To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

I'm a bit confused if I'm honest as they are clearly leaving their child their longer than the normal session. How has that been organised with the club / teacher? I'd be having a gentle word. I'm partially with Acrossthepond55 but also think this should be raising some safeguarding flags with the coach. Who has parental responsibility during this time? They need to know that it is without your consent. The parents can't just dump her in this way. Apologies if I'm reading it wrong but don't get how its happening. Why do the parents think they can do. If they do think you don't mind I would just be saying to them that you just aren't comfortable with it as it affects your experience. She may be giving them mixed messages about whether she wants them there but cant quite understand how it can be an option not to. If the coaches have agreed they need to step in and be her person.

If the parents collect her then get the coach to tell the parents that if they're not doing the one-to-one then they need to collect her at x time. The coach should be able to manage it sensitively.

Apologies if I'm reading this wrong, is this girl just eating with you or are you paying for her lunch every time because her parents can't be arsed?

I don’t understand how the lunch thing works. Do you have it at the club? If not, why are you taking DDs friend to lunch - can you not just take DD?

If lunch is at the club - have a chat to the coach and let them sort it. Explain that you want to focus on DD and say seem to have picked up care of the other friend by default. Can the coach ensure that the friend is included elsewhere as you don’t want her to be left out? The coaches should be dealing with this - if they want to invite parents, they have to be conscious that any children without parents willing/able to attend don’t feel left out.

As much as it is lovely to not leave the other girl out, you do have to put your own DD first. I come from a large family where we had such little time with our parents, we would have felt less important to them then a strangers child if that limited one to one time was taken away.

@Unforgiving2

Can you have lunch etc with your child AND this girl say every second or third time you go OP? So she doesn't feel massively left out, as she is being included 30 to 40% of the time? And you get quality 1 to 1 time with your daughter....

Sorry but I speak from bitter experience when I say what I am about to say.......

When my 2 girls (now in their 20's - 1 year apart in age,) were children, I was a SAHM for about 8-9 years, and then went part time, and I was fortunate enough to be able to spend lots of time with them. They had many friends, and for 4 or 5 years, we had between 5 and 10 kids in the house some days.... as we were very welcoming, we were often in, and we always had goodies in the cupboard...

There were other mothers/dads; some who worked, and some who didn't who were VERY happy to let their kids stay at our house for HOURS, some 4 or 5 times a week some weeks! I was always entertaining them, feeding them, and taking them places. (More fool me I know!) And parents took advantage, and my kids rarely went to any other kids house.

In addition, we had some occasions where some of the kids were meant to go home at 6-7pm, and they walked back (their home was 10 mins walk,) and then within 20 minutes, they were back, saying their mom wasn't in and could they stay awhile. 9pm it was sometimes, before the mom/parents came! Even 10pm on a few occasions!

The parents had it made. They had a free after-school babysitter (ME!) who would give their kids a meal at 5pm, and would let them stay til 7pm! (Or later.) The final straw came when one woman got her 2 kids (aged 7 and 9) to come round our house on new year's eve at 3pm, and then just fucked off and was uncontactable until midday the next day. She had basically dumped her kids and gone out for new years eve, leaving her kids with me and my family!

I was livid, and had a real go at her, but she insisted that her kids told her that I said they could stay! I started to put my foot down after that, and said to my girls that they can play at the park with all these kids from now on, and none of them can come round anymore. I started to eventually let 3 or 4 children around after 3 or 4 months, but for every time any child came round, MINE had to go round theirs for the afternoon before said child could come back! IYSWIM.

It's great to be kind to other kids, especially if their parents cannot be there for them as much as you. But it is easy to become a mug, and get used, and have people take the piss! So be careful you don't go down the road I went down. At the end of the day, this child is not YOUR responsibility. You have other kids to think about! Don't be emotionally blackmailed by anyone.

And don't take any notice of any posters trying to make you feel bad by saying stuff like 'YABU, you have no idea why the parents cannot be there,' and 'why are you thinking of slamming the door in this child's face?' What utter bollocks. You have done more than enough already, and like I said, this child is not your responsibility. What's more, the parents haven't said they cannot be there, they are insisting this girl doesn't WANT them there, when she clearly does. Seems to me that they cannot be arsed!

I agree with speaking to the teacher about it though.

Yes I think speaking to the coach would be a way forward. If your daughter is missing the time with just you then that needs to be tackled.

Of course you can do something about it. Stop doing it! You need to reset their expectations and put your relationship with your own daughter first.

would you really exclude a 10 year old girl just for the sake of eating a bit of lunch together?

I think that is way off.
Stop guilt ing the OP.
She's been reasonable and accomodating, now it's time to bond with her own children.

Comments like that really annoy me because they perpetuate the "mustn't ruffle feathers"/"put my needs second to someone" else nonsense that most father's wouldn't be expected to sacrifice their time, energy or commitments for for a second.

OP, it is perfectly ok to put your family's needs first now!

Or speak to the coach......

Sorry for confusion. So it's at a sports centre and after the one on one we all go upstairs and there is a cafe there and we all have lunch. Everyone goes and DDS friend has money on her and buys her own lunch, although each time I have bought her dessert because DD loves the sundaes and it would be mean to get her one and leave friend without.

I think this is different from the friendship Across describes and I think this special time is important to your daughter and that needs to be respected as much as the other girl's feelings.
You have taught your daughter compassion the last few times that you have accommodated this girl, but you also need to teach your daughter that her friend's wishes can't trample what she wants every time, how many times have we seen threads on here about CFs, toxic friends and spoiled people who OPs let walk all over them.
I have come to regret how much I expected my son to give way to others, he is a kind compassionate boy but feels unworthy of respect.

I would text the parents and say "ooh are you coming on Saturday DD says friend is really hoping you can make it this time be great to see you before DD and I have lunch together"
That is clear
But I also think it's OK to say to the coaches you want to spend time with your DD can they partner up with lonely girl so that there is no awkwardness or guilt invite.

I would honestly drop her home and just say to the parents you are finding it hard to fit in the lunches at the moment, and take your dd out for some one to one time. You can invite the friend over when you are busy at home with the other children.

I wouldn't get involved AT ALL regarding the other parents choice not to come, it will end in tears. They know they should be there, so for whatever reason (their business) they have chosen not to be, and I would stay out of it. Guilt can do strange things to be people's rationality and esp when it concerns their child.

I've had this with few schools and other events - and I'm fine with it right up to the point it upsets my own DC.

I'd have a quiet word with the coach see what they can suggest going forward.

So it's at a sports centre and after the one on one we all go upstairs and there is a cafe there and we all have lunch. Everyone goes and DDS friend has money on her and buys her own lunch, although each time I have bought her dessert because DD loves the sundaes and it would be mean to get her one and leave friend without.

Given that I don't think the coach is going to be much use unless it's something they organise.

Give the child notice that you plans will be changing next time and take your DD somewhere else after the event. That the best I can think of.

I can’t believe the responses here, is it such a big deal to have this girl with you ? If you could n’t be present would you want your daughter to be on her own.

Are you seriously saying this is the only chance you get to spend time without th your daughter

Do you bring the friend to the club.Or is she dropped and left there.

I would either talk to the coach and get him to get her collected earlier or include her in lunch but no dessert and then you and your dd stop on the way home for an ice cream somewhere else, still getting some time alone. It's not ideal obviously and not your responsibility but I would feel for her, which I appreciate is exactly what her cf parents are banking on

The DD is the eldest of five - I can all too easily imagine that this is the only one-on-one time OP gets with her each week. I understand why that time is precious and how her DD is sad to be missing out on it now.

The girls parents take her and collect her from the event but they stay in the car and she just sees herself in and out
Whaaat?!!! I’d be marching outside and banging on their window telling them their daughter needed them. Twats.

I'd contact the parents and be quite direct. They're letting her down. I'd tell them as such.

SO it's a group lunch and the friend buys her own lunch. So she is just sitting with you?

As its a group, surely the friend could still attend without her parents, so it's just a matter for you to say to her "we don;t want to sit with you. We want to sit at the group/team lunch on our own".

Which is kind of mean isn't it?

It is a big deal when someone else is dumping their DC on you, continually, without even asking or thanking you. It's also rough on this little girl that her parents apparently can't be arsed with her. If it was the case that they have to work at weekends, or have another important commitment (IDK, visiting their own elderly parents in hospital or something) they would have told OP about it. The fact that they are saying 'Our DD doesn't want us there' and the DD is saying the exact opposite makes them come across even more as CFs.

Hang on - are they dropping her off, staying in their car/going for a coffee or similar nearby but leaving you to be there for THEIR child inc buying her a dessert every week and missing out on much wanted 1 on 1 time with your OWN child then after the lunch they take her home?

They are taking the piss!

To the posters "you don't know why they aren't there for their child" not op's responsibility!

THEIR child THEIR responsibility everyone else has to manage work, childcare, caring for elderly relatives, volunteering commitments etc why do they get a free pass?!

And no it's not an opportunity for op to teach her dd to "be kind" it sounds like op and her dd already KNOW that, if anything it's an opportunity for dd to learn not to always be subservient to other people's needs - which is hammered into girls and women all the bloody time anyway!

TheClitterati, what on earth is "mean" about the OP wanting some 1-on-1 time with her own daughter?

She has accommodated this child multiple times out of compassion.

It's an important life lesson to teach her DD that everyone else doesn't always come first.

OP's needs, and her daughter's needs, are important here too.

It's appalling the way society expects women to sacrifice their happiness in some of the most bizarre situations! The OP is not responsible for this child.

Would you expect the DD's father to put up with the child in the same manner in every daddy daughter bonding session they have? No? Why not? Oh, it's because men aren't expected to sacrifice their own happiness and autonomy to the same extent.

What about the OPs daughter? Why doesn't anyone think it's mean to her. She has the opportunity to spend time with her mum on her own at a special event they both look forward to, creating memories, solving problems building up a relationship where she can talk to her mum about stuff-but she can't because this other girl can't spend time with her own mum.
Every child needs a special parent child thing. This was theirs, now a dysfunctional family dynamic comes along and the self esteem boosting, fun family moment MUST be sacrificed for this other child.
So then neither girl actually gets special parent/child time.
The 2 girls spend time together in other situations.
Everyone else saying find something else to do-with what time? You don't get extra hours in the week just because you are being nice to someone else's child. You don't get to just build up half a day like the one described when you feel like it.
This isn't a close family friend that seems to be written about. Who cares why the parents can't make it, if they had good reason they would ask properly or get a friend or relative to cover the occasion.