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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD friend to hang around us

251 replies

Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 11:57

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 23/03/2018 11:58

Call the child’s parents and tell them she secretly desperately wants them there.

ichifanny · 23/03/2018 12:00

I had a similar situation with my neighbour she took it as I was going somewhere I should just take her daughter too , I ended up trekking round at Halloween with her child while she got to sit in and relax as there was ‘no point in us both going out’ I just wanted to spend time with my child not someone else’s . I’d say to other parent that you are missing out on one on one time with your daughter .

Louiselouie0890 · 23/03/2018 12:01

Tell parents she wants them there

Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 12:01

I did say to the other parent that I think she would like them there but they insisted otherwise. I actually think the parents can't be arsed but don't want to look bad.

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 12:04

Cant be arsed or have work commitments? a lot of people are hourly paid and cant afford to drop ten or twenty pounds.

How does the child get to the sports event? Who picks her up after ?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/03/2018 12:04

I think you can let the parents know you'll be spending the time 1:1 with your child this time and won't be able to include their daughter. Then add that she's told you she would love them there. I would do this by text rather than in person so that you can just state the facts.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 12:05

Tell her parents what you have said here, only way.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 12:06

ugh what an awful situation, if it were me personally if the parents, even after being told that the girl wanted them there, didn't go I think I'd just let her stay with us. watching her there all on her own would be too heartbreaking but there's no wrong answer to this one really.

mimibunz · 23/03/2018 12:06

Maybe just tell the parents you have 5 children of your own to look after? I feel so sorry for the little girl.

44PumpLane · 23/03/2018 12:09

Tell parents she desperately wants them there, that if they can't make it you completely understand but can they talk to her and let her know she's not to join you and your daughter as it's impacting on your time together.

If they are really just not tipping up because they can't be bothered then it puts the onus on them to disappoint their DD and not you.

JessicaJonesJacket · 23/03/2018 12:21

Would it be worth speaking to the class teacher? Delicately pointing out that the other child wants her parents to attend and that you want to have one-to-one time with your DD? The teacher could contact the parents to see if they're attending and to tell them what time to collect their DD if they can't make the one-to-one. You could even frame it as a question of liability. If their DD was hurt during an one-to-one with you then who would be responsible?

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 12:24

Tell parents she desperately wants them there, that if they can't make it you completely understand but can they talk to her and let her know she's not to join you and your daughter as it's impacting on your time together.

That's so sad. Poor little girl. I appreciate the thing about time alone, but would you really exclude a 10 year old girl just for the sake of eating a bit of lunch together? If you say that to her parents, they will inevitably tell her and that will be so so hurtful for her.

Wdigin2this · 23/03/2018 12:27

Tell the parents, that no matter what they think their DD wants, she has made it totally clear to you, that she would love them to be there, and you think they should surprise her by being there next time....elaborate on how important it is to the other kids at the event!

tinkerbellone · 23/03/2018 12:27

OP. I get this totally. I'm a single parent with four children and 'one to one mummy time' is precious.
It's more than 'for the sake of a bit of lunch together.'
Do you pick the friend up & drop her off?

If so I would text and say that you can drop her off.

When the sport it over, I would say bye to friend and go elsewhere for your one to one time with your DD. Xx

tinkerbellone · 23/03/2018 12:28

*can't drop off.

jay55 · 23/03/2018 12:32

Can you ask the coach to direct the girl to a different family or for the coach to play with her? Are there no other kids who don’t have parents there?

GreenTulips · 23/03/2018 12:32

Why can't they just do the lunch bit?

Text them and say you need to be somewhere and won't be staying - you can always change your mind after

Graphista · 23/03/2018 12:33

Sound like cf poorly parenting to me - there's a poster who quite rightly points out that cf get away with it cos nobody calls them out on it.

I'd tell them they need to be there for THEIR child and not expect others to parent for them - people like this make me so annoyed. That poor kid.

Dipitydoda · 23/03/2018 12:34

Wow. You actually have no idea why the parents can’t be there. There could be any number of reasons. I think this is the time to teach your DD kindness and understanding. If you exclude your DDs friend because she’s getting in the way what does this teach your DD about friendship. If in a couple of years your DD gets fed up of spending her weekends in a very busy household vying for your attention and goes off to her friends for some quieter time how would you feel if the mum slammed the door in her face?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2018 12:37

Well in Enid Blyton's books the parentless girl was always taken out for lunch with her friend and parents.

Is this a boarding school? If so, I imagine that must limit your time together a bit. Your choice and absolutely fine.

What does your daughter want to do? That is the operative point really.

Cheerfullygo4 · 23/03/2018 12:39

I would be having a quiet word with the Coach asking them to have the 1-1 time with the child. It is a lot to assume that you have been happy to do this every time even if the children are friends.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 23/03/2018 12:39

Tell the parents you are using this time as 1:1 with your daughter to chat and laugh and spend some lovely girly time together. Say you understand they don't wish to do the same with their DD, and as you aren't able to accommodate their DD can they pick her up when the session finishes (before the game and lunch).

Harsh but it needs to be said.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2018 12:45

We were a bit older but my BFF's mother (her dad traveled for work) couldn't be bothered to show up for any activities, so BFF was always with us. My mum and dad considered her 'one of the kids' and treated her as such, even to the point of forbidding her to go to a hey-all-my-parents-are-out-of-town party after her own mother told her she didn't care if she went. BFF didn't go because "Across' parents say we can't go!".

To this day (and Mum is 95) BFF treasures her memories and refers to my mother as 'Mum' and says that she was more a mother to her than her own mother ever was. She says that Mum is responsible for the person she is.

Stop and think. In the course of her lifetime, for your DD this one day will be simply one of a thousand lovely days. For this child, it may very well be a treasured memory.

15star · 23/03/2018 12:48

Speak to the organiser and say that you don't want to upset the girl but this time you just want to spend time with your child alone. They might be able to contact the parents or keep the girl busy

Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 12:49

No not a boarding school. It's a Saturday morning club, so DH looks after our smaller kids and I attend. Obviously I do not.know of their circumstances however the mum attended until the last 4 events but she did used to moan about it eating into their weekend. DD understands how hurtful it would be to the girl to turn her away and wouldn't do that but she misses our time alone doing something just about her that she loves. I resent it too but wouldn't hurt a child or leave them out. I may speak to the coach and see if they can contact parents re attending or see if she has any other friends. I don't mind occasionally her hanging with us, just not every time. The girls parents take her and collect her from the event but they stay in the car and she just sees herself in and out.

OP posts: