To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

1. I am not saying this is an acceptable situation for anyone.
2. I did not say the OP should do this no questions asked. She should bring it up with the coach, confront the parents but is it really so much to ask to show soneone in a shit situation some kindness whilst it's being sorted? Especially, if that someone is a child without control over this situation.

You know, fuck it, this thread depresses me. Your post your rulez, OP. You are in a TERRIBLE situation, hun.
I'm out.

Thank fuck for that!

but you can stop enabling them to dodge their responsibilities

This

but is it really so much to ask to show soneone in a shit situation some kindness whilst it's being sorted?

OP has done this - several torment over

We have a responsibility to raise concerns about a child's situation - this may be one piece of a large puzzle - it may not be - but hiding her neglect won't help her in the long term - should that be th case

Could you get there earlier for the next one, so she doesn't wait for you to walk in with her, also ask the coach who the child protection officer is for the club, as you don't know this child outside of these sessions and certainly are not responsible for her.

The parents are lazy and entitled cf's!

Unforgiving2 well that changes my whole perspective. If she was a BFF or even just a school friend that spends everyday with your daughter and other social occasions, which is how I was perceiving the original post, then I would stand by my argument about “what does it matter if they’re going to be sat next to each other anyway/off playing with each other in between bites of their sandwiches/etc” but it sounds like she is just an acquaintance who has latched onto you because you showed some kindness once. Or the parents pushed her onto you... either way it’s now expected of you and that isn’t fair. However it does need to be handled sensitively for so many reasons - to show your daughter how to properly handle situations that are uncomfortable yet necessary to not be walked all over, whilst finding the balance of compassion and strength in one. Also to show the “friend” that it’s not her fault but enough is enough, whilst possibly even having to stand up for her a bit when it comes to giving her parents an earful. Hopefully once this has been handled properly (and sensitively - mostly for your daughter and this poor girl’s sake, definitely not for the parents because I wouldn’t be sensitive with them at all!), then you can go back to it being time to focus on your daughter. In the meantime though you are going to need to be a bit tough with a few people; the parents and the coach. Hopefully it will all work itself out in time for the next event.
You have been generous and until now I thought it was for a girl you had some sort of relationship with. Now it’s like you are being forced to donate to charity every time with no choice AND it’s also encroaching on time etc.
The person I feel sorry for though, is the girl whose parents are wankers. OP has already said it’s not for them to work or anything, so it’s clear they have no interest in their young girl’s activities eating into their weekend (as they have said this!) and now see you as a free babysitter.
Get tough and good luck.

firstevernamechange

this thread reminds of the holidaymakers on Greek Islands during the Syria crisis who complained that the Syrian refugees were spoiling their holiday.

This is absolutely ludicrous

Op has always stood by this girl and it's quite clear from all her posts that if nothing changes she will be sitting with her next half term too. The thing is she thinks(as almost all of us do) that the parents should step up and that it isn't her responsibilitg.

She seems to have taught her daughter to be compassionate, understanding and kind. She also has a responsibility to teach her daughter to be assertive when necessary.

If the OP said that some CF parents had dropped their child on her doorstep and were exlecting her to look after the child without warning would you still be saying she should be kind and show compassion or would you then see it as the parents responsibility?

It's a day of your lives. One day. One day, once a week. Out of two free days between work/other commitments with family etc. Why on earth should the op continue to give her time with her dd, because a girls''s parents want to palm her off because they are too selfish or lazy to spend time with her?

I have managed to piss off girls parents, the coach, and worst of all my DD The ONLY important person in all this is YOUR DD!! You have told her that all the others are more important than her, and that your need to keep them "happy" is more important than her needs.

You should have let the coach call her parents. You have not agreed to her guardian, and you should not be guilted into it.

I am torn between understanding your post and also finding it completely heartless and cold. Funny that you don't think the parent's are completely heartless and cold, just op...

And yes, I would say the same, if everyone in this story was male. Good for you, doesn't make it right, though!

I absolutely loathe grassing and reporting, but I am starting to think it would be worth having a word with either the NSPCC or SS about these people who are neglecting and emotionally abusing their DD. Particularly now you have mentioned that she's not even a very close friend of your DD and has just latched on to you. If her parents are quite happy to dump her on the nearest mug they can find - to the extent that they are quite resistant to the idea that they should step up and take care of her - at this hobby event, how much care and kindness is she getting from them generally?

OP the time has come for you to just say no to the girl and tell her to see the Coach and let the Coach deal with it.

You have been very kind to this girl for a long time and clearly you and your DD after all your kindness haven't massively bonded with this girl and naturally don't want to be responsible for her and have to sit with her let alone pay for her food.

Enough is enough I say and dig your heels in.

OP I feel really sorry for you and your DD on reading this thread. I am sorry too for the abuse you are getting in some quarters on here.

I think you were right to do what you did and am apaulled that the coach took the attitude that they did. I would be calling the coach on this, stating that by their reaction they have made participation uncomfortable for you and your DD and that they are overlooking a safeguarding issue. From what you tell us you don't know the child very well at all and have no arrangement with her parents.

I feel bad for you and your DD. Your DD is now suffering because of this other girls' shitty parents. That is not right and it is not fair. To those who say do something else, do another activity to make up, it is not the same. I remember spending times like this with my parents and it still means the world looking back now. How sad for your DD to look back and recall missing out because another child's parents as good as dumped you on her. In a few years time she won't be a little girl anymore (hello teenage years!) and no doubt won't even know this other girl. OP and her daughter should make every effort to enjoy it now.

Best of luck OP.

The coach should have taken the girl under HER wing, not guilted you.
I would skip the cafe lunches and take your dd elsewhere for lunch afterwards. Could you tell the coach that your daughter will take her award right after the class, before the lunch, or else will collect it next week before class?

I think one of the problems here is that it appears to the coach that you bring the other girl to the class, as every time the 3 of you walk in together. Thus you appear to be her designated adult for the session. I can see the coach being pissed off that suddenly you, having apparently brought the girl, do not want to do the ‘designated adult’ activity with her.

In your email to the coach, I would spell out that she is not your responsibility in any way, and explain why she walks in with you.
Then it’s up to the coach to sort it with the girl’s parents.

Op, the coach threw you under a bus and you need tell him or her from now that the parents have to be told to either attend the even or collect their daughter when the actual class finishes.

You could also tell the parents when they drop their DD off this week that there really wont be a next time.

It is depressing isen't it, firstever, that this girls parents are treating her like this, how awful. Op you need to be having words with the coach, as he/she is assuming you are her designated adult, which you are not, as her parents and her have latched themselves onto you.

Just go and wait for the awards to be handed out and then take DD for lunch elsewhere.

‘Sorry, x, but we’ve got to dash off this Sunday, see you next week’. Done. Do this every time. Then the friend can hang around for the awards with you and you can take DD for lunch.

Or have a word with the coach and see if the awards can be distributed before the practise session.

Or just tell the CF parents that you’re not having it any more and follow through. Even tell the friend if you feel like it.

I would agree with @FlouncyDoves on this one, but email the coach first so that she can contact the girl's parents. After a few times of doing this they will learn that they can't treat you like a mug.

Next time you see the parents point out they left their dd without lunch money and they owe you.

I think you're too nice op. The parents and coach know you're too lovely to leave a poor girl by themselves so you've become the default carer.

For your sake and for your dds sake you need to get tough. The parents are appalling and don't get me started on the coach.

I really feel for you about this OP. Personally I don't think it will particularly work to modify your behaviour and I think you'll find it really stressful. And of course you just shouldn't have to. I would emailing the coach or their supervisor depending on how you feel and say something like ' I'm very disappointed that you choose to ignore my request for help with the situation regarding x. Indeed I felt you put me under pressure to once again assume loco parentis for her. To be clear my daughter only knows her through your club and i am not friends with the parents. They have not made an arrangement for us to look after x during this period. She is therefore your responsibility and appropriate arrangements made. If I am left in the position again of having to take care of her I will be reporting this matter. Her lunch cost me £x." If you feel you can then you might want to directly ask the parents for the money & explain simply that you have asked the club to resolve the situation so that their daughter can participate. If they pay tell the club. I wouldn't though pursue them or try and resolve by speaking to them as the whole point is that this is nothing to do with you. This needs resolving as much for their daughter as you so isn't anything about you being generous to her or not. It could be that this is just a one off each month because they can and they are too thick skinned to bother about the why. Their daughter enjoys it and they don't see the issue. They could however be neglecting her in lots and lots of other ways. As someone who organises youth activities this would be raising a red flag and it should for the organiser of this activity too.

would you be ale to tell her honesty.that you really need some time with your dd.becasue this will effect her.and although I think ur kindness is wonderful.when it comes down to it ur dd is the most important.and she is really being let down here now too.
her parents are making you become them almost!becasue by ignoring their own child,u pick up the slack and then miss the times you should be with ur own dd.so in the end its her losing out. and for her to still want and accept time together like that is a wonderful thing.these moments to treasure.
get in touch with the school.if the coach wont listen head of year or nurse?
could you then tell the girl.invite her round for tea some time then even.
just please go be with your daughter in the best way you can.

If it's possible to sit alone with your daughter then you should do that & let the coach sort out the other girl/call her parents to join her for the 1on1/lunch.

Isn't it Op's daughter who has asked for this time with her mum?

Should Op be disrregarding her daughter's wishes for CF parents who are it would seem actually availabke, but just CBA?

Fed up, whatever I do is wrong. I have managed to piss off girls parents, the coach, and worst of all my DD.https://www.mumsnet.com/info/talkinstructions

Stop allowing them to manipulate you!
So what if they feel/get pissed off/angry with you?
Why do the feelings of others matter more than your child's?
You need to be more assertive bitchy with the coach in return and make it clear this is their issue/responsibility to sort out.

You could have allowed the coach to call the parents to pick their child up, you didn't have to take back responsibility for this child or their feelings.
Continuing to be 'nice' a doormat is to your own - and YOUR child's-detriment.

To everyone who is criticising the OP. What is wrong with the coach, who is in charge of organising the team and these events and making sure children are not left unattended on their watch, making these parents realise what their duties and responsibilities are when their child attends this group. The outcome could be that they are embarrassed about their sheer laziness and actually turn up for their daughter, which they can do since they drop her and collect her. That would actually improve things for the child. There's no case for making OP feel guilty that she has already been kind and helpful to this child, without even being asked by the parents. If everyone lets them continue as they please, they won't change. This could be better for the child.