To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

The bloody coach is out of order as well. Did you get reimbursed for the dinner ?

I agree the parents are awful but the coach is pretty damn annoying. What if you said to the coach, can you pay for the friend and sit with her? Surely responsibility lies with the coach to organise and it seems he/she isn't doing a good job. If there is a child left out isn't it the leader who should include her?

You need to go through with it next time and let the coach call the parents. Also, I would go and ask the parents for the money. Your DD is the priority here.

I feel sorry for the girl but you need to stop this. Right now DC and the rest of their class have their lives made a misery by a pair of CF parents whose slack parenting has a direct negative effect on the rest of the DC. One of the reasons we have to put up with it is due to the inability of other parents to pull them up on their CF'ery.

I would start skipping a few of the lunches and drive your DD somewhere else just to break the cycle. They go back in a few weeks when her parents have got the message.

I don't think I could exclude this girl though, at the end of the day it's her whose going to suffer

As opposed to OPs daughter who IS suffering

You need to follow through on this next time not back down because you sense resistance from others. That’s how cf get away with it. The coach wont have been pissed off with you. It will have been the situation but as you are creating the problem and not solving it by looking after the girl, he was irritated by you bringing it up.

Could you email the coach before the activity resumes after Easter? Explain in full that while you were happy to have this girl accompany you occasionally, her parents are now leaving her with you every week though you told them you couldn't have her and even left her with no lunch money so you paid, again without having agreed to.

Reiterate that although your daughters are friends this girl isn't your responsibility and from now on you will expect that if her parents don't attend the coach will call them.

Then if the same happens you're in a position to say to the girl 'Lets go and see coach, I think she's making arrangements with your parents about pickup', take her to the coach and go off to enjoy your time with DD.

If her parents say anything to you I'd smile and give them a pointed reply 'ah glad I bumped in to you, your daughter's lunch was x amount last session . . .'

You're a very nice person, OP. I'd have said to the coach "yes, thanks, please call her parents". As I said, it should be treated as though the child has not been collected at the end of the session, which is the coach's responsibility. Next time, think of your daughter, not someone else's.

People being pissed off doesn't mean you did wrong. It just means you didn't do what is right for them. Coach can't be arsed with the hassle and neither can the parents.
The mum asking if you won't be there to watch their DD is very telling.
They are expecting you to put up and shut up,ofc they will be pissed off when you stop doing that. But stop you must,for your daughter's sake.

You cannot please everyone. My mums a nightmare for trying to please everyone and the result is the opposite - everyone pissed off with her but she also over promises.

Honestly at this stage enough is enough. Tell them so and tell the coach to do their job in managing this. It isn't down to you, your priority is your DC.

@user1499333856

Thanks. We were so lucky in our mum. She had a loving and understanding heart as big as the great outdoors. If I've been half the mum she's been, my DC have been lucky!

I was able to 'pay it forward' with two friends of my DS1's who needed a 'soft place to land' when their home lives went to shit.

Tell the coach beforehand you have 4 kids and this is the only opportunity for you to have some 1:1 time so you can’t have her next time

Yes. if you want to do it gently, the coach having some imput is the way forward, if only to back up the daughters wish for them to be there. But also text them saying the daughter does seem very sad that they are not there. They are CFs because they were very very quick to brush aside your suggestion and if another mum told me that my child really wished I was there, I would make the effort to get there a bit early. Most parents do participate in these sporty things, its not worth driving back and forth from home for a one hour thing. Im sure it isn't something that you'd mind doing occasionally, but every single week and without even asking you and ignoring your request is just taking the p.

If the parents WERE there, wouldn’t she be sitting with you anyway? I agree with not being taken for a mug and ending up with another child all the time, but this scenario doesn’t sound too bad? It sounds a bit sad that the poor kid is having to spend it with people who don’t want her there and is having to buy her own lunch at a parent/child lunch... I’m surprised she even wants to be there! I would be furious with the parents and record the child saying how much she wants them there, send it to them and say “I keep telling you, now here is your daughter saying it. Perhaps she can sense that you don’t want to come and is trying to be a martyr and pretend she’s ok with it - she clearly isn’t! You owe it to your daughter to attend!”
The fact it is encroaching on your one on one time with your daughter seems petty. But one of my stepsons is like that with his dad so it is possible - however that’s because he doesn’t see him everyday! He never wants one on one time with his mother, who he is with everyday, but it’s special when he sees his dad so insists on time alone together.
I am torn between understanding your post and also finding it completely heartless and cold.
Poor kid.

The coach could solve this with a letter to all the parents, reminding them of the purpose of this event and what is expected of them.

Doesn't the sports club get involved? If she's left with no parents the that's a safe guarding issue

I was of the opinion that you should let DD’s friend stay with you if her parents are never going to turn up. But you need to be thinking about your DD now. You should have got the coach to ring the parents. The parents are out or order and need to step up.

Next time, get the coach to ring her parents. Tell your DD that it will just be you and her next time.

Tralalee I get the impression that it the DD’s friend would either had to stay with the OP or go home with her parents.

I hope the part you found heartless was the bit where the girl's parents didn't want to come along. The OP has done nothing wrong, she has been nice to this girl on countless occasions, spending time with her and buying her lunch. This is despite it upsetting her own daughter. Surely there comes a time when your own wants are allowed to come first?!

Mum2one Not petty at all, I've got four kids like the OP and completely understand the desire for precious one on one time.

With four of my own to pay for I also wouldn't be happy if random CF parents decided to leave me to pay for their child's lunch when I hadn't offered!

Whatever the reason, its down to the girls parents to sort it not the op. Yes they may lose money by not working but surely, your child's feelings and wishes are important enough to for go a couple of hours of pay. I know I would if it were my child.

OP you have been really kind to this girl and now her parents are taking advantage. Text/Email her parents and say how disappointed you were that they ignored what you said to them, and yet again your DD was disadvantaged because of their lazy parenting. Include your bank details and ask them to refund the lunch money. Then make it clear to them you will not be supervising their child again and if they decide not to attend the performance etc they must pick her up before the 121/lunch thing. Then email the coach and make it clear to him/her as well. What absolute CFs!

I'm angry for you. How dare they? You need to email the coach and make it clear that you are not responsible for this girl and in future it is their job to contact the parents. They are using you. Please stand your ground next time. You have done more than enough for the girl.

The coach was just annoyed that they have to deal with an issue. It's not of your making, not your responsibility, so ignore it/them.

Take DD elsewhere next week. And you haven't let her down - the other parents let both girls down. They are awful parents, and anyone wittering to the contrary is clueless. You do not put your child in the position she was today. It's down to your kindness that she ate at all, let alone ate alone, and they are jeopardising her friendship because they are lazy and selfish. That's a shame, but as you rightly say, with 4 kids one to one special time is incredibly valuable. This other set of parents have no right to steal it from your child to suit their lazy backsides.

I LOVED your post Unforgiving2 because it makes you so very, very human. And really compassionate. I think you seem like a lovely person (so just want to add a p.s. that I think your children are very lucky to have you).

It's easy for us to sit at our keyboards and phones and say "Well, you should have told the coach to phone the parents". i'd have wimped out as well, and hated myself for it.

The coach had NO REASON to be annoyed with you, and you can certainly make it clear that next time (end of next term? Or next week? I'm not clear) that the parents will need to be called. Esp if they don't pay you back for the lunch.

But for you for being human!