To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

In fact I'm wondering if the parent sitting in the car is the father and it's a "feminine" sport with all girls participating and he's being a dick not taking an interest

I think this is one of those times where your dd can learn an important life lesson. To be giving....it's hard for that child and at ten she may or probably will sense your DDs irritation.

I'd try to keep helping her.

I think this is one of those times where your dd can learn an important life lesson. To be giving....it's hard for that child and at ten she may or probably will sense your DDs irritation.

She has learned the lesson,that everyone else comes before her.I think you either say something to the coach or just leave at the end of teh lesson and go somewhere else for lunch.Because the parents are cf and dont care about teh girl.

It is a big deal when someone else is dumping their DC on you, continually, without even asking or thanking you.

^^ This.

I had with to and from an event never spoke to parents was a real pain in the end becuase sometime I had to stop behind for my children, or was not going home but onwards even had child complain we weren't there one week - well no my kids were ill. No way of contacting before hand.

Took my DH going WTF you've agree to nothing before I stopped feeling guilty about puttting my kids first.

You actually have no idea why the parents can’t be there

And how would these reasons make their absence the OP's problem Dipitydoda, she's there with and for her own daughter, not as free childcare and chaperone for another child. You're very exercised about what most other people see as a straight forward issue - the other parents are to blame, the OP's more than fair in wanting quality time with her own child.

And what does this teach your DD about friendship?! That, while friendships are lovely and important, they're not healthy when the effort is one-sided and OP and her daughter have a right to decide how they spend their own time.

Projecting much?

OP, you've had lots of good advice, I'd send the parents a message and tell them you're looking forward to time with your daughter and they need to make proper arrangements as you won't be available.

All the people berating the OP, what would you suggest happened to the other child if OP couldn't be there one day?

A child who is one of 5 KNOWS to be kind compassionate and giving (not a criticism of large families) does she bollocks "need" to "learn" that

I'd have a word with the coach and I'd also take dd somewhere else for lunch. I'd also text the girls parents that your not staying to eat and unfortunately cannot supervise their dd as you want to spend time wih your own child

If this was about OP's son and another child who was a boy, the responses would be completely different.

OP and her daughter both being female are just expected to ignore their own wishes and "be kind" and "make an effort". Classic sexist bollocks.

Anne absolutely agree

Not relevant but I have four kids, three smaller sorry.

Ok apologies, still 1 on 1 time is clearly precious to you and your daughter and there is NOTHING wrong with that at all.

i get how its annoying for you OP but imagine how you would feel if you couldn't make it to the event for your daughter and her friends parents phoned you to say she's not to hang around with them. the girl is 10 years old, cut her some slack.

I couldn't leave the friend out even if I wanted to, I'd imagine it the other way around and feel gutted if my child was in the way.

It's not the friend's fault (nor your fault) that her parents don't give a shit.

I'd just take DD out for an hour for one on one time after the event or another time.

There's a difference between cutting some slack and allowing someone to take advantage (and I mean the parents not the child)

Why are women always expected to think of everyone's feelings before their own? OP should do what suits her.

Can I just clarify? Are the parents sitting outside in the car?
Could you ask the coach to direct the child to another set of parents and then go somewhere else for lunch? I do feel sorry for the girl but I do understand the importance of having some 1:1 with your child.

The parents are sat in the CAR outside?! :-O

I do feel sorry for the girl

I think everyone including the OP does.

I suspect if there are other families with other friends in the cafe she'll latch on to them - so it's not just the OP and her child being nice but there is no guarantees of that.

Oh that's awful. I think I'd have to say something like 'you're going to have to come this time because it's very difficult to manage to play with two dcs at once'.

@theclitterati and @northernparent WHY is it the OP's responsibilty to care for someone else's child.

What a load of utter utter bollocks

You both sound like the kind of person who would happily dump your kids on other parents so you can fuck off and so your shopping and chores. You must be, seeing as you think the OP is doing wrong by not wanting to be a mug any longer, to someone who cannot be arsed to spend time with their daughter!

If you feel 'sorry' the the other girl, direct your vitriol and guilt-tripping shite at her parents, NOT the OP.

kimanda spot on.

Thanks @bauble

Can you do some 1:1 time after the sporting event? i.e. get milkshakes on the way home?

It's a day of your lives. One day.
I know, I know. I am going against the general consensus here.

Maybe this poor kid gets that one day where she has a sense of family (vicariously through yours) that doesn't exist in her every day life. Does it really annoy your DD having her around? Is it really so bad?

Sometimes, OP, you've just got to be part of the village and support others as well as your own, just for a day. Security and compassion for others is in short supply in this current day and age. Be the good guy.

Poor kid. I’d be telling them with no mincing of words that they need to step up 😡