same with the friend as well. Instead they both do something together on a separate occasion.

To all those posters telling the mum to get over it/grow up etc – you clearly have never had to deal with the disappointment of a child who has been left out. I would suggest to you that you develop a little more understanding and empathy Hmm

And being lied to hurts, unless you behave like this to your friends and are completely devoid of any form of empathy are too thick skinned to care.

The mum sounds a bit dim anyway. Who posts pictures of a party on Facebook and doesn’t expect to get caught out?

OP I’m sorry this has happened. Ignore the nasty responses from the heartless posters on here who have very popular children who never get left out of party invitations.

Sakurasnail · 25/03/2018 10:16

Tbh, if the party discussion only took place two weeks ago, I'm impressed she managed to book a party and get enough replies back to populate the party in that timeframe.

GreenTulips · 25/03/2018 10:23

I'd be interested to see if Jane turns up later today and what James mum says about lying to you.

I'd be disapppinted as well because that's not how friends treat each other.

I hope your DD has a great party anyway

whoareyoukidding · 25/03/2018 10:29

YANBU OP. If this happened to me and my child, I could not feel the same about the other mother again. Not read the whole of the thread as some people were being nasty, but I wonder if the mother has had to tell her daughter to lie to you and your DD? I suppose she must have done.

Wallywobbles · 25/03/2018 10:32

I'd definitely send a text asking if the girls had fallen out in view of the non-invite (and the lie).

Does your Dd still want her to come to her party?